New layout! It was meant to be published sooner but oh well. I really wanted to get the photo gallery up and working as well but lack the time and willingness to fix the kinks.

I still spend the majority of my days inside, at the restaurant, becoming more melancholy as days go by without frolicking in the sun. It adds insult to injury when it constantly lacks traffic. They need to somehow figure out a way to lure customers in (cure our boredom, please!). And Don is leaving soon to fight forest fires for two months. Now my days are going to be sunless and lonely.

As of two days ago, I am no longer a teenager. I feel like I should reflect on my teenage years but am plagued by a writing/thought block. The twenty's shall be much better.

I'm working all day, everyday. When I get home, the days activities are done and there is no time for fun in the sun. My longing for the freedom of the "sunshiney" outdoors grows stronger as my skin becomes paler with each passing day I am cooped up serving burritos. My eating schedule has been thrown off due to work. This is one of the most unsettling parts because I strongly dislike eating at random, weird times throughout the day. It is throwing my body off and is most likely continuing my insomnia.

All this work for money. Really. It is not worth it. To waste life like this. Beautiful days gone by without a smile in the sun. All of this money...for what? To buy things? So empty. It feels better to give and to share my rewards. I want to save some for traveling, "my travel fund" from here on out.

EDIT // I created a recycle bin at work. It killed me inside a little each time something recyclable was thrown away. Also, I'm tired of using my fake nice voice and fake smile. It's not good for the face or persona once "normal" life resumes outside the restaurant.

Lately I've developed the bad and annoying habit of cracking my knuckles. I usually only do it when nervous/uncomfortable or bored. I've also been flirting a lot for no apparent reason. Which is very uncharacteristic because I am not the flirty type, nor do I ever instigate it. Maybe its for attention...because I'm certainly not getting much of it from Don. We are drifting apart but hopefully not losing interest.

The people at my new work are crazy! It makes it enjoyable because I am crazy too. I'm becoming more and more comfortable as a waitress but 6+ hours on concrete floors is draining, even with good shoes. The food is pretty tasty too. It is a "higher class" Mexican cuisine, instead of using refrieds they use black beans, etc.

I realized another one of my greatest fears today: getting locked inside a walk-in refrigerator (or freezer). The door at work sticks and every time I use it, a rush of panic surges through my body and my mind envisions me forever stuck in the walk-in fridge.

Downloading classic rock reminds me of how much I wish I would've been alive at this age through the 60's and 70's. The music, movements and the lifestyle seems to fit me. I would've been the greatest hippie ever.

I read not too long ago that seeing a spider before midnight is good luck, while seeing one after is bad. I saw two in my room today, one before midnight and the other after...hopefully this means I'll have neutral luck.

My abs have been looking very toned lately. I'm not really doing anything. I think its in correlation with all the sex. But that hasn't happened for a couple of weeks due to our distance. I miss him. A lot. He is always on my mind, whether in the back or front. Let us be true...

I've been having trouble sleeping. So last night in hopes to cure the insomnia, I found a few Hindu symbols for tattooing. The intricate yet flowing details are beautiful. Everything about Hinduism has always intrigued me. Maybe I was a Hindu in a past life. Anyway, I would like to find a tattoo artist with extensive knowledge of Hinduism, so as to find a symbol, meaning and all, that suits me best.


Beauty in a line

Previous attempts to grow house plants and flowers have turned into failures, as I coined myself with having a brown thumb (as opposed to green...not like that other kind of brown, euuhh). But miraculously my thumb isn't so brown after all! By some twist of fate, I have three thriving house plants. One is a Japanese Peace Lilly (currently nameless, poor guy), which has at least doubled in size since November; second is a Dieffenbachia named Stimpy; third is bamboo which has three shoots to symbolizes happiness.

Do you have a pair of shoes that you always trip in? I wore that particular pair today. I tripped like three times, it never fails!

Today I also saw a Jamaican-looking guy downtown on a "low-rider" bicycle. It had a freaking huge stereo system attached to a cart the back, appropriately blasting Reggae. I can't even explain it, it was so amazing. It was so out of place, yet I admired the guy for his boldness. I wanted to stop and ask all sorts of questions. It would suck if he wanted to stop somewhere and had to lock up his bike...someone would definitely steal it! Or at least get a piece or two off of it.

My make-shift computer stand, consisting of the La-Z-Boy arm chair, is going to give me carpal tunnel. The problem with setting the laptop on my lap is the that bottom heats up quickly, thus making for a pair of very hot legs. It burns. And pillows won't do the job. The heat soaks through the thin ones and the keyboard is too high on the fluffy ones. What to do...what to do?

