Lately I've had a difficult time because I've had an urge not to wear clothes. Just to run around in my bra and undies, or even naked. Clothes feel so...restrictive. According to "him" that would be fine because "I have the body for it...so anytime you feel like not wearing clothes, come up to our room!!!" Ugh. Even more shit happened. I swear, that kid brings about so much drama. So I'm going to stop talking about him every entry before one of you smacks me in the face saying SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I just ate a Reese's we've had in our room since September. Those things have enough preserves in them that it should still be fine anyway (hopefully).

I hate it when they are cleaning the bathroom and I have to take a shit.

Being the blonde I am, I forgot that my FTP doesn't work here so I can't upload the new layout or photos for the gallery.

One crazy drunken night after another. Do you always find random bruises on your body after one of these nights? Because I always do!

WHY do I always mess shit up for myself? I finally cried and it felt good. It made me realize how much I really do like him and how much I probably just fucked it up (again). It is not because he was "my first," I've had these feelings for a long time, crazy intense ones. Could it be love? I always thought that if you were in love you wouldn't have to ask--you'd know. We both agreed that it wouldn't work out but now that is all I can think about. Just to hold each other, feeling the embrace and the beauty of what we have, fulfilling my dream of cuddling by the fire in a mountainous cabin. That sounds wonderfully amazing. Geez, I've never had so much emotional turmoil over one guy before.

Ooh I wish I had an answer, a sign from the mother earthly heavens haha. I trust that everything will go work out and that he feels just as much as me.

I just found a piece of pure red hair on my head.

I could kill for a huge delicious sandwich right now!!

Love: Alex

Edit // We talked...again. And we are going out on a date next week. Wow? YES. I'm really, really excited. :) Hopefully this will turn into a something very very good. The way the we look at one another, the way we communicate, flirt and touch. I can feel it. It has to mean something, right?

I got my ears pierced, WHEEE. They look so cute with little pink sparkly studs. It gave me such a high, I'm really hyper and in a particularly good mood with this adrenaline rush. I wanted to get something else done but didn't know what.

I feel like highlighting my hair with a lot of blonde. I'm in such a mood for change, maybe because of other recent changes *cough*. I'm glad that if fate had me lose my virginity that night it was with a guy I trusted and felt comfortable with. It happened at the wrong time and wrong place. I used to be into him but was just getting over it at the time. We are on really good terms though and definitely agreed to continue being friends. I will always remember him, and in a positive note.

Commenters: Laura, Alex, Stephanie

Oh guys I kind of messed up. At least he is a good guy...

More later, I am mentally (and physically) exhausted.

Oh my gosh, I feel so free and liberated. I am suddenly over him!! After months of brooding, confusion, lust and (one) cry...it is complete and I have moved onto the friends stage. Woot. Come and get me boys, Ashley is out to play haha :) I'm a nerd.

One of the many guys I danced with tonight had like ROCK solid thighs. Mmmmm yes (Although I am still a sucker for the tall and lean). Tonight was fun. J'adore dancer avec les garcons et avec moi et mon tres stupide moves de dance. Hooray for franglais.

I'm in such a funny random mood, Ow OOWWWWW! I'm getting my nipples pierced tomorrow. Ahaha Not really just the ears.

PS: Keep voting on the layouts! ...And I love each and everyone of your silly little booties (I swear I only had a shot. I didn't even get a buzz so don't start with me bitches. I am totally getting my second wind and a blog is not the right place to let it out. Ugh, where is my blow up Jude Law doll when I need it? gahaha.)

LAYOUT CONTESSTTT!!!! It is a little different this time since you will already know the general look and feel of the new layout from viewing at the images below. So upon your best judgement, please choose one of the following:

a)


- OR -

b)


- OR -

c)
I don't like any of them...Ashley, you really need to work on your "skills".

EDIT // The point of a layout contest is to actually vote. Exercise your voice!

People with amazing skill and talent, are they innately born and attracted to this activity? Or is something discovered and learned? How do you know you aren't missing out on being one of the best "so and so's" in the world? Why are people drawn to certain things and are particularly good at them while others are disinterested and untalented? This is something I'd like to get to the core of, to understand and find out...even though it is impossible to know such things.

