It just so happens that I picked out the juiciest, ripest, most delicious pineapple EVER on the face of the earth. Slicing this succulent tropical fruit of the gods (if its not a fruit of the gods, then shame on them), my mouth waters in anticipation. I let out a loud orgasmic "MMMmmm!!" as the sugary goodness melts in my mouth. With each proceeding bite, a delightful feeling overwhelms my body as more "mmmmm"s unconsciously escape. I do a little thispineappleisdeliciousi'msofuckinghappy dance and decide at that very moment that pineapple is one of the most amazing fruits ever.

A bout of loneliness has swept over me this past week. I haven't felt alone like this in a while. So many people depend on me, I'm tired and worn of helping and listening to others babble on about their problems or good fortune. It seems like everyone is too caught up in their own issues to ask how I am. I have all this love that I want to share with someone but no one to share it with. I'm giving and giving but not receiving. So in turn this love, this undirected love, turns into an extreme amount of loneliness. Maybe I should put some of it towards myself.

I don't even know what it takes to make me content anymore. I'm not unhappy with myself, just unhappy with things around me. My life isn't really progressing, only school, sleep and eat. Nothing to make it better or amazing. I should be happy with my surroundings but it seems so blah that I can't make an effort to genuinely laugh. It's like I'm floating through the days, not fully digesting the beauty of life. The absence of people has also exacerbated the situation. An out-of-the-way apartment is such a contrast to the busy dorms of last year. I like alone time but not for all the time. My life has become so predictable and boring. That's it, I am bored with everything.

Now I feel a slight relief knowing that I am not insanely unhappy. Just bored.

Edit // I feel *much* better now that Marie and I had our little "dinner date". I have hope in life, partly because I pretty much rock at cooking lol. Making new recipes is super fun. At this very second I've decided to make one new recipe per week.

This morning Willamette Valley Oregonians were awoken to freezing rain. Like the idiot I usually am, I drove to school at 7:30 AM without checking the school closures, sliding on the ice the way there. I don't know how I survived, I must have good karma today. Aimlessly walking around campus, a tall sandy-blonde 20-something college guy approaches me with a smile telling me school is closed until 11. We have "icey" small talk then go our separate ways, he back home and I to the warmth of the café. Like stated earlier, my idiocy didn't realize until a few minutes later the the dangerous conditions were just an excuse to talk to me. He saw this beautiful girl that he wanted to talk to and alas, there was something to talk about. Now I sit here wondering what would've happened if I told him my name.

I got into a car accident the other night. Someone rear-ended the person behind me, so they smashed into me. Looking in my rear-view, there was nothing I could do except keep my foot on the break and scream. Luckily there was only minimal damage, as the bumper has to be replaced. But I'm angry because my car is hot and theirs were definitely not.

Edit ; NEW layout feat. Katherine Heigl. I remember seeing her in Disney's Wish Upon A Star many years ago and I wanted to be her. Your feedback would be great, seeing as this is one of the first layout's I've made in months.

How I saved a life or two
By Ashley, Unpredictable Blogs

It began this evening as my roommate Sierra and I pondered what to eat for dinner. "Want stir fry?" Sierra exclaimed. "YEAAAS," I responded, in the mood for a greasy, Americanized Asian entrée properly juxtaposed with brown rice. We went about chopping veggies, chicken and heating up the wok--the works. The oil was poured into the wok and seconds later the chicken followed.

Suddenly, a loud "WOOOSH!" sounded and large flames erupted from the wok. We stood brain-dead, staring at the blazing fire in our kitchen. Only a slight moment passed before we began to scream. Sierra reached for water as I gasped, "NOOO!! We need baking soda!!!!" I scrambled to find baking soda in the cupboards. Pancake batter...no, cake mix...no, some unopened box of powdery stuff...we don't have time!!, my head screamed as I envisioned the whole apartment going up in flames. I reached for the other cabinet, seeing only sugar, as smoke filled the air. FINALLY, flour! I take oversized handfuls and throw them at the blazing wok of chicken. The fire dissipated immediately. Smoke filled the room. We opened the windows as the shrill fire alarm rang in our ears. I continued to throw flour on the cindered chicken (somehow realzing, in the midst of this crisis, how enjoyable the feeling of soft flour is when it surrounds one's hands), so it wouldn't erupt again (you never know).