The day the restaurant opens and I start work has been pushed back another week. Leaving me a little less than 7 days to continue siting in a puddle of pure boredom. My mind is restless from lack of activity and stimulation. My friends work during the day, leaving only nights as a respite from my house. Being at home is not fun. Since my parents operate their business from home, they are always here, surrounding me. There is so much negative energy. It's suffocating. It leaves me annoyed and bitter.

EDIT // I researched my birth control, Aviane, online and found that other people have the same intense emotional symptoms as I (anger, depression, anxiety, along with decreased appetite, acne, etc.). This explains so much! I need to get off this shit and find something better...fast.

I think I'm suffering from a slight bit of paranoia. There's not just one paranoia but a multitude of fears and anxieties. I would create a list but feel like it would add to my already semi-crazed thoughts. Oh geez! Maybe a little meditation is needed to clear and calm the mind.

A new layout and completed photo gallery is coming within the next week or so.

And so, Ashley's saga of bad luck and misfortune continues. Last night I decided that I definitely need to drive up to see Don for a serious talk and possibly a "break up". It is always such a terrible emotional roller coaster with him, I've never cried about a man so much in my life. It is not healthy. The recent lies, omissions of facts and the "I don't want to be exclusively with you" vibes are enough. It has driven me past the point of crazy and into a neurotic, angry psycho.

This summer, the suffering must end and and revival of happiness must be met. A true happiness. A deep happiness that lasts forever.

EDIT // Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers Baseball team for winning another National Championship! Back-to-back...that's right bitches.

Someday, I want to get a big, hairy dog. Maybe something like a Newfoundland. There is something about a big, huge, cuddly dog that I love. I would also like to get a pot belly pig, especially for training purposes. And you know I would dress it up like that!

The family and I took a wonderful trip to the Oregon coast this afternoon. It had to be one of the most gorgeous, busiest days that I have ever seen. If you ever have a chance, visit the thunderous waves of Devil's Churn. There are lots of nooks and cranies to explore.

My job as a server at a newly opened restaurant starts in a week. As a first time waitress, I am hoping that I will have enough pep to last through my shifts so as to collect an extraordinary amount of tips. And hey, I even get to serve beer! Yeeah.

Something is making me depressed and putting me into a horribly foul mood, especially while at my house and around the parents. It feels like a combination of PMS, birth control and stress. Stress due to the fact of my distrust in Don. I suspect Don is/was dating other girls behind my back. Well maybe not dating but at least hanging out with them and omitting the fact that he is. I feel threatened. My heart can't take much more hurt from use and abuse.

I've decided that this whole "love" thing is not for me. The romantic, relationship scene is not my scene. I've always hated those questions, "Have you ever been in love?" or "Who was your first love?". A brick falls to my stomach as I think, "it is hard to love when no one has loved you back." Now I will proceed to live a loveless, lonely life, becoming a haggard old lady who lives in the forest and grooms her rock garden diligently...

EDIT // Or simply, I am lovesick.

No more first apartment. No more freedom of late nights and boys. No more crappy meals! While unpacking I noticed that all of my things still smell like our apartment. I already miss that place, it had molded into our space. I'm uncomfortable with being home, away from the surroundings of Corvallis, away from Don. He was such a sweetheart yesterday, helping me clean and move all of my stuff. We agreed to keep "casually dating" but without seeing other people. That was the best decision in our situation but it will be a long three months until my return. I must work and play very much so as to keep from being down.

Now I must create my yearly "Summer To-Do" list full of adventures. Ideas are welcome! So far:
- Running, Tennis, Yoga, exercises with the fit ball
- Paint, scrapbook, random crafting
- Hike, bike, float the river
- Trips up to Portland and Corvallis
- Volunteer, donate clothes
- Try new recipes and expand recipe library, BBQ
- Pick fruit and veggies
- Continue speaking French with Whitney over the phone
- Maybe fall in love :)

This list makes my life sound kind of pathetic. haha

Our apartment is no longer ours. Sierra just took off and I am left with an empty apartment of boxes and a few scattered pieces of furniture. Moving out and goodbyes are always so sad. I don't really know what to do, its so lonely. Hopefully I will see Don tonight before he comes over tomorrow to help me move. Meaning, he will be meeting my parents...Aaaand this is the point where I freak out!

I want to be with him but I wonder if our connection is strong enough to last the summer. We should have spent more time together in the past three months to strengthen our bond. Maybe I am underestimating our power but it will simply be if we want it to and if we try. This is not just a "spring fling".