Hmmm.

I can't figure out which layout to put up. I have three different takes on one main graphic and all of them are intriguing.

Plugs: Dmitri, RJA, Stephanie

The Photo Gallery is up! Thoughts, feedback, critiques, rants, raves, and praises are encouraged...even haikus if you are feeling the creative urge. New layout soon before I go back to school where my FTP goes screwy.

Tell me your hopes, dreams, fears or any random thoughts for the new year. We always say it is new, but really...what is new about it?

Before it is too late...Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. Be safe, happy and healthy for 2006. :)

I miss being a kid at Christmas. I miss "Santa's" annual visits and how my mom always filled the bottom of my stocking with oranges and apples. I miss the giddy feeling that only children have and the nostalgia of it all. Christmas was always filled with cheer, innocence and beauty (and sleeping in). Now it is just like "Eeh." Traditions are being broken and the spirit is not in the air. We didn't even get a god damn tree this year! Now that is screwed up.

I discovered working retail really isn't my "thing". Nine hours on my feet while being just about as bored as a blind person watching a silent film? No thank you. Bussing pizza is better than this.

Also, OSU Business advisors can suck iiiiiit. And they better be ready because it is huge and puts up a mean battle.

Thank you.

Plugs: Dmitri, Stephanie

1. I kissed a hot guy.
2. I miss my college friends.
3. I'm listening to Underneath (wtf is wrong w/me?)
4. I'm in a very good mood...and have been for many months on end. This is the longest stretch where happiness has outweighed the sadness.
5. I desperately need to brush my teeth.
6. I like sandwiches a lot.
7. I say "I" too much but don't know how to get around not saying it.
8. I feel have an awkward feeling that I will fall in love soon, in a very unexpected way, place, and time.
9. The holiday season stresses me out--gift giving is a pain but opening presents is one of the many joys in life.
10. I really need to go to a good concert.
11. I feel like painting and making a photo album of black and whites.
12. I really wish I could fly.
13. One of my biggest fears is letting people down or have them think badly about me...and E.T. (the alien, not the show).
14. I love being artsy.
15. I want to make a snowman and a snowangel.
16. And finally, if you've been able to sort through this mess of randomness, the photo gallery is really coming soon. I promise.

When I said I wanted to work this winter break, I meant a few hours here and there. Not freaking 8-9 hours per day almost all week! My gosh, when will I have time to do nothing? haha At least my pay check will be nice and healthy. Plus I sell jewlery so that is kind of fun :) Ahh the life a chain retail empolyee...

Um yeah and my legs are sore. That is quite sad.

Plugs: Will, Alex, Stephanie

This post is dedicated to all who have exams (particularly Stephanie). I am here to assist you in your many hours of procrastination, avoidance and dread.

I bought a new pair of jeans about an hour ago. Pure loooove and joy. Good thing I don't have a credit card because it would be maxed out on denim. Some of my weaknesses: cute socks and underwear, jeans, sexy high heels, the colors turquoise and raspberry-ish.

I made a free Christmas card yesterday (at the UO bookstore--someone slap me, I am such a trader). It felt so nice to be creative. It reminded me how much I miss it and how much I need it. Maybe instead of my ballroom class I will take an art course of some sort.

Mmm peanut butter is so good. If only we had some oreos.

By the time school resumes in January, I am going to have abs of fucking steel. They used to be sexy. Then laziness set in.

Edit // Dear God I'm starting to like (some) country music. Please smack me in the face really, really hard. Then repeat 5 times or as many as necessary. (Damnit, Sarah..look what you have done to me!)

So I might as well shoot myself now...or cry really hard for days on end. Fuck. Fuck, this just fucking sucks. Why do I always screw myself over when someone good comes along? The only great guy that comes onto me, I fucking reject him and by the time I realize how amazing he is and how much I like him, he gets with one of my friends. I..ugh AHHHJH'. God damnit this hurts really, really bad.

My roommie is playing our "angry" music for me. haha She is great.

