New soul

I highly enjoy the T-mobile commercials where the guys tries to leave the perfect message for a girl but is all awkward and funny.

Things with Travis and I are over. Details are unnecessary because it's in the past. I'm leaving behind all of my emotional baggage from the past 2 years and starting fresh (and so clean). No more living in the past. I have a different destination now with more confidence and sass. There will be no more "dating," only serious relationships. I want something with substance and love. This may mean staying abstinent for a while (which is a shame because this sexy body should be getting laid! haha) but it's for my own good. I'm excited to start my new journey. This is the most free I've felt in a long time.

He's thinking (?): "Hey sexy lady, it was nice to know you but I got to move on"

Apparently, it is over with Travis. He's suddenly done a 180 personality change and stopped talking to me despite my efforts. It leaves me utterly confused and hurt. Things between us were so good last term. I want to call him out on it. He can't expect to treat me like that and get away with it. Maybe it is his new party-crazy roommates. Maybe he doesn't have enough balls to say he doesn't want to date exclusively. It could be anything. We probably weren't mean tot be. A part of me thinks I liked him simply because it was an easy way to stop thinking about Don. Travis was my rebound guy. I'm more upset and hurt that yet another "thing" did not unfold into a relationship, and that another guy treated me poorly. I have such horrible luck with men.

I was watching re-runs of Scrubs this evening and JD said, "People weren't meant to be alone." It's true. I sulked for a little bit as I reflected on my own pathetic situation. Single life is not fun. Nor is dating someone who you cannot trust. I have yet to figure out which is worse. At least being single you aren't stressed and paranoid about what your significant other might be doing behind your back.

...But miss waking up to him with his arms around me. His touch made me feel accepted. I hope that sometime we start talking again because I don't want to loose his friendship. And he was hella fun to party with.

Lately I've been feeling very self-conscious. Not so much with my looks but with my personality. I don't know how to explain it but it's fucking weird.

It snowed a couple of inches today and we didn't go out to play. Hopefully it will still be there tomorrow because I desperately want to make a snow angel. It's been years since that's happened!

Also, I will be turning 21 in 6 months and two days! Yeeah.

Date with an ass-plant

The slopes ungraciously welcomed me today. The sun turned to clouds and my smile into screams of frustration. My snowboard glared at me in anger. I scowled back. The mountain against me. No, me against the mountain. Anger at my lack of skill led to inability to enjoy the mountain's beauty. The wind breathed hard. It let out wet snow that met my face like ice. I returned to the truck and found one of my boots had broken. Another sign. I should have stuck to skiing all of these years. At this point in my life, I would've been damn good.

The black shirt I wore on New Year's stained my favorite bra that cost almost $50. What once looked new, now looks dirty and worn. God damn Oxy Clean didn't do a thing.

EDIT // The "Oldies" station has stopped playing "all of your favorite hits from the 50's and 60's" and is now playing shit from the 80's. What the hell?

We're jammin' (and I hope you like jammin' too)

2008...Hangovers are fun. This nasty one didn't go away until 5 this evening. I hippie-danced like crazy last night! Oh it was fantastic. Lately I've taken up socially smoking with a natural substance that is not cigarettes. But one cannot call oneself a real hippie without participating in smoking this herb, I guess. Now I feel the need to get some sort of Bob Marley paraphernalia and hang it up in my room. Maybe a Rasta shrine or two throughout the house. A penis-shaped pipe. Hahaha.

With all this talk of herbs and reggae, I've seemingly forgot about what else there was to blog about.

Mon passeport

All along I thought I was afraid of commitment. But recently I've come to realize it was because I haven't (hadn't..?) found the right person.

After I graduate from my 6-year college plan in 2011 (haha), I want to bum around the world a bit. Colorado, Hawaii, France, Italy, New Zealand, a few months here and there. Career-wise it wouldn't be good but life-wise it would be make perfect sense. I could possibly free-lance interior design. Finding inspiration and taking my designs in new directions from place to place. That would probably turn out to be more along the lines of "starving artist". God I hope I don't cut off my ear (sorry Vincet)!

My passport is itching to be used again. I looked up plane tickets to France during spring break. Round trip: $2,863. Maybe AirFrance isn't the best website to get the ticket.

My cousin got me a cute, knit hat and I'm excited to wear it.

Happy holidays everyone! :)

3 rules of Christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas time until three things happen:

1. A Christmas tree is hand picked and cut fresh from a Christmas tree farm. Then properly decorated the day after.
2. Snowed In by Hanson is played at least once.
3. Home Alone is watched. Home Alone 2 makes it even merrier.

Thus, it does not feel like Christmas.

Hola amigos!

