I feel conflicted. Its always so up and down with Ryan. When we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I get all these strong feelings and I feel like I can't live without him. But this weekend when we spent time together, those feelings disappeared and I was left with annoyance and doubt, wondering why in the hell we were together. The attraction and special bond was gone. I feel like the distance and sex is the only thing keeping us together.

Speaking of sex, did you know that 80% of women don't/can't orgasm during sex? Those poor women, how the fuck do they survive?! Because it really is one of the best things in life.

Its hard to be away from Katie. Ever since 9th grade we've been close and saw eachother almost everday. Now that I'm not in Eugene anymore we don't talk as much and I really miss her. Although, when we do talk it is forver and it feels so good. I feel like a whole person again. Isn't it weird how (best) friendships can affect a person so much?

EDIT // The guitar Sarah gave me for free is fucking vintage; from the 60s/70s. Freaking sweet. I think it needs some new strings....and some lovin.

I've decided that sometime next year I will do a study abroad to France in the intensive language program. Then the following year, my senior year, I will go to Sweden as apart of the business degree (major=business, minor=French). I've picked Sweden to visit my roots, plus there has been so many good reviews about it.

Also, I would like to have a cafe (Cafe Dior..omfg, I love it). I might do a two-year interior design program at an art school if I feel restless and the longing need for creativity.

Ryan is wonderful. We talk more consistently and he's doing the calling too (finally). Since I am back in town, I want to spend all of my time with him but that is utterly impossible because my parents don't know about him. I need to bring it up in stages instead of dropping the bomb that I am dating someone 6 years older. I've always thought of myself as sexually open, which I am...with others. But when it comes to Ryan I am shy and unimaginativeve. I don't know why. Maybe because I am intimidated by his experience and forwardness. Any good tips? desperately need to work on my dirty talk.

I'm so ready to eat a lot tomorrow.

<3 for Stephanie and Alex, it feels so good to have you guys comment on here again!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. Probably due to the fact that when we did become official, nothing changed. Being 30-some miles away doesn't allow the relationship to progress and grow. It's hard to have something real over the phone and when we see eachother once a week, if that. We're never NOT going to be long distance. It's always been difficult with us and it will always be difficult. I hope this improves because I can't deal with it. Sometimes I want to shake him and be like, "God Damnit Ryan, put in a little effort!!"

I really need some new socks for Christmas. All of mine are holy and dirty. Gross.

HOLY CRAP. Unpredictable is back up and running. After how many months?! Too many!! Your comments are overly welcome. :)

A longer, more insightful blog later.

I found my soccer shorts from middle school. They are actually quite comfortable despite the elastic being too tight. I've been trying to strech it out without any luck.

I also found some of my old pop CDs. Like Will Smith's "Big Willie Style" and "Willennium", Ricky Martin, and Backstreet Boys. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm enjoying listening to Will Smith.

No one in the Oregon job market wants my services. Le sigh. Unemployment is just wonderful. Although, this does give me more time to work on my abs and butt and important things like that haha.

I miss people commenting, you dunces!

People often underestimate me. Its because they don't take the time to get to know the real me, so they don't expect a lot and/or certain things. They are surprised when I do something great or out of the ordinary for what they think I am capable of. They say, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't think you could do that." Its like, WTF? You don't know me so shut your face!

I've also come to the realization that I do poorly in interview situations. I get way too nervous and flub up. Employers can't look past that, so they disreguard me, not knowing they are passing up a good worker. This also relates to the above paragraph.

I hope you are still celebrating the Beaver's National Championship, as I proudly am.

This has been one of the first late night bloggings in a while. Ah it feels nice. :)

HI. OREGON STATE BEAVERS ARE THE NATIONAL BASEBALL CHAMPIONS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Our boys deserve it, they have been nothing but incredible all year. Coming from the loosers bracket then to come back and take the Nation Title is just crazy. It has been a pleasure seeing them practice at the beginning of this year out of my dorm window, to the games at Goss, to finally watching them win the world series. (And props to Mitch Canham for being incredibly good looking...just had to throw that one in there).

All should celebrate this amazing event in college baseball history. :)

Yay!

WTF? Zac Hanson got married!

Her dress is cute.

New layout. Its about stinking time, huh?

School is over. The first chapter of college life is done. Shit dawg (um?), I'm going the miss the dorms and (most) of the people. I made a hella lot of mistakes (I don't even want to begin to explain) but grew from them. I know who I am now more than ever. I'm finally completely happy with myself. I love life. Things changed, in a good way. :) I can't wait for next year in our cozy apartment, playing soccer and joining clubs. Next year is the year for me.

Over the past few years I've noticed my instinct is hella good. I think I might have been a psychic in my past life.

Don't lead me on, play me with, don't treat me as a flavor of the month (night?), don't disrespect me. I am better than that. Many men treat women like toys, using them at their own disposal when they want a little excitement. I am not one to treat as a toy. You don't know what you are missing by using me and not keeping me.

.......

The pictures are being stripped down, the rug is being rolled up and the clothes are being packed. Finals are being taken, books are being returned (or not purchased back..damn bookstore) and people are leaving. An empty room full of memories: lust, anger, sadness, happiness, bonding, crying, eating, snacking, napping....

Oh yes, my freshman year. My first dorm. My first roommate. Forever remembered.

More later. :)

Oh geeza, I am such an IDIOT. Why why why?!?! He is alawys my weak spot, everytime...every god damn time.

I was also shafted for the first time in my life (by someone different than above). Maybe I had it coming after all the guys I've rejected. I'm usually the rejecter, not the rejectee. Good thing my emotions weren't it in or else it would've been a great disappointment.

Anyway, finals are coming up. From now til the end of the week my stress is going to be high. I need to keep reminding myself to stay strong and focus on the moment.

