This morning Willamette Valley Oregonians were awoken to freezing rain. Like the idiot I usually am, I drove to school at 7:30 AM without checking the school closures, sliding on the ice the way there. I don't know how I survived, I must have good karma today. Aimlessly walking around campus, a tall sandy-blonde 20-something college guy approaches me with a smile telling me school is closed until 11. We have "icey" small talk then go our separate ways, he back home and I to the warmth of the café. Like stated earlier, my idiocy didn't realize until a few minutes later the the dangerous conditions were just an excuse to talk to me. He saw this beautiful girl that he wanted to talk to and alas, there was something to talk about. Now I sit here wondering what would've happened if I told him my name.

I got into a car accident the other night. Someone rear-ended the person behind me, so they smashed into me. Looking in my rear-view, there was nothing I could do except keep my foot on the break and scream. Luckily there was only minimal damage, as the bumper has to be replaced. But I'm angry because my car is hot and theirs were definitely not.

Edit ; NEW layout feat. Katherine Heigl. I remember seeing her in Disney's Wish Upon A Star many years ago and I wanted to be her. Your feedback would be great, seeing as this is one of the first layout's I've made in months.

How I saved a life or two
By Ashley, Unpredictable Blogs

It began this evening as my roommate Sierra and I pondered what to eat for dinner. "Want stir fry?" Sierra exclaimed. "YEAAAS," I responded, in the mood for a greasy, Americanized Asian entrée properly juxtaposed with brown rice. We went about chopping veggies, chicken and heating up the wok--the works. The oil was poured into the wok and seconds later the chicken followed.

Suddenly, a loud "WOOOSH!" sounded and large flames erupted from the wok. We stood brain-dead, staring at the blazing fire in our kitchen. Only a slight moment passed before we began to scream. Sierra reached for water as I gasped, "NOOO!! We need baking soda!!!!" I scrambled to find baking soda in the cupboards. Pancake batter...no, cake mix...no, some unopened box of powdery stuff...we don't have time!!, my head screamed as I envisioned the whole apartment going up in flames. I reached for the other cabinet, seeing only sugar, as smoke filled the air. FINALLY, flour! I take oversized handfuls and throw them at the blazing wok of chicken. The fire dissipated immediately. Smoke filled the room. We opened the windows as the shrill fire alarm rang in our ears. I continued to throw flour on the cindered chicken (somehow realzing, in the midst of this crisis, how enjoyable the feeling of soft flour is when it surrounds one's hands), so it wouldn't erupt again (you never know).

Adrenaline rushed through in my veins as my body realized the near-death experience that just took place in our quaint apartment kitchen. I did not even think about my actions, I just did. My body's primal instincts took over; my normal thought did not catch up until much later when my hands began to shake out of fear.

Since the "Ryan thing" is over, I miss the feelings associated with liking and being with someone. And I do miss him. I still want him to be apart of my life but only in a friend way. That doesn't seem to be what he had in mind though. I think about him everyday without even meaning to. It's like his in my subconscious...creepy. I'm not going to let myself fall into a lonely depression because I don't have attention from a man. That would be pathetic. Its just that I have a strong desire to show someone my world. (Not in that way, you dirty whore.) What's worse is that I feel like I've lost my touch, my mojo.

Has anyone sold something, particularly textbooks, on Amazon.com? If so, please let me know how it was/if its worth doing.

More blogging later when I don't have to wake up at 6am for an 8 o'clock, two hour business law class.

Turning on the TV to Comedy Central, awaiting for an hour of Scrubs, I catch an interview with Deepak Chopra on the Colbert Report. Tempted to change it, as I do not like the Colbert Report, Deepak's insightful words touched a part of me that is not touched everday. It was a sign of some sort. Looking at his books fills me with some emotion that I cannot even describe. I can't wait to once again, enrich my life by ready books of non-Western thought and spirituality.

Books on the power of nature will also be in my future. A trip to the used books store is needed!

Sometime, I would love to learn how to fly a plane. And paraglide too. The thought of wind against my face as I glide over the beauty of the Earth is simply enchanting.

I also had a revelation of sorts, I'm thinking of majoring in Dietetics with a double minor in French and Business Administration. It's a lot of fucking Bio and Chem and that is the only thing holding me back. Those are my weakest areas of study. I'll probably end up being in college for like 7 years haha. Dietetics seems like the right thing to do with my love of food and desire to help people, and its something I've always thought about doing. Once school starts in a few weeks, an advisor appointment is in order.

New Year's was kind of fun. Drama, drinking...lots of drinking (we got into a bar, well a restaurant bar), socializing, taking pictures of me and Katie with some random camera in the bathroom, and all that good stuff.