My recent discovery: Mexico is rich with culture. Viejo Mazatlan is alive with art, music, theater and dance. People were bustling through the streets but relaxing in the town squares. The colors are so vivid. The architecture is a worn-in, lively take on old European style. It was all so inspiring. The beaches and sunsets are beautiful yet humble. The sand was littered with all types of shells (I returned with three bags full). An accomplishment was also made on my list of life goals: parasailing. It was so quiet in the sky, with a view for miles. I wanted to go higher!

The crashing waves outside of my window lulled me to sleep each night. The fruit was delicious. I believe I ate avocados, refried beans and chips and salsa almost every day. It was wonderful. :) The people were warm and understanding (mostly) and I found myself genuinely smiling. I somehow became the family linguist and was responsible for speaking broken Spanish. From time to time a few French words escaped my mouth.

This was my first time visiting a less developed country. It was slightly uncomfortable at first, seeing the poor neighbors and witnessing the people who are just trying to get by. I tried to be inconspicuous, wanting to hide from the image of the gringo: rich, pale and touristy. All attempts failed.

The market, oh the market! A crazy mixture of people, produce, cheap knick-knacks, interesting smells and dirty floors. It was much like the roads and it's drivers: chaotic. The are no rules in Mexico, only guidelines. It made me realize the rigidity of industrialized nations. How funny it was that we take things to such extreme and seriousness. Sometimes we forget how to live (love?). Relax. Enjoy. Smile.

I wish to see Travis, even if it was for a minute, to nuzzle my nose into his neck and tell him he is the most handsome man in the world. My playlist is in dire need of new music. Everything on it seems dull. Suggestions?!

"A man is the whole encyclopaedia of facts."

Sometimes it makes me sad and slightly frustrated that I will never be able to know everything there is to know and never be able to ready every book that has ever been written. Anxiety creeps into my stomach as I think of this impossible task. It is disappointing that I will never be able to accomplish this. So, I will try to learn and read as much as I possibly can.

I'm leaving for Mexico tomorrow for what should be a relaxing vacation. Bits of French will most likely slip out of my mouth, "Hola!", "Bonjour! Ca va?". After returning, I hope to spend the rest of winter break volunteering and making time for myself. Work seems unnecessary at the moment, prompted only by self-centered motives. It feels right to help the community and those in need.

What little I know about love

While laying in Travis' bed the other night (man mentioned in recent entries), tightly wrapped in his arms, it suddenly hit me that I actually liked him. I had been blocking these feelings and it had not crossed my mind until that moment. It scared the shit out of me. Since Don, I've become even less affectionate and sentimental and even more bitter [towards love and all things associated]. So as of lately, I've been trying to coach myself, taking baby steps and encouraging intimacy and sensitivity. There is no reason why I should be rejecting a chance for happiness. But it is by body's/mind's natural reaction.

I'm pretty sure Rudy Giuliani has a lisp.

A little M&M: Merlot and marketing

A glass of wine is a nice way to end a meal and eases one into doing homework for the night. A bit of natural mint chocolate chip ice cream a little later will top it off and make the evening absolutely delectable. Add to the mix some classical music.

From the description above, I feel like an old man that should be doing this in a Craftsman style house with an Oriental rug and wearing penny loafers. Not in a beautifully chic room (thanks to myself) wearing ripped jeans and a Roxy sweatshirt that needs to be washed. This is the beauty of college.

...Oh man, this would be even better if I was reading for Art History instead!

Salty nuts, too salty to eat

A can of mixed nuts continues to sit on my dresser. The can was nearly finished weeks ago and all that remains are a few too-salty nuts. I can't make myself throw it away (due to the fact that I love nuts) but I can't get myself to eat them either.

My "to-do" lists always seen to get ignored and pushed to the side. Therefore, I stuck it on my computer but so far it continues to be forgotten. I am good at ignoring things.

I dropped off my ballot on Saturday, it is always exciting to vote. I feel accomplished, not only for voting, but for squishing the elusive bull fly that has been buzzing about our chilly townhouse for the last week (sorry little guy but you had to go). Our townhouse has horrible insulation, thus leaving every room near freezing. The heat is expensive to run, so I try to use it sparingly...when I am desperate.

Guy who was no longer in the running is definitely winning right now. Let's hope he actually makes it. :) I feel if I disclose much more, it will be jinxed. Plus, everyone loves a little suspense.

A purrrrr in my lap

Yes, yes I'm-a-slackin. But for good reason! Our internet is unreliable and school keeps me busy. I joined the student chapter of ASID and am the webmaster for our campus club. At our meeting the other night, everyone looks so well put together, where as I was in jeans and a hoodie. Whoops. Note to self: must dress like a classy, fashionable interior designer at next meeting.