I keep biting different parts of my cheek over and over. Blah. I don't know whether I have allergies or some sort of cold, either. Pooh.

What ever happened to Edwin McCain? That guy has fucking talent. He needs to get back on the scene.

What should be the subject of my new layout?

(God I've become so dull, sorry all hahaha.)

I love crafting (..and downloading new music). I've missed doing artsy things this year. I'm seriously considering interior designer as a minor. Although I really want to do French because I need to achieve one of my life goals of becoming fluent in another langage. I have a lot of random life goals. Can you see me being an interior designer? I mean, I used to be obsessed with Trading Spaces, so that gives me automatic skills. Riiight. That is, if you call painting the wall with chickens and assembling unstable furniture skill.

Waiting for someone to call is killer. Maybe I should? Ahh.

TWO MORE WEEKS. And I'll still be a freshman...damn credits and Math 95 that didn't count for shit. I've already accepted the fact that I won't graduate in four years. Anyway.

The latest happenings in my world:

-Found the cutest apartment EVER. So excited its going to be ours in less than 1 week.
-Met the greatest guy ever. Actually quite normal and quite different from the norm. Maybe this will go somewhere?! AND when I wear heels he is still taller than me.
-Sobe claims they are a "healthy refreshment," but high fructose corn syrup is not considered healthy.
-My skin is a little dry for some odd reason. And I've been thristy a lot.
-I'm going to braid my hair in pigtails so it will be wavy.

What happened to all my visitors?

Hi. I got a car. My own car. Like, get-a-new-key-chain my car. Its a 2002 dark blue Mustang. I am happy. :) I need to name it something badass. Help?

Okay that is all!!

There's so much I want to do/accomplish in life. I don't want to focus on just one thing. What is the point in that when I could be an interior designer, make up artist, boutique owner, cafe owner, band manager, photographer, politician, chef, mom, fluent in French and Italian, indie record label CEO, graphic designer, ahh the possibilities are endless. I want to do so much, travel so many places and experience so many things. Why is it that society limits us to such little possibilities?

They shouldn't charge you for traveling the world. They should PAY you. Yeah, yeah, the economy, multi-national companies and are the reason, but still...the enrichment of one's mind and life is more important.

I've gone through such an epiphany this past week. Life changing epiphanys are fun.

Stress is a bitch.

As much as I have umm..experienced this year, I am glad it is coming to a close. I will miss some, remember some, and forget some. I think I need to move on to the next part of my life and get out of the social, crazy atmosphere of the dorms. I'm getting annoyed at the people around here...its time to move on and continue to the next phase of college. I've done the crazy shit everyone should do, now I am focusing on the importance of myself. A great many lessons have been learned.

Just so you know, this the first post coming from the OSU library.

I miss the hippie-ness from Eugene. I miss all the natural people. So many people here are fake, not being real to themselves. God, I am so gonna be an old hippie living in the woods using leaf toilet paper by the time I retire hahaha. I was going to say I would have a long gray beard but then I realized I was a female. My vision is slightly ruined now. Maybe my husband will have one.

I'm being a bitch to everyone lately. A mix of PMS and annoyance puts me in a shitty mood. Plus seeing the same faces and hearing the same voices everday makes me want to barf. I am not one for monotony...most of the time at least.

So I think I'm getting a car for next year. Woot.

I kind of want to get a tattoo. Something small and very hidden. Maybe like on the inside of my toe haha. That would be sweet. Mandy Moore has a star (or was is it a heart?) on hers.

Anyway, I am procrastinating like hell. But who knew? The library really IS a great place to get work done. *knock on wood*

Bob Marley always puts one at ease and in a good mood.

One of the best things you can to is respect yourself. Without that, no one will respect you. Take care of your body, mind and soul. Don't get caught up in things that don't matter. Set your priorities straight. Love yourself and all else will fall into place.

Do I ever have some fucking stories from this year...ahh, great college memories. Well maybe not all of them are that great but they sure are interesting. If only I could go into detial...maybe 4 years from now.

What are some of your amusing college stories?

I've been eating so many oranges lately that the nail I use to peel is turning orange in one spot. haha

I need a job for this summer. Shitty.

How do you know if a guy is 'the one'? Maybe not necessarily for life, but to date. Will you instinctual know it? I am so picky and my standards are so high, that I reject everything that is not perfect in my eyes. I have been bombarded with so many guys recently, what if I have passed up the one? I like being single but then again I want someone to love and I want someone to love me.

I don't want to pass up something beautifully amazing. It is hard to see everything clearly when you are blinded (at least in one eye) by someone else. Its hard to cope when you know that something might be right but its now unattainable.

I think I will just know it....I hope.

Love is a tough subject, so forget it. I've gone through a lot these past two weeks. I had a revelation on Sunday. My drinking was out of control. I was out of control. I had no respect for myself and I just didn't care. My motto was "Just fuck it."? I was already in the hole, so what was another mistake? My drinking started affecting others close to me, then I realized it had become a big problem. When my shit hurt other people it just had to be changed. I'm changing. Drinking not to get drunk as fast a possible, but to get a nice buzz and have fun. No more shows to put on. No more making out with random guys. No more crazy ass shit. I have potential to live up to. I have myself, and that is all I've got.

This made me giggle:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

So my date went well but not exceptional (I wore lip gloss, Alex). We had many things to talk about but I didn't do much of the talking. The beauty of me is that it takes time to get to know me, you just gotta let it flow and be around me. I hope to see him again but it wouldn't break my heart of I didn't.

ahaha I thought of something tonight, "I like my men like I like my pita chips, hard on the outside and soft on the inside."

Maybe going out tonight? I dunno. I gotta lay off on the booze, guys. For real. You don't even know...