Happy New Year every one. :) I wish you all the best for 2007!
Ryan's gone psycho one me. Eeks.
Work is great (despite the clothes-folding). The people love me and I love them. I am so thankful for their generosity. I need to become more giving.
I like coffe but it makes me jittery/twitchy and slightly crazy.
Its always scary driving around New Year's Eve with all the drunk drivers. Stupidity.
I can't find the right bra with wear with my shirt tonight.
I'm wearing bright pink socks, its amazing.
Life is great.

For years, I've wanted to do something to help people and affect their lives. I wish I had millions of dollars to give to charity. I wish I had a stronger stomach to be a nurse, even a doctor. I wish I was good with large groups of kids to be a teacher. I've always felt like nuturing and comforting people. Then I realized last night that I could do that on a smaller scale by being a mom. I need to start volunteering again, too. Maybe there is some profession out that where I could provide nuturance to many. Any ideas?

Logan didn't fit my car, so I changed it's name to Luke. Its much more fitting, seeing as it is a sexy dark blue Mustang (2002). Must post pictures of it sometime. I haven't had any galmour shots with it yet.

My Grandma might be dying, she fell the other night and isn't doing well. She's 94 so I kind of thought she would live forever, you know? My mom is going up to see her tomorrow. I want to as well but fucking work has me scheduled all day...work isn't important, I want to see her. I feel guilty because I haven't seen her since August or so. We are only two hours apart so its not that hard to make the time. Why do we have so many regrets when people die or are on the verge of dying? Ryan needs to hold me and tell me its going to be okay.

I'm waiting for something or someone to change my life.

I feel so predictable lately. I'm stuck in a rut, doing the same things, eating the same things, thinking about the same things. I want to be more spontaneous and change things up a little bit. People get so comfortable and stuck in their ways and before they even realize it, its too late to change...I don't want to get this deep.

I saw Ryan last night. I told him the short version of why things weren't working and why I was frustrated. He is one of the most stubborn, unable to communicate people I've ever met. He said something about emotions and attachment and how it doesn't other him--if I wanted "to just be friends and fool around" that would be completely fine by him. Yeah the sex is great but no, HELL no! I told him I don't do that, it just ends up hurting me. "But what do you do when you get horny?" Fucking A. He and I have always been about sexual attraction and always will be. Why do I constantly try to make something more of it? I keep hoping that we'll connect on a higher level, although that will never happen. He's not serious and I am. I shouldn't have given him a second chance. I should've left the break up the way it was. I need to let go.

I can't come back home this summer. It would save money but I can't be in this household with my father's yelling and his negative energy. It punctures my soul to be around a person who doesn't love life. Being back for break reminds me of the verbal and emotional abuse that I left when I went away to college. He doesn't understand what's important in life. To him, life is business and business is life. No; people, friendships, relationships, love, nature, becoming a true and good human being, etc. are the most important things in life. My life is going to be beautiful, not bitter like so many other's in this world. And you know what? My life is already beautiful.

Ryan and I might be getting back together?! More on this later...

Commenters: <3 for Alex and Stephanie

EDIT // My horoscope said today "If something breaks down, this could be a sign that it needs to be eliminated from your life as you clean up your act and get ready for what's next." Maybe this is a sign for what's coming in a few days when me and Ryan "talk".

At work last night, Ryan didn't talk to me at first but then started semi-flirting. What the crap? I'm not sad anymore...just horny (all I can think about is good makeup sex) and disappointed at his low maturity level.

The lights keep dimming in my room. I can't tell if its really the lights or my eyes. Maybe I'm going crazy. Oh heck, that's already affirmative! I keep tossing and turning so much during the night, that my sheets are on the floor every morning and I wake up wrapped in the comforter.

I want someone to hold me and hug me--a big strong man. That's why I liked Ryan's body. He was so muscular and manly feeling. Aesthetically he was a man but mentally he was a child.

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. They came out kind of small, like bite-sized except a little bigger. It makes me feel like I can eat more of them because of their petit size.

EDIT // I think it would be fun to have a pig, they are just sooo freaking cute that it's hard to handle. It would also be fun to meet Will Smith. My phone is lonely now that it doesn't receive texts from that guy anymore. At least I'll save money on the phone bill...that is a good way to look at it.

Ryan and I broke up last night. I was hoping that since we hadn't seen eachother in so long the chemistry would appear again. No luck. Nothing was there. As the night went on it felt wrong and forced to be affectionate with him. On the way back from the movie theater all I could think about was how wrong we were for eachother and how badly this wasn't working. I wanted to break up before I left but I couldn't do it. Instead I gave him and measly hug and a peck on the lips as I tried so hard to drive away without crying.

Later he texted me something like, "Why won't you get close to me? You're the most unaffectionate girl I've ever met." I told him the connection was gone and I don't feel the same way about him anymore. He agreed and said we should "just stop". I called him a few times after that but he wouldn't pick up his phone, instead resorting to texts (like fucking always) telling me he just wanted me to be happy and that I probably already have other guys in mind that aren't like him. No no no.

