Wow. I broaded my religious horizons tonight. It gave me some...interesting insight. Definitely not many that I agreed with, but interesting none the less. I already have light in my life without religious direction, thank you. And I am not sinning nor am I lost in a life of darkness and bad behavior becauase I do not follow the word of God. The band was good though.

I wish there was a person who could give me daily big, warm and fuzzy bear hugs.

Plugs: Dmitri, Alex, Stephanie

I have the sudden urge to march in a protest. People here don't protest. Where are you my liberal leaning counterparts? I feel so politically and creatively deprived here...must join some clubs to fill that void.

Plain and simple, I have become addicted to Nature Valley granola bars, online shopping, and visions of romance.

Speaking of romance, I had a vision of my love life today. I will date a few semi-preppy yet down to earth guys but end up marrying a ruggedly handsome outdoorsy-type. We'd live in the mountains, maybe own a few pigs (I've always wanted a pig) and a freaking awesome big, cuddly dog. We'd have a grand fire place and sit around drinking beer, naked and wrapped up in blankets enjoying eachother's company in the beautiful firelight. Talking sweet nothings with the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the background and snow gracefully dancing around our cozy home.

Plugs: Dmitri, Alex, Laura, Stephanie, and RJA (because he knows why)

Sooo, last night. Aaahaha. They always say it is a bad idea to start something with people in your dorm. If I would have reciprocated his affection, we would have had sex. Like woah, I'm not ready to be deflowered yet. Guys are so weird. Hmm so yeah, I will keep you guys posted on this situation.

Edit @ 11:26 pm // This is very odd. I don't know how to deal with this because I am so innocent when it comes to anything sexual. I feel pathetic saying it, almost prude. But I am not going to give myself away to some random guy. No good ever comes out of that. I am not going to let somebody use me. I deserve to be treated well and so does everyone else.

What an invigorating mid-morning; a nice workout with 15 minutes on the bike, 15 minutes on the eliptical, and a short run home in the rain. With my head down and hood on, halfway back I had a revelation and realized what a beautiful thing running in the rain is. I shed my hood and turn my face upward, soaking up all of it's glory. Oh, and my "Kickin' Workout Beats" playlist? ...It fucking rocks.

Plugs: Stephanie, Dmitri, Alex, Laura

ahaha I love OSU on the weekends. Last night I got wasted and had a really, really good time. Probably the best since I've been here. I hit on like..every hot guy in sight, laughed continuously for hours, danced my ass off, got invited to come back to bed with a boy (who was surprisingly sober yet very horny), and ate a cookie..or two. There is more substance behind these stories but maybe that will be for a later time. I have massive homework and plus I can't find my shoes. And also, my best friend is really the best.

Major commenters props: Laura, Nile, Dmitri, Alex

Got my freak on last night. Woot w00t. What dancing fools we were. I attract the weirdest guys haha. My butt is a little sore.

My best friend might be transferring to another school next term. This makes me really sad. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. :(

A photo gallery is coming soon! So be prepared.

Edit // I might like a new boy.

Here, I discovered that am either really happy or really sad. Lonely/jealous or loved/content. There is generally no middle ground. And the jealousy issue is a killer sometimes.

Plugs: Alex, RJA, Dmitri, Stephanie

My roommate used my speakers over the weekend while I was gone. They are switched in different places. You do NOT use my speakers without asking. The end.

I made a mistake on Friday that I think made him hate me (even more haha). I don't want to babble forever, so I will leave it at that. The fall out I predicted a few weeks ago has happened. We've basically stopped talking. It might be for the better because I think I liked the idea of him more than him. But fuck, I'm tired of being lonely.

Written at home while I was internet-less:

October 14, 2005 @ 7:14 PM

It's weird being home. Everything is so quiet. I haven't witnessed this much quiet in an extended period of time for weeks. I miss my dorm more now than I have missed home. Shouldn't it be the other way? It has also made me realize how disconnected I am with the world outside off OSU. I haven't read the paper in ages.

It's nice to stink up my own bathroom for once.

Plugs: Alex, RJA, Dmitri

Monster Cookies are divine. The ones they have here are so easily accessible and delicious. They are to blame when I get fat. It's not if, it's when. There are many bad temptations here. And bad music (my god people, get some taste!).

I do miss that comfort of deeply liking somebody. I've been trying to suppress any feelings that I have for him. Is that stupid? I still don't know what to do/think.

I have a longing urge to go shopping.

Plugs // RJA, Laura, Dmitri

Okay so I'm pretty much sad, depressed and confused right now. I feel a good cry coming on. I don't know how to handle all these emotions and thoughts.

More on this later, for I am hella tired and my bed is calling...

(cont. on Oct 7 @ 12:37 pm)

He came up and visited yesterday. It was going good until a certain point at conversation during diner. It made me realize how immature he is (despite his age) and what is motives are. I've done a lot of thinking and talking with people who I trust look up to. I can do better. I will always consider him a friend but I don't envision anything happening between us unless there is something much more deeper under his skin.

