My make-shift computer stand, consisting of the La-Z-Boy arm chair, is going to give me carpal tunnel. The problem with setting the laptop on my lap is the that bottom heats up quickly, thus making for a pair of very hot legs. It burns. And pillows won't do the job. The heat soaks through the thin ones and the keyboard is too high on the fluffy ones. What to do...what to do?

The day the restaurant opens and I start work has been pushed back another week. Leaving me a little less than 7 days to continue siting in a puddle of pure boredom. My mind is restless from lack of activity and stimulation. My friends work during the day, leaving only nights as a respite from my house. Being at home is not fun. Since my parents operate their business from home, they are always here, surrounding me. There is so much negative energy. It's suffocating. It leaves me annoyed and bitter.

EDIT // I researched my birth control, Aviane, online and found that other people have the same intense emotional symptoms as I (anger, depression, anxiety, along with decreased appetite, acne, etc.). This explains so much! I need to get off this shit and find something better...fast.

I think I'm suffering from a slight bit of paranoia. There's not just one paranoia but a multitude of fears and anxieties. I would create a list but feel like it would add to my already semi-crazed thoughts. Oh geez! Maybe a little meditation is needed to clear and calm the mind.

A new layout and completed photo gallery is coming within the next week or so.

And so, Ashley's saga of bad luck and misfortune continues. Last night I decided that I definitely need to drive up to see Don for a serious talk and possibly a "break up". It is always such a terrible emotional roller coaster with him, I've never cried about a man so much in my life. It is not healthy. The recent lies, omissions of facts and the "I don't want to be exclusively with you" vibes are enough. It has driven me past the point of crazy and into a neurotic, angry psycho.

This summer, the suffering must end and and revival of happiness must be met. A true happiness. A deep happiness that lasts forever.

EDIT // Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers Baseball team for winning another National Championship! Back-to-back...that's right bitches.

Someday, I want to get a big, hairy dog. Maybe something like a Newfoundland. There is something about a big, huge, cuddly dog that I love. I would also like to get a pot belly pig, especially for training purposes. And you know I would dress it up like that!

The family and I took a wonderful trip to the Oregon coast this afternoon. It had to be one of the most gorgeous, busiest days that I have ever seen. If you ever have a chance, visit the thunderous waves of Devil's Churn. There are lots of nooks and cranies to explore.

My job as a server at a newly opened restaurant starts in a week. As a first time waitress, I am hoping that I will have enough pep to last through my shifts so as to collect an extraordinary amount of tips. And hey, I even get to serve beer! Yeeah.

Something is making me depressed and putting me into a horribly foul mood, especially while at my house and around the parents. It feels like a combination of PMS, birth control and stress. Stress due to the fact of my distrust in Don. I suspect Don is/was dating other girls behind my back. Well maybe not dating but at least hanging out with them and omitting the fact that he is. I feel threatened. My heart can't take much more hurt from use and abuse.

I've decided that this whole "love" thing is not for me. The romantic, relationship scene is not my scene. I've always hated those questions, "Have you ever been in love?" or "Who was your first love?". A brick falls to my stomach as I think, "it is hard to love when no one has loved you back." Now I will proceed to live a loveless, lonely life, becoming a haggard old lady who lives in the forest and grooms her rock garden diligently...

EDIT // Or simply, I am lovesick.

No more first apartment. No more freedom of late nights and boys. No more crappy meals! While unpacking I noticed that all of my things still smell like our apartment. I already miss that place, it had molded into our space. I'm uncomfortable with being home, away from the surroundings of Corvallis, away from Don. He was such a sweetheart yesterday, helping me clean and move all of my stuff. We agreed to keep "casually dating" but without seeing other people. That was the best decision in our situation but it will be a long three months until my return. I must work and play very much so as to keep from being down.

Now I must create my yearly "Summer To-Do" list full of adventures. Ideas are welcome! So far:
- Running, Tennis, Yoga, exercises with the fit ball
- Paint, scrapbook, random crafting
- Hike, bike, float the river
- Trips up to Portland and Corvallis
- Volunteer, donate clothes
- Try new recipes and expand recipe library, BBQ
- Pick fruit and veggies
- Continue speaking French with Whitney over the phone
- Maybe fall in love :)

This list makes my life sound kind of pathetic. haha

Our apartment is no longer ours. Sierra just took off and I am left with an empty apartment of boxes and a few scattered pieces of furniture. Moving out and goodbyes are always so sad. I don't really know what to do, its so lonely. Hopefully I will see Don tonight before he comes over tomorrow to help me move. Meaning, he will be meeting my parents...Aaaand this is the point where I freak out!

I want to be with him but I wonder if our connection is strong enough to last the summer. We should have spent more time together in the past three months to strengthen our bond. Maybe I am underestimating our power but it will simply be if we want it to and if we try. This is not just a "spring fling".

Edit // Right after Don agreed to hanging out tonight, he said he have to cancel because he didn't get much sleep last night and was tired from moving and work, but will "be here early to help me move!". He knows it is my last night here! I had to ask to spend the night because I didn't want to stay in my lonely apartment. I think I'm in the process of being thrown to the curb and it really hurts.

What is so wrong with me that I am never good enough for anyone? What is so wrong with me that no guy ever truly wants to be with me? Is is really too much to ask for care and love in return?

PS: Subway napkins don't make good tissues.

My specialty: making a fool of myself and screwing things up at the same time.

It seems as if Don is avoiding the subject of being exclusive. I'm so scared that if I bring it up, he'll say he doesn't want to be with me. This is the first time in my life that I've been completely sure about wanting someone. I don't want this to be another "Ryan" ordeal where I give him an ultimatum, it shouldn't be like that. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is the one who should be doing something.

...Things will work out the way they are supposed to. Until then, my stomach will be in knots and my stress level will be ever-rising, as I am lost in a world of dreams.

Inspired by Ryan's many posts about budgeting, I've decided to cut unnecessary spending and decrease the amount of "necessities". Inspiration also comes from my checking account with $1.02. Great job!

This school year is coming to a close in the next two weeks and I am freaking the fuck out. What am I going to do without Don?! Even thinking about leaving makes me emotional. God, I am such a wimp. We still haven't established what we are even though it has been almost 3 months. It makes it especially hard because we are so busy with finals that there is not much free time to spend together. I can't deal with this right now. :(

I get annoyed when awoken from a nap. Especially when then the noise continues, making it virtually impossible to fall back asleep.

Je veux ensemble avec lui.