I cried. I cried silently for a long time. I didn't want it to end this way. All I want to do is talk to him. Damn him and his stubborn ass.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Not anger, maybe sadness mixed with the emotion of losing a friend (I hope to God we can still be friends because I can't imagine life without him. I think that is all we were destined to be).

EDIT // I feel so alone and lost, a deep melancholy has struck me. My first fucking boyfriend and nice guy and I can only keep him for two months.

EDIT #2 // Big, plastic nativity scenes that people prop up in their front lawns for the holidays are not only tacky but kind of creepy. There's something about poorly-painted plastic holy people that just isn't right.

Winter break, so lovely. Friends, sleep, food, Christmas lights (my favorite part of xmas. oh, and the smell too), holiday joys...then there is work and all those joys that come with working retail. People make too much of buying gifts. I would rather have a homemade card with a letter written from the heart than a random gift found at the mall. Maybe something small and very thoughtful to go with it, a gift specially catered to me. Too many presents are impersonal these days.

I received my first college 4.0 this term. I should've had it a couple of times last year but some teachers thought differently. Also, I bought a new blow drier the other day. I really like how it dries my hair but its SO loud. It sounds like I'm firing up a jet engine each time I use it.

I've been thinking--if I were an animal, I'd definitely be a wolf. They are amazing and beautiful creatures.

I ate a worm last night. It came from the boxed brownies we made, cooked worm as a weird texture. I thought I was going to barf so I washed it down the sink but two seconds later I realized I could've kept it for evidence and sued for thousands! Dang.

Ryan and I almost broke up this weekend. I got angry at his lack of effort, attention and seriousness. Amongst many things, I told him he is my number one. He said I shouldn't do that because he is his number one. At that point I felt the words forming in my head but I coudln't get them out of my mouth. Somehow he talked me out of it but its still unresolved (for me at least). When winter break starts, I want to take time apart so he can have time for himself, moving and starting his now job/career. I can't deal with a selfish person right now. I deserve more care and attention than that--which I don't think is too much to ask because I give the same in return.

I've had a re-occuring dream that I'm swimming in a pond that turns into a nasty swamp with scary water creatures and a slimy bottom. Once I get past that, the water is clear and scenery is beautiful. But the other night I had the same dream and the passage to the beauty was blocked off by a metal gate. What could this mean?

Mint Oreos are DELICIOUS.

I feel conflicted. Its always so up and down with Ryan. When we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I get all these strong feelings and I feel like I can't live without him. But this weekend when we spent time together, those feelings disappeared and I was left with annoyance and doubt, wondering why in the hell we were together. The attraction and special bond was gone. I feel like the distance and sex is the only thing keeping us together.

Speaking of sex, did you know that 80% of women don't/can't orgasm during sex? Those poor women, how the fuck do they survive?! Because it really is one of the best things in life.

Its hard to be away from Katie. Ever since 9th grade we've been close and saw eachother almost everday. Now that I'm not in Eugene anymore we don't talk as much and I really miss her. Although, when we do talk it is forver and it feels so good. I feel like a whole person again. Isn't it weird how (best) friendships can affect a person so much?

EDIT // The guitar Sarah gave me for free is fucking vintage; from the 60s/70s. Freaking sweet. I think it needs some new strings....and some lovin.

I've decided that sometime next year I will do a study abroad to France in the intensive language program. Then the following year, my senior year, I will go to Sweden as apart of the business degree (major=business, minor=French). I've picked Sweden to visit my roots, plus there has been so many good reviews about it.

Also, I would like to have a cafe (Cafe Dior..omfg, I love it). I might do a two-year interior design program at an art school if I feel restless and the longing need for creativity.

Ryan is wonderful. We talk more consistently and he's doing the calling too (finally). Since I am back in town, I want to spend all of my time with him but that is utterly impossible because my parents don't know about him. I need to bring it up in stages instead of dropping the bomb that I am dating someone 6 years older. I've always thought of myself as sexually open, which I am...with others. But when it comes to Ryan I am shy and unimaginativeve. I don't know why. Maybe because I am intimidated by his experience and forwardness. Any good tips? desperately need to work on my dirty talk.

I'm so ready to eat a lot tomorrow.

<3 for Stephanie and Alex, it feels so good to have you guys comment on here again!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. Probably due to the fact that when we did become official, nothing changed. Being 30-some miles away doesn't allow the relationship to progress and grow. It's hard to have something real over the phone and when we see eachother once a week, if that. We're never NOT going to be long distance. It's always been difficult with us and it will always be difficult. I hope this improves because I can't deal with it. Sometimes I want to shake him and be like, "God Damnit Ryan, put in a little effort!!"

I really need some new socks for Christmas. All of mine are holy and dirty. Gross.

HOLY CRAP. Unpredictable is back up and running. After how many months?! Too many!! Your comments are overly welcome. :)

A longer, more insightful blog later.