Adrenaline rushed through in my veins as my body realized the near-death experience that just took place in our quaint apartment kitchen. I did not even think about my actions, I just did. My body's primal instincts took over; my normal thought did not catch up until much later when my hands began to shake out of fear.

Since the "Ryan thing" is over, I miss the feelings associated with liking and being with someone. And I do miss him. I still want him to be apart of my life but only in a friend way. That doesn't seem to be what he had in mind though. I think about him everyday without even meaning to. It's like his in my subconscious...creepy. I'm not going to let myself fall into a lonely depression because I don't have attention from a man. That would be pathetic. Its just that I have a strong desire to show someone my world. (Not in that way, you dirty whore.) What's worse is that I feel like I've lost my touch, my mojo.

Has anyone sold something, particularly textbooks, on Amazon.com? If so, please let me know how it was/if its worth doing.

More blogging later when I don't have to wake up at 6am for an 8 o'clock, two hour business law class.

Turning on the TV to Comedy Central, awaiting for an hour of Scrubs, I catch an interview with Deepak Chopra on the Colbert Report. Tempted to change it, as I do not like the Colbert Report, Deepak's insightful words touched a part of me that is not touched everday. It was a sign of some sort. Looking at his books fills me with some emotion that I cannot even describe. I can't wait to once again, enrich my life by ready books of non-Western thought and spirituality.

Books on the power of nature will also be in my future. A trip to the used books store is needed!

Sometime, I would love to learn how to fly a plane. And paraglide too. The thought of wind against my face as I glide over the beauty of the Earth is simply enchanting.

I also had a revelation of sorts, I'm thinking of majoring in Dietetics with a double minor in French and Business Administration. It's a lot of fucking Bio and Chem and that is the only thing holding me back. Those are my weakest areas of study. I'll probably end up being in college for like 7 years haha. Dietetics seems like the right thing to do with my love of food and desire to help people, and its something I've always thought about doing. Once school starts in a few weeks, an advisor appointment is in order.

New Year's was kind of fun. Drama, drinking...lots of drinking (we got into a bar, well a restaurant bar), socializing, taking pictures of me and Katie with some random camera in the bathroom, and all that good stuff.

Happy New Year every one. :) I wish you all the best for 2007!
Ryan's gone psycho one me. Eeks.
Work is great (despite the clothes-folding). The people love me and I love them. I am so thankful for their generosity. I need to become more giving.
I like coffe but it makes me jittery/twitchy and slightly crazy.
Its always scary driving around New Year's Eve with all the drunk drivers. Stupidity.
I can't find the right bra with wear with my shirt tonight.
I'm wearing bright pink socks, its amazing.
Life is great.

For years, I've wanted to do something to help people and affect their lives. I wish I had millions of dollars to give to charity. I wish I had a stronger stomach to be a nurse, even a doctor. I wish I was good with large groups of kids to be a teacher. I've always felt like nuturing and comforting people. Then I realized last night that I could do that on a smaller scale by being a mom. I need to start volunteering again, too. Maybe there is some profession out that where I could provide nuturance to many. Any ideas?

Logan didn't fit my car, so I changed it's name to Luke. Its much more fitting, seeing as it is a sexy dark blue Mustang (2002). Must post pictures of it sometime. I haven't had any galmour shots with it yet.

My Grandma might be dying, she fell the other night and isn't doing well. She's 94 so I kind of thought she would live forever, you know? My mom is going up to see her tomorrow. I want to as well but fucking work has me scheduled all day...work isn't important, I want to see her. I feel guilty because I haven't seen her since August or so. We are only two hours apart so its not that hard to make the time. Why do we have so many regrets when people die or are on the verge of dying? Ryan needs to hold me and tell me its going to be okay.

I'm waiting for something or someone to change my life.

I feel so predictable lately. I'm stuck in a rut, doing the same things, eating the same things, thinking about the same things. I want to be more spontaneous and change things up a little bit. People get so comfortable and stuck in their ways and before they even realize it, its too late to change...I don't want to get this deep.

