Shit. Sometimes you wonder if things are meant to be and why things go certain ways. Maybe all of them are signs. He tried to come up today but with my school schedule it wouldn't work. We agreed on the "next week" thing...but it is now or never. It's like when someone says, "I'll call you later, we'll hang out!" and you know it's not going to happen. They just say it because there is nothing else to say. I am determined not to let that happen.

I see many of potentials per day, so why do I keeping hanging on to him?

Room still smells like shit despite my air freshening attempts, although it is a little homier as we add to our decoration repertoire.

Plugs: Dmitri Von Klien, RJA, Alex, Janet

Underage drinking in the dorm is dumb. Blatantly drinking during the football game is dumb. Going out to a house party, fine. But why would you risk getting kicked out and fined just to get a buzz before you go out? People are stupid and I'm not going to participate in that. Sometimes my responsibility and fear of consequences takes the better of me and hinders me from having fun. I plan to go out but not be an idiot.

I need him to visit to see if my feelings have changed and/or if they are true (haha I'm so needy). Either way, he has changed my life. (My Dove chocolate fortune said to 'Send a love letter this week' *raises eyebrows*).

In the past couple of days I've done more walking and tripping then I ever have. I seriously trip at least 2-3 times a day. haha It's great comedic relief.

Mad crazy party last night. /Kidding/. When we got there, the keg was dry. We walked around for an hour trying to find something else. I have blisters on all four sides of my feet to prove. The end.

I have a sinking feeling that me and him are going to have a fall out if we don't see one another soon.

My roommie got us a rug but it smells like shit and I don't know how to tell her.

Plugs / RJA, Stephanie, Dmitri

Is there a good way to hide the ugliness of 5 million cords? My desk is engulfed in hordes of them. My freaking cool mouse pad doesn't work with my mouse, the drag is horrible. How disappointing. I desperately need more decorations. This place is so sterile looking.

He called me. <33 He never fades from my mind. I'll see something/someone that reminds me of him and my mind goes off into a distant land. It's kind of comforting in a way.

Ahhh college life. I've met a lot of nice, new people. We're attempting to get our room all settled and cozy. My roommate seems pretty cool so far. Our hall is a bit quite. Everyone looks so young.

I chickened out last night. I couldn't get myself to tell him how I really feel. We had a good night though. His hugs are great. Today he texted me a couple of times, once asking if boys were allowed in my dorm and again saying that he would have to come up and visit. Wheee. I love being in his company and I miss it horribly. I miss the way he makes me laugh. I miss the way he makes me smile. I miss the way he makes me feel.

Tuesday is the big day. Dorm life will be a different experience, I hope I adjust alright. I'm going to fucking miss his ass. I don't think I'll ever meet a person like him again.

Tomorrow I'm either making a move or telling him the way I feel. I honestly have no idea how we are going to end up. It would be so much easier if he confessed his love (if he has any) but life/love isn't that way. /Aw, he just texted me./

I'm trying to keep it cool but secretly I'm stressing. This whole packing business can be overwhelming. I know I'm going to forget something important.

Dmitri: No doubt I will. :)

This could go two ways--an incredible relationship or a beautiful friendship. Obviously the former is preferred but either way would be satisfying. He is an amazing person that I never want to lose contact with. We'll see what happens in these days to come...

He. Is. So. Cute. Wheee.

The end.

Plugs: Dmitri, RJA

I can't stop thinking about him. It's gotten to the point where it's horribly annoying. Before it was comforting but now it needs to stop. Is it supposed to be like this? Is this normal? I think I really will insane if this continues. Hell, I don't even know if he likes me back. If he doesn't it will surely break my heart.

I've never had my heart broken. I don't know if I could emotionally handle rejection at that level. Yes, I've had my feelings hurt with the dreaded situation of "my crush ended up asking my friend out". But daaang. This is a lot of poo.

I need a hug.

Plugs: RJA, Mez, Dmitri

So I wrote a really sweet entry late last night and then my browser quit (okay, actually it was quite lame but that is unimportant). Shit, I really wish I wasn't leaving now...and it's all because of a boy. A new one, a better one, a beautiful one that makes me smile and laugh and feel all giddy like a little girl. Last night was much fun. I can't recall the last time I felt that happy. Why did he have to come into my life at such an inconvenient time? I could go on forever about him but alas, I don't want to bore you.

Woah, my hair is short. I'm still getting used to seeing myself with shoulder length hair and side bangs.

Things are winding down, work is coming to an end, high school is finally left behind. It is all so sad yet refreshing at the same time. There are things, people, and memories that I will hold closely to my heart and never forget. To me, that is beautiful.

<3: Laura, Stephanie, RJA, Dmitri

No more am I going to let you hold me down. For I am in control of me. I am free on my own behalf. Your fears will not become mine. Your protection has hindered my growth. Now I am reborn, creating my life the way I want it.

In the words of Eric Cartman...

Utter madness. Sheer chaos. Is this world.

A person doesn't realize how attached they are to their surroundings until hits them with the fact that they are leaving. As much as I don't like Eugene, I love it. I love it's little quirky attributes, the odd beauty you can find walking down the streets, the hippies (the hippies!!), but most of all I'm used to it. This is what I know. I don't know much else. From this point on, I'm going to be creating a new "Eugene" for myself. This intrigues me but scares me at the same time.

I hope that next year I can post here with many a great stories...and bad ones too. I want to fuck up, make mistakes, and grow. I want to have fun and enjoy my youth in all it's youthful glory..or something to that sort. I don't want to become another drab individual always looking for something better. Most of all, I want to find myself and feel completed for the first time in my life. I know this will not happen in a mere 4 years but over a lifetime.

I feel much more clear-headed after writing that (did I just have a mini-revelation?). Oh the joys of blogging.