I found my soccer shorts from middle school. They are actually quite comfortable despite the elastic being too tight. I've been trying to strech it out without any luck.

I also found some of my old pop CDs. Like Will Smith's "Big Willie Style" and "Willennium", Ricky Martin, and Backstreet Boys. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm enjoying listening to Will Smith.

No one in the Oregon job market wants my services. Le sigh. Unemployment is just wonderful. Although, this does give me more time to work on my abs and butt and important things like that haha.

I miss people commenting, you dunces!

People often underestimate me. Its because they don't take the time to get to know the real me, so they don't expect a lot and/or certain things. They are surprised when I do something great or out of the ordinary for what they think I am capable of. They say, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't think you could do that." Its like, WTF? You don't know me so shut your face!

I've also come to the realization that I do poorly in interview situations. I get way too nervous and flub up. Employers can't look past that, so they disreguard me, not knowing they are passing up a good worker. This also relates to the above paragraph.

I hope you are still celebrating the Beaver's National Championship, as I proudly am.

This has been one of the first late night bloggings in a while. Ah it feels nice. :)

HI. OREGON STATE BEAVERS ARE THE NATIONAL BASEBALL CHAMPIONS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Our boys deserve it, they have been nothing but incredible all year. Coming from the loosers bracket then to come back and take the Nation Title is just crazy. It has been a pleasure seeing them practice at the beginning of this year out of my dorm window, to the games at Goss, to finally watching them win the world series. (And props to Mitch Canham for being incredibly good looking...just had to throw that one in there).

All should celebrate this amazing event in college baseball history. :)

Yay!

WTF? Zac Hanson got married!

Her dress is cute.

New layout. Its about stinking time, huh?

School is over. The first chapter of college life is done. Shit dawg (um?), I'm going the miss the dorms and (most) of the people. I made a hella lot of mistakes (I don't even want to begin to explain) but grew from them. I know who I am now more than ever. I'm finally completely happy with myself. I love life. Things changed, in a good way. :) I can't wait for next year in our cozy apartment, playing soccer and joining clubs. Next year is the year for me.

Over the past few years I've noticed my instinct is hella good. I think I might have been a psychic in my past life.

Don't lead me on, play me with, don't treat me as a flavor of the month (night?), don't disrespect me. I am better than that. Many men treat women like toys, using them at their own disposal when they want a little excitement. I am not one to treat as a toy. You don't know what you are missing by using me and not keeping me.

.......

The pictures are being stripped down, the rug is being rolled up and the clothes are being packed. Finals are being taken, books are being returned (or not purchased back..damn bookstore) and people are leaving. An empty room full of memories: lust, anger, sadness, happiness, bonding, crying, eating, snacking, napping....

Oh yes, my freshman year. My first dorm. My first roommate. Forever remembered.

More later. :)

Oh geeza, I am such an IDIOT. Why why why?!?! He is alawys my weak spot, everytime...every god damn time.

I was also shafted for the first time in my life (by someone different than above). Maybe I had it coming after all the guys I've rejected. I'm usually the rejecter, not the rejectee. Good thing my emotions weren't it in or else it would've been a great disappointment.

Anyway, finals are coming up. From now til the end of the week my stress is going to be high. I need to keep reminding myself to stay strong and focus on the moment.

I keep biting different parts of my cheek over and over. Blah. I don't know whether I have allergies or some sort of cold, either. Pooh.

What ever happened to Edwin McCain? That guy has fucking talent. He needs to get back on the scene.

What should be the subject of my new layout?

(God I've become so dull, sorry all hahaha.)

I love crafting (..and downloading new music). I've missed doing artsy things this year. I'm seriously considering interior designer as a minor. Although I really want to do French because I need to achieve one of my life goals of becoming fluent in another langage. I have a lot of random life goals. Can you see me being an interior designer? I mean, I used to be obsessed with Trading Spaces, so that gives me automatic skills. Riiight. That is, if you call painting the wall with chickens and assembling unstable furniture skill.

Waiting for someone to call is killer. Maybe I should? Ahh.

TWO MORE WEEKS. And I'll still be a freshman...damn credits and Math 95 that didn't count for shit. I've already accepted the fact that I won't graduate in four years. Anyway.

The latest happenings in my world:

-Found the cutest apartment EVER. So excited its going to be ours in less than 1 week.
-Met the greatest guy ever. Actually quite normal and quite different from the norm. Maybe this will go somewhere?! AND when I wear heels he is still taller than me.
-Sobe claims they are a "healthy refreshment," but high fructose corn syrup is not considered healthy.
-My skin is a little dry for some odd reason. And I've been thristy a lot.
-I'm going to braid my hair in pigtails so it will be wavy.

What happened to all my visitors?

Hi. I got a car. My own car. Like, get-a-new-key-chain my car. Its a 2002 dark blue Mustang. I am happy. :) I need to name it something badass. Help?

Okay that is all!!