I saw Ryan last night. I told him the short version of why things weren't working and why I was frustrated. He is one of the most stubborn, unable to communicate people I've ever met. He said something about emotions and attachment and how it doesn't other him--if I wanted "to just be friends and fool around" that would be completely fine by him. Yeah the sex is great but no, HELL no! I told him I don't do that, it just ends up hurting me. "But what do you do when you get horny?" Fucking A. He and I have always been about sexual attraction and always will be. Why do I constantly try to make something more of it? I keep hoping that we'll connect on a higher level, although that will never happen. He's not serious and I am. I shouldn't have given him a second chance. I should've left the break up the way it was. I need to let go.

I can't come back home this summer. It would save money but I can't be in this household with my father's yelling and his negative energy. It punctures my soul to be around a person who doesn't love life. Being back for break reminds me of the verbal and emotional abuse that I left when I went away to college. He doesn't understand what's important in life. To him, life is business and business is life. No; people, friendships, relationships, love, nature, becoming a true and good human being, etc. are the most important things in life. My life is going to be beautiful, not bitter like so many other's in this world. And you know what? My life is already beautiful.

Ryan and I might be getting back together?! More on this later...

Commenters: <3 for Alex and Stephanie

EDIT // My horoscope said today "If something breaks down, this could be a sign that it needs to be eliminated from your life as you clean up your act and get ready for what's next." Maybe this is a sign for what's coming in a few days when me and Ryan "talk".

At work last night, Ryan didn't talk to me at first but then started semi-flirting. What the crap? I'm not sad anymore...just horny (all I can think about is good makeup sex) and disappointed at his low maturity level.

The lights keep dimming in my room. I can't tell if its really the lights or my eyes. Maybe I'm going crazy. Oh heck, that's already affirmative! I keep tossing and turning so much during the night, that my sheets are on the floor every morning and I wake up wrapped in the comforter.

I want someone to hold me and hug me--a big strong man. That's why I liked Ryan's body. He was so muscular and manly feeling. Aesthetically he was a man but mentally he was a child.

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. They came out kind of small, like bite-sized except a little bigger. It makes me feel like I can eat more of them because of their petit size.

EDIT // I think it would be fun to have a pig, they are just sooo freaking cute that it's hard to handle. It would also be fun to meet Will Smith. My phone is lonely now that it doesn't receive texts from that guy anymore. At least I'll save money on the phone bill...that is a good way to look at it.

Ryan and I broke up last night. I was hoping that since we hadn't seen eachother in so long the chemistry would appear again. No luck. Nothing was there. As the night went on it felt wrong and forced to be affectionate with him. On the way back from the movie theater all I could think about was how wrong we were for eachother and how badly this wasn't working. I wanted to break up before I left but I couldn't do it. Instead I gave him and measly hug and a peck on the lips as I tried so hard to drive away without crying.

Later he texted me something like, "Why won't you get close to me? You're the most unaffectionate girl I've ever met." I told him the connection was gone and I don't feel the same way about him anymore. He agreed and said we should "just stop". I called him a few times after that but he wouldn't pick up his phone, instead resorting to texts (like fucking always) telling me he just wanted me to be happy and that I probably already have other guys in mind that aren't like him. No no no.

I cried. I cried silently for a long time. I didn't want it to end this way. All I want to do is talk to him. Damn him and his stubborn ass.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Not anger, maybe sadness mixed with the emotion of losing a friend (I hope to God we can still be friends because I can't imagine life without him. I think that is all we were destined to be).

EDIT // I feel so alone and lost, a deep melancholy has struck me. My first fucking boyfriend and nice guy and I can only keep him for two months.

EDIT #2 // Big, plastic nativity scenes that people prop up in their front lawns for the holidays are not only tacky but kind of creepy. There's something about poorly-painted plastic holy people that just isn't right.

Winter break, so lovely. Friends, sleep, food, Christmas lights (my favorite part of xmas. oh, and the smell too), holiday joys...then there is work and all those joys that come with working retail. People make too much of buying gifts. I would rather have a homemade card with a letter written from the heart than a random gift found at the mall. Maybe something small and very thoughtful to go with it, a gift specially catered to me. Too many presents are impersonal these days.

I received my first college 4.0 this term. I should've had it a couple of times last year but some teachers thought differently. Also, I bought a new blow drier the other day. I really like how it dries my hair but its SO loud. It sounds like I'm firing up a jet engine each time I use it.