Edit // Right after Don agreed to hanging out tonight, he said he have to cancel because he didn't get much sleep last night and was tired from moving and work, but will "be here early to help me move!". He knows it is my last night here! I had to ask to spend the night because I didn't want to stay in my lonely apartment. I think I'm in the process of being thrown to the curb and it really hurts.

What is so wrong with me that I am never good enough for anyone? What is so wrong with me that no guy ever truly wants to be with me? Is is really too much to ask for care and love in return?

PS: Subway napkins don't make good tissues.

My specialty: making a fool of myself and screwing things up at the same time.

It seems as if Don is avoiding the subject of being exclusive. I'm so scared that if I bring it up, he'll say he doesn't want to be with me. This is the first time in my life that I've been completely sure about wanting someone. I don't want this to be another "Ryan" ordeal where I give him an ultimatum, it shouldn't be like that. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is the one who should be doing something.

...Things will work out the way they are supposed to. Until then, my stomach will be in knots and my stress level will be ever-rising, as I am lost in a world of dreams.

Inspired by Ryan's many posts about budgeting, I've decided to cut unnecessary spending and decrease the amount of "necessities". Inspiration also comes from my checking account with $1.02. Great job!

This school year is coming to a close in the next two weeks and I am freaking the fuck out. What am I going to do without Don?! Even thinking about leaving makes me emotional. God, I am such a wimp. We still haven't established what we are even though it has been almost 3 months. It makes it especially hard because we are so busy with finals that there is not much free time to spend together. I can't deal with this right now. :(

I get annoyed when awoken from a nap. Especially when then the noise continues, making it virtually impossible to fall back asleep.

Je veux ensemble avec lui.

It is official, one of my works was selected to be showcased at the main building on campus. I'm practically famous now. Ha. :)

We finally found a townhouse for next year, it is perfect--spacious, affordable and relatively new.

As with Don, when I talk about him an unconscious smile appears on my face that won't go away even if I try. I don't want to go back home for the summer...this month and part of next needs to last as long as possible. But the days are quickly slipping away through our fingers.

I can't stop eating the chocolate almond bark my mom and I made over the weekend. I have no self control at the moment.

The sun lifts your spirits, it even makes you feel prettier (I feel pretty, so pretty, and briiiight!).

I can't sleep due to the excitement and inspiration of finally figuring out what I want to do for my final project in my first introductory design course. If only there was such thing as a 24-hour craft store. The feeling of being inspired unleashes my happiness and relieves all stress. I feel free and unrestrained. "In-the-artistic-mode" is something that you cannot describe, only feel...just like many other things in life. I also think my artwork has made it into a gallery on one of the main buildings on campus...

Whitney says I have it bad for Don, and I have to admit that she is right. Or at least I am half-way there. :)

PS: When is "The Walk" being released in the US?

The trash can was overflowing this afternoon, which is a common occurrence in our home despite all efforts to recycle. I lifted the bag and wearily tied it, gagging at the scent of rotting garbage and the discovery of liquid mold at the bottom. I washed it out and left it on the porch to dry in the heat of the day. Retrieving it tonight, I gazed at the stars for a few seconds as cars drove by on the busy street. Star gazing while all other civilization is in a bustle is somewhat lonely. It made me feel disconnected to the world and all other beings. Shutting myself back into the great indoors, I came upon this thought:

Doesn't it seem pointless to have a lock on a screen door? I believe they are there merely to give people a false sense of security.

I actually went to the gym this afternoon. It has been many-a-weeks since a good work out has happened, especially since last term it was my second home. My poor muscles are out of shape (while typing this as I'm eating a cookie heh...).

My mom asked me yesterday when she came to to visit if I would like to go to Europe this summer. Oh YESSS! Je parlerai Français quand nous serons en France! Ouuuiiii. She also surprised me with a 3-stemmed bamboo plant symbolizing happiness, which I have a lot of lately. My life feels so much better with Don. People shouldn't make your break your happiness, but they do. I want to be around him all the time, touch him and hold him. To be in his arms as we laugh about something stupid. Slowly it is happening.

EDIT // "Quotes" was added to the content.

Stress mania this week! Too much of midterms, reading, assignments, and finding a place to live next year. The stress of all of this and more has manifested itself on my face as a large, painful zit.

With Don, things are going well but our status is still up in the air. I'm taking it lightly, in hopes that one day it will be a mutual understanding that we are together. For some reason that scares me because visions of what happened with Ryan flash through my head.

So much to do and so little time. Less school and more free-time...that only happens in dreams.