There's so much I want to do/accomplish in life. I don't want to focus on just one thing. What is the point in that when I could be an interior designer, make up artist, boutique owner, cafe owner, band manager, photographer, politician, chef, mom, fluent in French and Italian, indie record label CEO, graphic designer, ahh the possibilities are endless. I want to do so much, travel so many places and experience so many things. Why is it that society limits us to such little possibilities?

They shouldn't charge you for traveling the world. They should PAY you. Yeah, yeah, the economy, multi-national companies and are the reason, but still...the enrichment of one's mind and life is more important.

I've gone through such an epiphany this past week. Life changing epiphanys are fun.

Stress is a bitch.

As much as I have umm..experienced this year, I am glad it is coming to a close. I will miss some, remember some, and forget some. I think I need to move on to the next part of my life and get out of the social, crazy atmosphere of the dorms. I'm getting annoyed at the people around here...its time to move on and continue to the next phase of college. I've done the crazy shit everyone should do, now I am focusing on the importance of myself. A great many lessons have been learned.

Just so you know, this the first post coming from the OSU library.

I miss the hippie-ness from Eugene. I miss all the natural people. So many people here are fake, not being real to themselves. God, I am so gonna be an old hippie living in the woods using leaf toilet paper by the time I retire hahaha. I was going to say I would have a long gray beard but then I realized I was a female. My vision is slightly ruined now. Maybe my husband will have one.

I'm being a bitch to everyone lately. A mix of PMS and annoyance puts me in a shitty mood. Plus seeing the same faces and hearing the same voices everday makes me want to barf. I am not one for monotony...most of the time at least.

So I think I'm getting a car for next year. Woot.

I kind of want to get a tattoo. Something small and very hidden. Maybe like on the inside of my toe haha. That would be sweet. Mandy Moore has a star (or was is it a heart?) on hers.

Anyway, I am procrastinating like hell. But who knew? The library really IS a great place to get work done. *knock on wood*

Bob Marley always puts one at ease and in a good mood.

One of the best things you can to is respect yourself. Without that, no one will respect you. Take care of your body, mind and soul. Don't get caught up in things that don't matter. Set your priorities straight. Love yourself and all else will fall into place.

Do I ever have some fucking stories from this year...ahh, great college memories. Well maybe not all of them are that great but they sure are interesting. If only I could go into detial...maybe 4 years from now.

What are some of your amusing college stories?

I've been eating so many oranges lately that the nail I use to peel is turning orange in one spot. haha

I need a job for this summer. Shitty.

How do you know if a guy is 'the one'? Maybe not necessarily for life, but to date. Will you instinctual know it? I am so picky and my standards are so high, that I reject everything that is not perfect in my eyes. I have been bombarded with so many guys recently, what if I have passed up the one? I like being single but then again I want someone to love and I want someone to love me.

I don't want to pass up something beautifully amazing. It is hard to see everything clearly when you are blinded (at least in one eye) by someone else. Its hard to cope when you know that something might be right but its now unattainable.

I think I will just know it....I hope.

Love is a tough subject, so forget it. I've gone through a lot these past two weeks. I had a revelation on Sunday. My drinking was out of control. I was out of control. I had no respect for myself and I just didn't care. My motto was "Just fuck it."? I was already in the hole, so what was another mistake? My drinking started affecting others close to me, then I realized it had become a big problem. When my shit hurt other people it just had to be changed. I'm changing. Drinking not to get drunk as fast a possible, but to get a nice buzz and have fun. No more shows to put on. No more making out with random guys. No more crazy ass shit. I have potential to live up to. I have myself, and that is all I've got.

This made me giggle:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

So my date went well but not exceptional (I wore lip gloss, Alex). We had many things to talk about but I didn't do much of the talking. The beauty of me is that it takes time to get to know me, you just gotta let it flow and be around me. I hope to see him again but it wouldn't break my heart of I didn't.

ahaha I thought of something tonight, "I like my men like I like my pita chips, hard on the outside and soft on the inside."

Maybe going out tonight? I dunno. I gotta lay off on the booze, guys. For real. You don't even know...

Why do I alawys screw up? I wish this whole thing with him would stop happening and be over once and for all. I met a new guy, maybe he will change things. Although he is a fucking hardcore conservative. How in the hell could I endure that?

Shits complicated as fuck and it never goes the way its supposed to.

Goodnight, for now. I feel a little late-night-post arousal.

Plugs: Brittney, Alex

I love crazy nights. I always do stupid shit though. But I have to admit, I was rackin' in the boys last night.

Weekly guy update: I'm confused about a certain person...again :(. And of course, I still like my manly, rugged STUD. God he is a looker.

Recommend some good country songs!! My country playlist is so fucking weak. Actually, recommend good songs in general from any genre. I'm the mood to extend my library!

