Happy New Year every one. :) I wish you all the best for 2007!
Ryan's gone psycho one me. Eeks.
Work is great (despite the clothes-folding). The people love me and I love them. I am so thankful for their generosity. I need to become more giving.
I like coffe but it makes me jittery/twitchy and slightly crazy.
Its always scary driving around New Year's Eve with all the drunk drivers. Stupidity.
I can't find the right bra with wear with my shirt tonight.
I'm wearing bright pink socks, its amazing.
Life is great.

For years, I've wanted to do something to help people and affect their lives. I wish I had millions of dollars to give to charity. I wish I had a stronger stomach to be a nurse, even a doctor. I wish I was good with large groups of kids to be a teacher. I've always felt like nuturing and comforting people. Then I realized last night that I could do that on a smaller scale by being a mom. I need to start volunteering again, too. Maybe there is some profession out that where I could provide nuturance to many. Any ideas?

Logan didn't fit my car, so I changed it's name to Luke. Its much more fitting, seeing as it is a sexy dark blue Mustang (2002). Must post pictures of it sometime. I haven't had any galmour shots with it yet.

My Grandma might be dying, she fell the other night and isn't doing well. She's 94 so I kind of thought she would live forever, you know? My mom is going up to see her tomorrow. I want to as well but fucking work has me scheduled all day...work isn't important, I want to see her. I feel guilty because I haven't seen her since August or so. We are only two hours apart so its not that hard to make the time. Why do we have so many regrets when people die or are on the verge of dying? Ryan needs to hold me and tell me its going to be okay.

I'm waiting for something or someone to change my life.

I feel so predictable lately. I'm stuck in a rut, doing the same things, eating the same things, thinking about the same things. I want to be more spontaneous and change things up a little bit. People get so comfortable and stuck in their ways and before they even realize it, its too late to change...I don't want to get this deep.

I saw Ryan last night. I told him the short version of why things weren't working and why I was frustrated. He is one of the most stubborn, unable to communicate people I've ever met. He said something about emotions and attachment and how it doesn't other him--if I wanted "to just be friends and fool around" that would be completely fine by him. Yeah the sex is great but no, HELL no! I told him I don't do that, it just ends up hurting me. "But what do you do when you get horny?" Fucking A. He and I have always been about sexual attraction and always will be. Why do I constantly try to make something more of it? I keep hoping that we'll connect on a higher level, although that will never happen. He's not serious and I am. I shouldn't have given him a second chance. I should've left the break up the way it was. I need to let go.

I can't come back home this summer. It would save money but I can't be in this household with my father's yelling and his negative energy. It punctures my soul to be around a person who doesn't love life. Being back for break reminds me of the verbal and emotional abuse that I left when I went away to college. He doesn't understand what's important in life. To him, life is business and business is life. No; people, friendships, relationships, love, nature, becoming a true and good human being, etc. are the most important things in life. My life is going to be beautiful, not bitter like so many other's in this world. And you know what? My life is already beautiful.

Ryan and I might be getting back together?! More on this later...

Commenters: <3 for Alex and Stephanie

EDIT // My horoscope said today "If something breaks down, this could be a sign that it needs to be eliminated from your life as you clean up your act and get ready for what's next." Maybe this is a sign for what's coming in a few days when me and Ryan "talk".

At work last night, Ryan didn't talk to me at first but then started semi-flirting. What the crap? I'm not sad anymore...just horny (all I can think about is good makeup sex) and disappointed at his low maturity level.

The lights keep dimming in my room. I can't tell if its really the lights or my eyes. Maybe I'm going crazy. Oh heck, that's already affirmative! I keep tossing and turning so much during the night, that my sheets are on the floor every morning and I wake up wrapped in the comforter.

I want someone to hold me and hug me--a big strong man. That's why I liked Ryan's body. He was so muscular and manly feeling. Aesthetically he was a man but mentally he was a child.

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. They came out kind of small, like bite-sized except a little bigger. It makes me feel like I can eat more of them because of their petit size.

EDIT // I think it would be fun to have a pig, they are just sooo freaking cute that it's hard to handle. It would also be fun to meet Will Smith. My phone is lonely now that it doesn't receive texts from that guy anymore. At least I'll save money on the phone bill...that is a good way to look at it.

Ryan and I broke up last night. I was hoping that since we hadn't seen eachother in so long the chemistry would appear again. No luck. Nothing was there. As the night went on it felt wrong and forced to be affectionate with him. On the way back from the movie theater all I could think about was how wrong we were for eachother and how badly this wasn't working. I wanted to break up before I left but I couldn't do it. Instead I gave him and measly hug and a peck on the lips as I tried so hard to drive away without crying.