The guy I mentioned in the last blog is no longer in the running, at very most he is in last place. I went on a blind date last week. It was fun, seeing as it was my first one. (There is a kitty in my lap who is purring like a maniac as I'm writing this blog.) According to my friend who set me up, he is really into me. Supposedly I am one of the few people who has ever broken him down and made him sentimental. Aw. Too bad I'm not attracted to him. I never like the ones who are super nice and marked as a "good guy". We're supposed to hang out on Sunday.

My Grandma sent me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It made my day. :) Probably my week too with the way it is going. To add to stress and a dissatisfied love life, both of my roommates have had sex in our apartment except me. This is really unsettling!

The candle I lit is flickering...it is definitely Halloween.

Hello, stranger

It seems like months since my last post but in reality it has only been a few weeks. School is going well, busy but not stressful until this week. My roommates are woonnderrfull. We laugh quite a bit. Already there are at least 50 inside jokes. Ma chambre is coming together and will be near complete once I finish my painting...masterpiece! (Pictures will follow.) I met a boy. Actually, we've known each other for a year but have only recently started to hang out. He's tall and cute, reads books for pleasure and tells me "you're beautiful" in sign language. Hehe. Maybe this will lead to somewhere good for once.

I finally found a name for my Japanese Peace Lilly, Booda (intentional misspelling). Additionally, my three-stemmed "lucky" bamboo is now named Zeus. Everything else I wanted to write has suddenly escaped my mind...

A receipt to the past

I was cleaning my file folder this evening and discovered that receipts brought me back to the time and place of that purchase. The feelings, the mood, the event, the people, even the weather. It is like an unintended diary.

(con't on September 25...)

A friend and I from elementary school met up for dinner the other night. We had not seen each other in over 7 years. After all that time we still found something to laugh and talk about, even shared our liking of the same type of men.

Speaking of men, hardcore partying on Saturday proved that my mojo is oooon (maybe not now that I have a disaster of a hair color, refer below)! Despite the number of guys who wanted to make out with me, I did not kiss any of them. It seemed so disgusting and unfulfilling. It was only fun a few times freshman year. I need something real.

Hair disaster, part 2:
Going back and forth from "fix it" to "keep it," I decided to do the former. She toned it down, in which some of the formerly very blonde highlights turned gray. She then had to strip all of the color toner out of my hair to fix this mistake and re-dye my ENTIRE head. No more natural color, literally! All the fun (but sparse) firey red strands are gone, lost are the abnormally dark browns and the untamed blondes of birth. It now looks like someone pissed on my head. It disgusts me to even glance at it in the mirror. I feel like regurgitating in her face.

A platinum blonde (highlight) life

Lately I've been having very intense dreams, many of which are violent. In my dreams, I angrily yell obscenities to loved ones in raging outbursts, even get into fist fights. Sometimes I wake up with crusty eyes, as if I've been crying. I don't suppress anger during the day, so maybe it is the anxiety of moving and school starting again that has made my dreams become vicious.

It is my last day at home in Eugene before returning to school. So much packing, not enough time! It feels as if this summer went by quicker than any other (but don't we say that every year?). It was a little boring and kind of sad, due to the fact that we didn't go anywhere as a family and the emotional turmoil of a long distance relationship/relationshit.

This afternoon I went to the salon to highlight my hair with blonde in a natural-looking way, just like always. But it is BRIGHT and it is ABUNDANT. I'm supposed to be a cute, natural blonde, not an amateur porn star blonde! There is too much color in the front, framing my face with fake highlights and washing me out. Its saddening because she covered up all of my natural hair color. Now I look like all of the other dumb, blonde bitches.

Hmmm. So I'm excited to go back and party, meet a few boys, flirt a little. Whitney promised that we'd find me some "wiener," even some "romantic wieners". I had no idea such wieners existed. Wiener is a disgusting word. I always associate it with someone jiggling a cold Oscar Meyer wiener, almost as a ritualistic-type dance. Hahaha.

Hopefully Sara and I will go to Prince Puckler's tonight for a delicious ice cream sundae. You haven't experienced life until you've had one of their sundaes.

Goodbye left shoe, float on downstream

The layout is completed and links are working! Blogger has wonderful features. The only thing that saddens me is the fact that I don't have a "Quotes" section anymore. Maybe I should create it as one large blog post...because I do love me a good quote.

Yesterday was a hot summer afternoon as Katie and I climbed upon our innertube to float down the McKenzie River. The weight difference was not ideal for sharing such a flotation device. Needless to say, we got stuck on rocks and couldn't properly paddle our way through without spinning in circles. At the beginning of our adventure I lost my right flipflop by kicking our way off the bank. But 20 minutes downstream, my shoe appeared! It proved to be elusive as we came an arm's length away several times and could never catch the darn thing. It is now lost in the infinite abyss of the river. (And I feel guilty for "littering".)