My Body Sculpting class is INTENSE. I did more lounges and squats in 50 minutes than I've ever done in my life. I convinced myself I was going to die and if not, it would be next class. My body better be fucking sculpted by the end of this term!

This mid-afternoon I discovered that Olay's Body Butter is a wonderful smelling delight in the shower that produces even softer skin. I would recommend this to any woman, or metro man.

Yay I love sun and flowers. :) Wouldn't it be a treat to have fresh flowers in your room everday? Think of how much happier we would be all be.

EDIT // My quads and butt are so sore that I move at the pace of an old woman with muscle problems and have immense troubles getting up and down from chairs.

Holla from Central Oregon. Love the freakin mountains! I'm going to make myself a nice steaming cup of hot mint cocoa provided by the condo, watch an ancient VHS tape, curl up with a good book, then go to bed in hopes of a good night sleep for a snowboarding adventure tomorrow. I'll be at the half-pipe doing 360's and 480's and what not, so I gotta get my rest.

I've been spending a lot lately, including a nice pair of jeans. Opps. That's a really bad weakness of mine, as most of you know. I want a huge closet full of clothes, neatly divided into sections; jeans, tank tops, tees, long shirts, a wall full of shoes, and of course, a wall full of underwear. Ahh, damn you clothes. It would be so much easier to be naked all the time. Do you know how much money we'd save?

Sometimes I feel so guilty for spending money. Then I realize that is what you do with money. And what else am I going to use it for? School? Psh, puuuulease. A little self-indulgence here and there isn't going to hurt.

I'm not really looking forward to living at home during the summer. I just want my own place right away! Come September I'm going to have to move into the apartment a couple weeks early to "get settled in" haaha *cough*. Do you even KNOW how many cute decorations I've seen?!?

NEW LAYOUT. It's about freaking time. The Photo Gallery was also updated, woot.

Hello Spring Break, sleeping in, shopping, friends, and snowboarding (and FTP that works!!). :)

My computer was making some funny noises (again). I was about to run to duck and cover 'cause I was pretty sure it was gonna blow!

I have a horribly girly crush on a reccent friend of mine. He is hot and rugged. The combination of his deep voice, laugh and smile, melts me to candle wax haha. His personality is just so cute, manly and outdoorsy. Tehe.

NEWS FLASH!! I failed my first class! Math 111, you are evil. Good thing I didn't resell my book... UPDATE UPDATE: I actually got a D+. Not just a D but a nice little plus attached. It's one of those grades that you joke about getting but hey, at least it is passing.

I think I've lost my mojo. No joke. Or at least partially because it hasn't been working at full capacity or functioning like normal. Its really depressing. I need to branch out and hang out with new people. My life seems so boring and monotonous lately, I need some new friend to liven it up. I'm disinterested in most of the clubs here and the only other thing I can think of is sorority. And that makes me want to barf.

Blah. I'm kind of in a funky mood. :\ I go through so many highs and lows like a manic depressive.

Oh and I don't think any ass kicking will be needed, Alex. :) Thanks though, babe. Me and him mended our relations and everything is better than it was before...and hopefully it will continue to improve.

Going to a concert the other night reminded me how much I love live music and how much there is a void in my life without it. I need to go to more shows, despite the fact that I'm basically broke (or will be soon). I also love Portland. Aahh, I want to live in a Portland high-rise apartment. haha Such a lofty, goal...I know. I also freaking LOVE snow and the mountains. I think I will end up living in the mountains at the end of my life because nature is where its at!

And ahaha oh no...oh freaking no. Not again, opps. :\ Its so hard to keep our hands off each other. I don't think I should be laughing.

Moving along, MY HOOPS BROKE. Only like the 3rd time I've worn those earrings? Damn things can't stand a drunken night of dancing, unclasping and getting stepped on. What has quality control come to these days?

First off, I fucking love our baseball team and baseball players. I'm going to either date or marry a baseball player and that's all there is to it (I've already slept with one, so hey! I'm off to a good start). Second, a girl has morals if she doesn't have sex with a guy after the first night of meeting him, NOT issues. Ugh.

Its bad when you're kissing one guy and thinking about another...especially when it happens to two different people. I just can't get this dude out of my head. Fuck. I'm in denial about love.

I'm dancing around in my pink-stripped bathrobe and cleaning my room (while "spicing up my life" with the Spice Girls. That shit is classic, okay?). Whheeee.

EDIT // I need to meet more people that have good connections. I'm getting sick of some people around here.

I got my first offical booty call on Friday night. It was...funny? I hope that is not all I mean to him. I said "NO. We can't keep fooling around, it is not right." But hot damn, he was really trying to drunkenly convince me.

When I went home this weekend my mom gave me sweet smelling Dafny from our yard to bring back. Love my mommy. :) I also bought some hot pink playing cards (drinking games saayy whhaatt? Erh, I mean...I quit.) and more undies. I have a horrible obsession with cute underwear and the color pink.