Later he texted me something like, "Why won't you get close to me? You're the most unaffectionate girl I've ever met." I told him the connection was gone and I don't feel the same way about him anymore. He agreed and said we should "just stop". I called him a few times after that but he wouldn't pick up his phone, instead resorting to texts (like fucking always) telling me he just wanted me to be happy and that I probably already have other guys in mind that aren't like him. No no no.

I cried. I cried silently for a long time. I didn't want it to end this way. All I want to do is talk to him. Damn him and his stubborn ass.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Not anger, maybe sadness mixed with the emotion of losing a friend (I hope to God we can still be friends because I can't imagine life without him. I think that is all we were destined to be).

EDIT // I feel so alone and lost, a deep melancholy has struck me. My first fucking boyfriend and nice guy and I can only keep him for two months.

EDIT #2 // Big, plastic nativity scenes that people prop up in their front lawns for the holidays are not only tacky but kind of creepy. There's something about poorly-painted plastic holy people that just isn't right.

Winter break, so lovely. Friends, sleep, food, Christmas lights (my favorite part of xmas. oh, and the smell too), holiday joys...then there is work and all those joys that come with working retail. People make too much of buying gifts. I would rather have a homemade card with a letter written from the heart than a random gift found at the mall. Maybe something small and very thoughtful to go with it, a gift specially catered to me. Too many presents are impersonal these days.

I received my first college 4.0 this term. I should've had it a couple of times last year but some teachers thought differently. Also, I bought a new blow drier the other day. I really like how it dries my hair but its SO loud. It sounds like I'm firing up a jet engine each time I use it.

I've been thinking--if I were an animal, I'd definitely be a wolf. They are amazing and beautiful creatures.

I ate a worm last night. It came from the boxed brownies we made, cooked worm as a weird texture. I thought I was going to barf so I washed it down the sink but two seconds later I realized I could've kept it for evidence and sued for thousands! Dang.

Ryan and I almost broke up this weekend. I got angry at his lack of effort, attention and seriousness. Amongst many things, I told him he is my number one. He said I shouldn't do that because he is his number one. At that point I felt the words forming in my head but I coudln't get them out of my mouth. Somehow he talked me out of it but its still unresolved (for me at least). When winter break starts, I want to take time apart so he can have time for himself, moving and starting his now job/career. I can't deal with a selfish person right now. I deserve more care and attention than that--which I don't think is too much to ask because I give the same in return.

I've had a re-occuring dream that I'm swimming in a pond that turns into a nasty swamp with scary water creatures and a slimy bottom. Once I get past that, the water is clear and scenery is beautiful. But the other night I had the same dream and the passage to the beauty was blocked off by a metal gate. What could this mean?

Mint Oreos are DELICIOUS.

I feel conflicted. Its always so up and down with Ryan. When we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I get all these strong feelings and I feel like I can't live without him. But this weekend when we spent time together, those feelings disappeared and I was left with annoyance and doubt, wondering why in the hell we were together. The attraction and special bond was gone. I feel like the distance and sex is the only thing keeping us together.

Speaking of sex, did you know that 80% of women don't/can't orgasm during sex? Those poor women, how the fuck do they survive?! Because it really is one of the best things in life.

Its hard to be away from Katie. Ever since 9th grade we've been close and saw eachother almost everday. Now that I'm not in Eugene anymore we don't talk as much and I really miss her. Although, when we do talk it is forver and it feels so good. I feel like a whole person again. Isn't it weird how (best) friendships can affect a person so much?

EDIT // The guitar Sarah gave me for free is fucking vintage; from the 60s/70s. Freaking sweet. I think it needs some new strings....and some lovin.

I've decided that sometime next year I will do a study abroad to France in the intensive language program. Then the following year, my senior year, I will go to Sweden as apart of the business degree (major=business, minor=French). I've picked Sweden to visit my roots, plus there has been so many good reviews about it.

Also, I would like to have a cafe (Cafe Dior..omfg, I love it). I might do a two-year interior design program at an art school if I feel restless and the longing need for creativity.

Ryan is wonderful. We talk more consistently and he's doing the calling too (finally). Since I am back in town, I want to spend all of my time with him but that is utterly impossible because my parents don't know about him. I need to bring it up in stages instead of dropping the bomb that I am dating someone 6 years older. I've always thought of myself as sexually open, which I am...with others. But when it comes to Ryan I am shy and unimaginativeve. I don't know why. Maybe because I am intimidated by his experience and forwardness. Any good tips? desperately need to work on my dirty talk.

I'm so ready to eat a lot tomorrow.