Plugs: Laura

EDIT // I got some kickin' speakers for my dorm room today. Plus a printer AND the perfect academic planner. YES.

Somedays I think I like him and others I don't. Isn't it weird how interaction between two people, depending on the intensity, can make or break an attraction? There is also another boy man. *giggle* Oh he is super. Super sweet, super funny, super cute with a super smile. Supa, supa, dat's supa (haha how fun it is to quote old hanson videos). He is one of those guys you can tell is a genuinely good guy that would be worth pursuing. If only I wasn't leaving in a couple of weeks, then me and him would be togetha. Oh fho sho!

I finally jumped into the new and improved technology pool and got a camera flip phone. It is tres fun.

Random, funny quote of the day: "Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States." --Jon Stewart

Props to the Canadian, Blink fanatic, and X-Filer...love you guys. :)

New stiggin' friggin' layout (featuring Mischa Barton)! Let me know your thoughts, for they are always appreciated. In the past six months my graphic design activity has dropped significantly, so this layout sprouted from a creative burst of design energy.

I'm making it a habit to do my lame pilates/yoga video every day since I terminated my gym membership due to work schedule conflicts (sometimes they make me open the restaurant at 10 am, ew). I don't know if it is working but it's quite relaxing on the muscles.

I might go make brownies.

I also might like a boy. I haven't decided yet/haven't accepted the fact that there might be a possible crush. Just something childish out of a lack of boredom.

Plug: x

I think I've learned this summer to cherish what I have, because nothing ever stays the same.

Today I was contemplating space time. I thought, "There are no time zones in space, so how can they tell what time it is?" Then it occurred to me that time in space doesn't even matter. Maybe time in years, centuries, and millenniums, but certainly not in minutes.

The only thing keeping me from closing this site is the past. I have a hard time getting rid of things I've kept so close to my heart for so long.

Occasionally at work I have the strongest urges to butt in on people's conversations. Eves dropping is quite entertaining and I can't suppress the need to put my five cents in.

I'm finding all these people from my old elementary school in Washington on thefacebook and is it weeeeird, man. Really weird. It's odd to think of those people as grown up because in my mind they are all little 5th graders.

This blog is going downhill. Hopefully it will make a turn for the better and win the tour de blog when college starts in the fall. I have no idea what I'm talking about at this point so I dearly excuse any random, unexplainable words that come out of my mouth. No hands, actually. My hands get dry from work, so sometimes I use lotion. The non-greasy kind (of course).

Question of the day: What would your catch phrase be if you were a playa (assuming you aren't one)?

The past, present and future changes of this year feel like they almost belong to someone else. Graduation, working, legalization, college seem so "adult", yet I feel so immature and inexperienced. I've accepted these changes but my problem is that I haven't embraced them.

OSU Registration, with the intent to make us feel like all-grown up collegiates, only made me feel younger. High school still lingered in the auras of the attendees. Fresh minds and eager spirits. It reminded me of the term "eager beaver" which is kind of ironic considering we are the Oregon State Beavers (haha hot damn, I'm full of puns). By the way, I'm taking badminton Fall term lmfao. It can't get any cooler than that.

My feet smell horrible! It must be the thin socks creating some sort of smelly sweat complex.

I painted today and it reminded me how much I love arting (why isn't that a word?).

Wonderful, lovely, amazing commenters: Mez, RJA, Sez

Shit. Almost two months. The dry spell will be cleared up very soon. Until then, think of how I can celebrate my 18th birthday on the 27th of this very special month of July.

It seems like a blogging dry spell has fallen upon me these past few days. I am very sorry to my three loyal visitors. So from the depths of my cozy bed, I introduce to you the latest entry:

Most of the people at work are very friendly and nice. There is one girl who is super cool and slightly reminds me of Daria. She has been nice from day one but not in a fake, over-exaggerated way. My hands are dry and have started to peel in some areas from touching water all day. The life of a busser is truly glamorous. I also need to start learning everyones names, especially my managers. I'm so bad with names (doesn't everyone say that?).

Since reading about the "all who is inside of a car looks like they are riding in a funeral procession" part in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, I've realized how true that is for others and myself. I feel confined in a car, trapped behind glass. Maybe that is why I'm not too fond of driving. I need something more free and open. Instead of buying a car a few years down the road, I might just get an electric bike. If I wasn't so chicken I'd consider a motorcycle. But I'm not that hardcore yet.

Lately I've been going through this miniscule "save the earth" phase. I've been recycling eeevverything at home, and while at work, feeling guilty about throwing a recyclable in the trash. As well as thinking if I had to get a car it would be a hybrid or an even eltectric (if they didn't make them so ugly. Why can't they make "healthy" car good looking?) There is also some good news--if you visited the "saveourvalley" link I posted a few entries back, you'll be glad to know that there will NOT be a power plant going in. The proposal was scrapped after the company classified it as an "unsuitable area with much opposition".

I beat my high score on Pac Man today.

PLUGS: Alex & RJA

I registered to vote yesterday. It was a proud moment in my life. :)

I'm having second thoughts about this dorm thing. Considering I hate public restroom/communal bathrooms, it will be an interesting challenge. See, I need privacy on the throne. I need to sit my little butt down, get relaxed and comfortable to make the best of my bathroom experience. And how could I do that knowing that 5 million other asses have been on that toilet. I'm fine with my own poop germs, but other peoples'?...forget it!

After months of a dry spell in the unemployed but looking life, I have hit some gold. Over the past few days I've had two interviews and two others that I had to shoot down because I landed a job. Wooh! I'll be busing at a local pizza joint. haha And wearing a sweet uniform too.

Plugs: Michelle, Alex, Johnny Crash (aksjdfhaksdhf I love the Bleu Jeans idea. Simply perfect.)