I've been thinking--if I were an animal, I'd definitely be a wolf. They are amazing and beautiful creatures.

I ate a worm last night. It came from the boxed brownies we made, cooked worm as a weird texture. I thought I was going to barf so I washed it down the sink but two seconds later I realized I could've kept it for evidence and sued for thousands! Dang.

Ryan and I almost broke up this weekend. I got angry at his lack of effort, attention and seriousness. Amongst many things, I told him he is my number one. He said I shouldn't do that because he is his number one. At that point I felt the words forming in my head but I coudln't get them out of my mouth. Somehow he talked me out of it but its still unresolved (for me at least). When winter break starts, I want to take time apart so he can have time for himself, moving and starting his now job/career. I can't deal with a selfish person right now. I deserve more care and attention than that--which I don't think is too much to ask because I give the same in return.

I've had a re-occuring dream that I'm swimming in a pond that turns into a nasty swamp with scary water creatures and a slimy bottom. Once I get past that, the water is clear and scenery is beautiful. But the other night I had the same dream and the passage to the beauty was blocked off by a metal gate. What could this mean?

Mint Oreos are DELICIOUS.

I feel conflicted. Its always so up and down with Ryan. When we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I get all these strong feelings and I feel like I can't live without him. But this weekend when we spent time together, those feelings disappeared and I was left with annoyance and doubt, wondering why in the hell we were together. The attraction and special bond was gone. I feel like the distance and sex is the only thing keeping us together.

Speaking of sex, did you know that 80% of women don't/can't orgasm during sex? Those poor women, how the fuck do they survive?! Because it really is one of the best things in life.

Its hard to be away from Katie. Ever since 9th grade we've been close and saw eachother almost everday. Now that I'm not in Eugene anymore we don't talk as much and I really miss her. Although, when we do talk it is forver and it feels so good. I feel like a whole person again. Isn't it weird how (best) friendships can affect a person so much?

EDIT // The guitar Sarah gave me for free is fucking vintage; from the 60s/70s. Freaking sweet. I think it needs some new strings....and some lovin.

I've decided that sometime next year I will do a study abroad to France in the intensive language program. Then the following year, my senior year, I will go to Sweden as apart of the business degree (major=business, minor=French). I've picked Sweden to visit my roots, plus there has been so many good reviews about it.

Also, I would like to have a cafe (Cafe Dior..omfg, I love it). I might do a two-year interior design program at an art school if I feel restless and the longing need for creativity.

Ryan is wonderful. We talk more consistently and he's doing the calling too (finally). Since I am back in town, I want to spend all of my time with him but that is utterly impossible because my parents don't know about him. I need to bring it up in stages instead of dropping the bomb that I am dating someone 6 years older. I've always thought of myself as sexually open, which I am...with others. But when it comes to Ryan I am shy and unimaginativeve. I don't know why. Maybe because I am intimidated by his experience and forwardness. Any good tips? desperately need to work on my dirty talk.

I'm so ready to eat a lot tomorrow.

<3 for Stephanie and Alex, it feels so good to have you guys comment on here again!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. Probably due to the fact that when we did become official, nothing changed. Being 30-some miles away doesn't allow the relationship to progress and grow. It's hard to have something real over the phone and when we see eachother once a week, if that. We're never NOT going to be long distance. It's always been difficult with us and it will always be difficult. I hope this improves because I can't deal with it. Sometimes I want to shake him and be like, "God Damnit Ryan, put in a little effort!!"

I really need some new socks for Christmas. All of mine are holy and dirty. Gross.

HOLY CRAP. Unpredictable is back up and running. After how many months?! Too many!! Your comments are overly welcome. :)

A longer, more insightful blog later.

I found my soccer shorts from middle school. They are actually quite comfortable despite the elastic being too tight. I've been trying to strech it out without any luck.

I also found some of my old pop CDs. Like Will Smith's "Big Willie Style" and "Willennium", Ricky Martin, and Backstreet Boys. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm enjoying listening to Will Smith.

No one in the Oregon job market wants my services. Le sigh. Unemployment is just wonderful. Although, this does give me more time to work on my abs and butt and important things like that haha.

I miss people commenting, you dunces!