<3 for Stephanie and Alex, it feels so good to have you guys comment on here again!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. Probably due to the fact that when we did become official, nothing changed. Being 30-some miles away doesn't allow the relationship to progress and grow. It's hard to have something real over the phone and when we see eachother once a week, if that. We're never NOT going to be long distance. It's always been difficult with us and it will always be difficult. I hope this improves because I can't deal with it. Sometimes I want to shake him and be like, "God Damnit Ryan, put in a little effort!!"

I really need some new socks for Christmas. All of mine are holy and dirty. Gross.

HOLY CRAP. Unpredictable is back up and running. After how many months?! Too many!! Your comments are overly welcome. :)

A longer, more insightful blog later.

I found my soccer shorts from middle school. They are actually quite comfortable despite the elastic being too tight. I've been trying to strech it out without any luck.

I also found some of my old pop CDs. Like Will Smith's "Big Willie Style" and "Willennium", Ricky Martin, and Backstreet Boys. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm enjoying listening to Will Smith.

No one in the Oregon job market wants my services. Le sigh. Unemployment is just wonderful. Although, this does give me more time to work on my abs and butt and important things like that haha.

I miss people commenting, you dunces!

People often underestimate me. Its because they don't take the time to get to know the real me, so they don't expect a lot and/or certain things. They are surprised when I do something great or out of the ordinary for what they think I am capable of. They say, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't think you could do that." Its like, WTF? You don't know me so shut your face!

I've also come to the realization that I do poorly in interview situations. I get way too nervous and flub up. Employers can't look past that, so they disreguard me, not knowing they are passing up a good worker. This also relates to the above paragraph.

I hope you are still celebrating the Beaver's National Championship, as I proudly am.

This has been one of the first late night bloggings in a while. Ah it feels nice. :)

HI. OREGON STATE BEAVERS ARE THE NATIONAL BASEBALL CHAMPIONS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Our boys deserve it, they have been nothing but incredible all year. Coming from the loosers bracket then to come back and take the Nation Title is just crazy. It has been a pleasure seeing them practice at the beginning of this year out of my dorm window, to the games at Goss, to finally watching them win the world series. (And props to Mitch Canham for being incredibly good looking...just had to throw that one in there).

All should celebrate this amazing event in college baseball history. :)

Yay!

WTF? Zac Hanson got married!

Her dress is cute.

New layout. Its about stinking time, huh?

School is over. The first chapter of college life is done. Shit dawg (um?), I'm going the miss the dorms and (most) of the people. I made a hella lot of mistakes (I don't even want to begin to explain) but grew from them. I know who I am now more than ever. I'm finally completely happy with myself. I love life. Things changed, in a good way. :) I can't wait for next year in our cozy apartment, playing soccer and joining clubs. Next year is the year for me.

Over the past few years I've noticed my instinct is hella good. I think I might have been a psychic in my past life.

Don't lead me on, play me with, don't treat me as a flavor of the month (night?), don't disrespect me. I am better than that. Many men treat women like toys, using them at their own disposal when they want a little excitement. I am not one to treat as a toy. You don't know what you are missing by using me and not keeping me.

.......

The pictures are being stripped down, the rug is being rolled up and the clothes are being packed. Finals are being taken, books are being returned (or not purchased back..damn bookstore) and people are leaving. An empty room full of memories: lust, anger, sadness, happiness, bonding, crying, eating, snacking, napping....

Oh yes, my freshman year. My first dorm. My first roommate. Forever remembered.

More later. :)

Oh geeza, I am such an IDIOT. Why why why?!?! He is alawys my weak spot, everytime...every god damn time.

I was also shafted for the first time in my life (by someone different than above). Maybe I had it coming after all the guys I've rejected. I'm usually the rejecter, not the rejectee. Good thing my emotions weren't it in or else it would've been a great disappointment.

Anyway, finals are coming up. From now til the end of the week my stress is going to be high. I need to keep reminding myself to stay strong and focus on the moment.

I keep biting different parts of my cheek over and over. Blah. I don't know whether I have allergies or some sort of cold, either. Pooh.

What ever happened to Edwin McCain? That guy has fucking talent. He needs to get back on the scene.

What should be the subject of my new layout?

(God I've become so dull, sorry all hahaha.)

I love crafting (..and downloading new music). I've missed doing artsy things this year. I'm seriously considering interior designer as a minor. Although I really want to do French because I need to achieve one of my life goals of becoming fluent in another langage. I have a lot of random life goals. Can you see me being an interior designer? I mean, I used to be obsessed with Trading Spaces, so that gives me automatic skills. Riiight. That is, if you call painting the wall with chickens and assembling unstable furniture skill.

Waiting for someone to call is killer. Maybe I should? Ahh.