I might be visiting one of my childhood best friends from Washington that I haven't seen in yeeeaaars. Oh my gosh I'm excited :)

Today in Relaxation I had an epiphany from my instructor's wise words: focusing on breathing, inner peace, unrestricted energy, not digesting toxins. So I'm becoming a straight up vegetarian (almost). I'm going to be eating only free-range or wild meat, and foods that are organic, natural and most of all, alive. Everything that is processed is going to be scrapped (with the exception of chocolate). Since there are not many choices on campus like this, it is going to be difficult but I will do it. This makes me miss Eugene. Oh Eugene, where are you when I needed you?

I've been wanting to do this for a while but haven't had the motivation. Now I have the will and power to change and cleanse my soul. Breathing clean air, observing nature and taking in it's energy, walking with my inner core instead of my head, living for the moment, not giving into urges that come from emotional and physical stress, and engaging my whole body into life. Ahh, the feeling of freshness and purity. It is beautiful.

This makes me want to become an organic chef and devote my life to all things natural and inner peace.

I miss the smell of hippies...

For the first time in a while, I don't have that much weekend assignments. Days of overwork have lead to exhaustion. Finally, I am (slightly) free!!

Well shit, folks. You know the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Californication"? That is what down last night, minus the "cali". Me and him CANNOT be around each other and drink. It is always a bad combo that leads to disaster. At least it was better than last time! haha Its kind of really fucking funny though. College is about making mistakes and learning from them right? Obviously I didn't learn the first time. There will not be a third unless our relationship status changes to something official...and I don't really want that to happen. I can't do "fuck buddies" and I can't do "together".

This is a lot of poo. :(

I had a realization the other night--guys only see my exterior, cute, fun, and a crazy drunk. They don't see past that into my interior. I am so much more than a ditzy party girl. I don't like the image I am portraying right now because people get the wrong impression and don't know there is a real person behind this facade. I want guys to see that I am fun but have depth. I can be a closed book, you have to work hard to get to know me and it might take a while, but it is well worth it.

I've been very disappointed in myself lately. Not just school wise, but with my actions and behaviors. I feel like I've not been the nicest person to people who don't desrve it. I've also let myself down, doing shit that really isn't me. Sometimes you get caught up and loose touch of reality and the important things, thus diving into unhealthy habits.

Also, I really fucking LOVE country now. Not that pop country shit but that stuff you can rock out to. I've offically been converted (sadly and unforfunately). "Pickin' Wild Flowers" by Keither Anderson, AAAaahhhhhh! The end.

Winter term? No, this is "Ashley gets fucked" term. I've managed to fail yet another midterm. What in the hell is going on? I mean seriously, when the fuck did I become so stupid? Ashley does not get F's. Ashley does not miserably fail anything. And it is not just the fact of getting a bad grade, it is the fact that I know I can do a hell of a lot better.

This must be my time to finally get screwed over because I'm really screwing up in life right now, in more than just school. Ever since that one night with "him" it has gone down hill. Maybe this is a mental problem.

I've never failed anything in my life so I don't know how to deal with this.

Thank you Silverchair and your wonderful angry music. I'm also drowning my pain in chocolate. What is a healthy way to deal with failure? And if you say exercise I will slap you because that does not really help.

I think I might drop out of college and become a make up artist. Yes. Well, then go to a beauty school because you will soon be seeing me do all the make up for the hottest runway shows, exotic photo shoots, and dramatic TV series'. Be ready. Maybe I should graduate fro the lame ass business program first?

I desperately need to make out with the boy next door. DOH. Damnit. I wasn't supposed to admit that to myself. I was supposed to be over him.

I'm wearing my new jeans. Weee.

This post is dedicated to Stephanie! Just for youuu haha :)

Current Music: "Sunrise" - Norah Jones (I told myself I would never like her but this song is beautiful...)
Current Mood: STRESSED! My social and school calendars are packed.

The most stupid, idiotic and unlucky (yet slightly funny) shit happens to me!! Whenever I'm with him it is always a night for the record books.

I don't think it is right for me to be bleeding this much. My roommie was like, "you need to get on birth control to control that flow!" haha Yeah. That plus dancing does NOT equal good times. Get the picture? Then multiply it by 5,000.

I. LOVE. BEER. (now). It has gone from hate to love. I can pound those suckers and enjoy it. And hey, that is what college is about...drinking cheap beer and finding ways to get it for free. I'm also growing an increasing tolerence. I'm not such a light weight anymore.. (Why do I always talk about alcohol now? Is that one of the signs of dependence?)

Ooh oh oh, did I tell you I got a 40% on my math mid term...a solid forty! YES. When the FUCK did I get so stupid?!?

"Must Be Doing Something Right" by Billy Currington IS FREAKING AMAZING PEOPLE. God damn. Coming from a girl that strongly dislikes country (except when she is intoxicated and getting her groove on), that is saying something. It is the lyrics. And his silky voice. It is my new obsession that has gone terribly wrong (much like a lot of retarded events in my life. What is with parentheses tonight?)