The Lovelies: RJA, Rain, Mez, Dmitri, Stephanie, Alex

College is fuunnn. Boys are fun. College boys are fun.

Shit. Sometimes you wonder if things are meant to be and why things go certain ways. Maybe all of them are signs. He tried to come up today but with my school schedule it wouldn't work. We agreed on the "next week" thing...but it is now or never. It's like when someone says, "I'll call you later, we'll hang out!" and you know it's not going to happen. They just say it because there is nothing else to say. I am determined not to let that happen.

I see many of potentials per day, so why do I keeping hanging on to him?

Room still smells like shit despite my air freshening attempts, although it is a little homier as we add to our decoration repertoire.

Plugs: Dmitri Von Klien, RJA, Alex, Janet

Underage drinking in the dorm is dumb. Blatantly drinking during the football game is dumb. Going out to a house party, fine. But why would you risk getting kicked out and fined just to get a buzz before you go out? People are stupid and I'm not going to participate in that. Sometimes my responsibility and fear of consequences takes the better of me and hinders me from having fun. I plan to go out but not be an idiot.

I need him to visit to see if my feelings have changed and/or if they are true (haha I'm so needy). Either way, he has changed my life. (My Dove chocolate fortune said to 'Send a love letter this week' *raises eyebrows*).

In the past couple of days I've done more walking and tripping then I ever have. I seriously trip at least 2-3 times a day. haha It's great comedic relief.

Mad crazy party last night. /Kidding/. When we got there, the keg was dry. We walked around for an hour trying to find something else. I have blisters on all four sides of my feet to prove. The end.

I have a sinking feeling that me and him are going to have a fall out if we don't see one another soon.

My roommie got us a rug but it smells like shit and I don't know how to tell her.

Plugs / RJA, Stephanie, Dmitri

Is there a good way to hide the ugliness of 5 million cords? My desk is engulfed in hordes of them. My freaking cool mouse pad doesn't work with my mouse, the drag is horrible. How disappointing. I desperately need more decorations. This place is so sterile looking.

He called me. <33 He never fades from my mind. I'll see something/someone that reminds me of him and my mind goes off into a distant land. It's kind of comforting in a way.

Ahhh college life. I've met a lot of nice, new people. We're attempting to get our room all settled and cozy. My roommate seems pretty cool so far. Our hall is a bit quite. Everyone looks so young.

I chickened out last night. I couldn't get myself to tell him how I really feel. We had a good night though. His hugs are great. Today he texted me a couple of times, once asking if boys were allowed in my dorm and again saying that he would have to come up and visit. Wheee. I love being in his company and I miss it horribly. I miss the way he makes me laugh. I miss the way he makes me smile. I miss the way he makes me feel.

Tuesday is the big day. Dorm life will be a different experience, I hope I adjust alright. I'm going to fucking miss his ass. I don't think I'll ever meet a person like him again.

Tomorrow I'm either making a move or telling him the way I feel. I honestly have no idea how we are going to end up. It would be so much easier if he confessed his love (if he has any) but life/love isn't that way. /Aw, he just texted me./

I'm trying to keep it cool but secretly I'm stressing. This whole packing business can be overwhelming. I know I'm going to forget something important.

Dmitri: No doubt I will. :)

This could go two ways--an incredible relationship or a beautiful friendship. Obviously the former is preferred but either way would be satisfying. He is an amazing person that I never want to lose contact with. We'll see what happens in these days to come...

He. Is. So. Cute. Wheee.

The end.

Plugs: Dmitri, RJA

I can't stop thinking about him. It's gotten to the point where it's horribly annoying. Before it was comforting but now it needs to stop. Is it supposed to be like this? Is this normal? I think I really will insane if this continues. Hell, I don't even know if he likes me back. If he doesn't it will surely break my heart.

I've never had my heart broken. I don't know if I could emotionally handle rejection at that level. Yes, I've had my feelings hurt with the dreaded situation of "my crush ended up asking my friend out". But daaang. This is a lot of poo.

I need a hug.

Plugs: RJA, Mez, Dmitri

So I wrote a really sweet entry late last night and then my browser quit (okay, actually it was quite lame but that is unimportant). Shit, I really wish I wasn't leaving now...and it's all because of a boy. A new one, a better one, a beautiful one that makes me smile and laugh and feel all giddy like a little girl. Last night was much fun. I can't recall the last time I felt that happy. Why did he have to come into my life at such an inconvenient time? I could go on forever about him but alas, I don't want to bore you.

Woah, my hair is short. I'm still getting used to seeing myself with shoulder length hair and side bangs.

Things are winding down, work is coming to an end, high school is finally left behind. It is all so sad yet refreshing at the same time. There are things, people, and memories that I will hold closely to my heart and never forget. To me, that is beautiful.

<3: Laura, Stephanie, RJA, Dmitri

No more am I going to let you hold me down. For I am in control of me. I am free on my own behalf. Your fears will not become mine. Your protection has hindered my growth. Now I am reborn, creating my life the way I want it.

In the words of Eric Cartman...