The other day at work, one of the chefs gave me a scoop of ice cream and asked how it was. A delighted smile appeared on my face, as he compared it to a smile one has right after sex. The satisfaction of good sex and good food is very similar.

It seems as if Don as already moved on to another girl (thank you facebook for allowing me to be stalkerish). I was replaced. Just as I replaced the one before me. I feel alright now but if I ever see him again, I know it will hurt a little. Besides, I deserve much better than him.

PS: Feed should now be available. :) Link is located at the bottom right-hand side.

There's a lot of "almosts" out there

After difficulties with the eidas.org server, I've (temporarily) moved to blogspot. Images and links will be fixed accordingly within the next few days.

To sum up what you've been missing the past few weeks (Alex, Stephanie and Ryan...my loyally insane readers):

-Don and I broke up. He was "kind of" seeing other girls. Coward. I knew from the beginning this would happen but I decided to follow for heart instead of my head for once. What we had was definitely fun (but quite possibly lacking substance), so I hold no ounce of regret. Luckily my heart isn't broken, just fractured and bleeding. I already miss him so much and it completely hurts because I still care about him. It is really painful to know could do that to me, after all of our good memories. Time will heal this. And hopefully someone better will come along. Hopefully one day he'll realize what/who he lost.

The day/night that we hung out before things ended, The Doors were playing in the background. "The End" came on. As the lyrics "This is the end, beautiful friend, this is the end, my only friend" spoke softly through the speakers, it hit me in the deepest pit of my stomach because I knew it was the end. Holding his body through the rest of the song, dread filled mine as I knew it was only a matter of time before we wouldn't be looking into each other's eyes for too much longer.

-I found bedding, woohoo! The sheets are organic and the duvet is cotton sateen with an intricate, pasley print-esque design.

-I was reading my diary from high school the other night and god damn, I was fucking hilarious! Severely lonely and depressed, but funny nonetheless.

I actually bought Hanson's new album, The Walk and was met with a wonderful surprise--approval! It is better than Underneath. My favorite songs are leaning towards "Tearing it Down", "Running Man" and of course "The Walk". It is refreshing to hear Zac's voice...not that I am bias or anything. :) Oh it is so fun being a Hanson fan again, heh. If only they were coming to the Northwest on their tour because that would be quite fun and energizing. Hanson concerts are always a good time.

If I was an animal, I'd love to be an elephant, especially a baby elephant. It seems like a good life.

I keep dreaming of moving back to Corvallis and how much happier I'd be. Only a little over a month before it happens. It's not that I'm sad here, I'm just not super happy. Only average. Not that I am complaining because this summer has been great, seeing many friends and having adventures along the way. Sometimes I wish I could enjoy the moment and stop envisioning the near future.

For the past year or so, I've been trying to find some new bedding. The search has recently intensified but all shopping efforts have proved fruitless. I am too picky...with everything.

Updated: Quotes (Photo gallery?...hm, yeah. Coming soon.)

New layout! It was meant to be published sooner but oh well. I really wanted to get the photo gallery up and working as well but lack the time and willingness to fix the kinks.

I still spend the majority of my days inside, at the restaurant, becoming more melancholy as days go by without frolicking in the sun. It adds insult to injury when it constantly lacks traffic. They need to somehow figure out a way to lure customers in (cure our boredom, please!). And Don is leaving soon to fight forest fires for two months. Now my days are going to be sunless and lonely.

As of two days ago, I am no longer a teenager. I feel like I should reflect on my teenage years but am plagued by a writing/thought block. The twenty's shall be much better.

I'm working all day, everyday. When I get home, the days activities are done and there is no time for fun in the sun. My longing for the freedom of the "sunshiney" outdoors grows stronger as my skin becomes paler with each passing day I am cooped up serving burritos. My eating schedule has been thrown off due to work. This is one of the most unsettling parts because I strongly dislike eating at random, weird times throughout the day. It is throwing my body off and is most likely continuing my insomnia.

All this work for money. Really. It is not worth it. To waste life like this. Beautiful days gone by without a smile in the sun. All of this money...for what? To buy things? So empty. It feels better to give and to share my rewards. I want to save some for traveling, "my travel fund" from here on out.

EDIT // I created a recycle bin at work. It killed me inside a little each time something recyclable was thrown away. Also, I'm tired of using my fake nice voice and fake smile. It's not good for the face or persona once "normal" life resumes outside the restaurant.