My lovlies: Alex & Stephanie

Edit / I just discovered that "Just Friends" by Gavin DeGraw is not a good song to listen to.

Southern Comfort isn't so comforting when you are hugging the toliet (but it tastes damn good going down). I've never been that shitfaced before and I don't want to again. Afer my puking escapade we came back here and kicked it with some friends til 6am. I was feeling fine, thinking "Heck yes, I'm not even going to have a hangover." When I woke up this morning I barfed again...and again. Everyone did say that despite all the shit that was going down, I still had a smile on my drunken face. And that my friends, is true Ashley style haha. My friends are amazing though and they showed how much they really care. How do you pay somebody back for that? Being just as supportive and caring in return? But it doesn't seem like enough.

Anyway, I think my drinking days are over for a while.

AHH I NEED TO CONFESS MY LOVE TO HIM BECAUSE IT IS KILLING ME INSIDE.

I had my chance but blew it. Hopefully I will get another.

// end outburst

I smell like fried/burnt food. Eww :\ I was going to upload my photo gallery (as suggested by Dmitri) but my FTP doesn't work here. Freaking A. Also, I've become a compulsive napper.

I have a feeling something wonderful is going to come about soon...then something horrible. There is nothing dead about dead week. I really need to find a job for winter break or else I will be bored shitless. This afternoon all the of washers and dryers were empty. It was the first time I didn't have to fight for a dryer. There is a certain male I can't get out of my head. I am forcing myself to blog, it is obvious?

A list of smiple yet amazing things:
-naps on rainy afternoons
-warm, fuzzy scarves (not a la Taylor Hanson..aww, Hanson..I forgot about you boys)
-laundry fresh out of the dryer
-hugs
-people who truly care for you
-black and white photography
-exotic flowers
-realizing what you want
-realizing what is important
-confidence
-a nice juicy piece of fruit (not to be taken sexually)

^^Feel free to add...

I've never had this hot of a guy go after me before. And he is actually making the effort to call, make plans, etc. Tall, strong, and sexy. Wouldn't it be amazing if it worked out? I would probably crap myself out of pure joy.

Also, I suuuck at cards. Like even worse than I do at pool...and that is pretty damn bad.

I attended my first screamo concert the other night. Music was good, singing was good, screaming was bad.

I feel like fucking dancing.

Plugs: RJA, Dmitri, Alex

Wow. I broaded my religious horizons tonight. It gave me some...interesting insight. Definitely not many that I agreed with, but interesting none the less. I already have light in my life without religious direction, thank you. And I am not sinning nor am I lost in a life of darkness and bad behavior becauase I do not follow the word of God. The band was good though.

I wish there was a person who could give me daily big, warm and fuzzy bear hugs.

Plugs: Dmitri, Alex, Stephanie

I have the sudden urge to march in a protest. People here don't protest. Where are you my liberal leaning counterparts? I feel so politically and creatively deprived here...must join some clubs to fill that void.

Plain and simple, I have become addicted to Nature Valley granola bars, online shopping, and visions of romance.

Speaking of romance, I had a vision of my love life today. I will date a few semi-preppy yet down to earth guys but end up marrying a ruggedly handsome outdoorsy-type. We'd live in the mountains, maybe own a few pigs (I've always wanted a pig) and a freaking awesome big, cuddly dog. We'd have a grand fire place and sit around drinking beer, naked and wrapped up in blankets enjoying eachother's company in the beautiful firelight. Talking sweet nothings with the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the background and snow gracefully dancing around our cozy home.

Plugs: Dmitri, Alex, Laura, Stephanie, and RJA (because he knows why)

Sooo, last night. Aaahaha. They always say it is a bad idea to start something with people in your dorm. If I would have reciprocated his affection, we would have had sex. Like woah, I'm not ready to be deflowered yet. Guys are so weird. Hmm so yeah, I will keep you guys posted on this situation.

Edit @ 11:26 pm // This is very odd. I don't know how to deal with this because I am so innocent when it comes to anything sexual. I feel pathetic saying it, almost prude. But I am not going to give myself away to some random guy. No good ever comes out of that. I am not going to let somebody use me. I deserve to be treated well and so does everyone else.