I'm talking like I'm on some kind of drug. Maybe it is all those vitamin C drops. Can you overdose on those things? You must be thinking I'm even more crazy than before. But that is what I love about this site. I can write anything and not have a care in the world about what anyone thinks.

I'm completely awake at it is almost 4 am. Agggg grrr arggg errrggg ehhh AAAAUGGG!

Love, depression (and PMS) shouldn't mix. Could it really be love or just my imagination? There is an interesting article about love/passion in the latest National Geographic that my roommate bought. It had caused much thought, maybe too much.

Ewww there was some weird sticky crap in my hair.

The brownies at the dining center are delicious.

Le siiiiigh.

I was talking to some friends about my *cough* drinking habits. I asked if it was widely known on my hall that I am found of the bottle and they replied with vigorous head shakes and "Oh yeah!"s. haha Opps? I mean, it is only on the weekends, and I'm not that wild.

I've been thinking about doing some modeling for the art department on campus. $30 for a 2 hour session, nude though. Not that I would mind, I am very comfortable. :) Maybe next year when I need the money more.

Look at my cute new wedges! So stylin'.

I can't believe it is already time for mid-terms. Good lord where is this year going? I want to cherish it forever because there will never be anything like these days again...

Lately I've had a difficult time because I've had an urge not to wear clothes. Just to run around in my bra and undies, or even naked. Clothes feel so...restrictive. According to "him" that would be fine because "I have the body for it...so anytime you feel like not wearing clothes, come up to our room!!!" Ugh. Even more shit happened. I swear, that kid brings about so much drama. So I'm going to stop talking about him every entry before one of you smacks me in the face saying SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I just ate a Reese's we've had in our room since September. Those things have enough preserves in them that it should still be fine anyway (hopefully).

I hate it when they are cleaning the bathroom and I have to take a shit.

Being the blonde I am, I forgot that my FTP doesn't work here so I can't upload the new layout or photos for the gallery.

One crazy drunken night after another. Do you always find random bruises on your body after one of these nights? Because I always do!

WHY do I always mess shit up for myself? I finally cried and it felt good. It made me realize how much I really do like him and how much I probably just fucked it up (again). It is not because he was "my first," I've had these feelings for a long time, crazy intense ones. Could it be love? I always thought that if you were in love you wouldn't have to ask--you'd know. We both agreed that it wouldn't work out but now that is all I can think about. Just to hold each other, feeling the embrace and the beauty of what we have, fulfilling my dream of cuddling by the fire in a mountainous cabin. That sounds wonderfully amazing. Geez, I've never had so much emotional turmoil over one guy before.

Ooh I wish I had an answer, a sign from the mother earthly heavens haha. I trust that everything will go work out and that he feels just as much as me.

I just found a piece of pure red hair on my head.

I could kill for a huge delicious sandwich right now!!

Love: Alex

Edit // We talked...again. And we are going out on a date next week. Wow? YES. I'm really, really excited. :) Hopefully this will turn into a something very very good. The way the we look at one another, the way we communicate, flirt and touch. I can feel it. It has to mean something, right?

I got my ears pierced, WHEEE. They look so cute with little pink sparkly studs. It gave me such a high, I'm really hyper and in a particularly good mood with this adrenaline rush. I wanted to get something else done but didn't know what.

I feel like highlighting my hair with a lot of blonde. I'm in such a mood for change, maybe because of other recent changes *cough*. I'm glad that if fate had me lose my virginity that night it was with a guy I trusted and felt comfortable with. It happened at the wrong time and wrong place. I used to be into him but was just getting over it at the time. We are on really good terms though and definitely agreed to continue being friends. I will always remember him, and in a positive note.

Commenters: Laura, Alex, Stephanie

Oh guys I kind of messed up. At least he is a good guy...

More later, I am mentally (and physically) exhausted.

Oh my gosh, I feel so free and liberated. I am suddenly over him!! After months of brooding, confusion, lust and (one) cry...it is complete and I have moved onto the friends stage. Woot. Come and get me boys, Ashley is out to play haha :) I'm a nerd.

One of the many guys I danced with tonight had like ROCK solid thighs. Mmmmm yes (Although I am still a sucker for the tall and lean). Tonight was fun. J'adore dancer avec les garcons et avec moi et mon tres stupide moves de dance. Hooray for franglais.

I'm in such a funny random mood, Ow OOWWWWW! I'm getting my nipples pierced tomorrow. Ahaha Not really just the ears.

PS: Keep voting on the layouts! ...And I love each and everyone of your silly little booties (I swear I only had a shot. I didn't even get a buzz so don't start with me bitches. I am totally getting my second wind and a blog is not the right place to let it out. Ugh, where is my blow up Jude Law doll when I need it? gahaha.)

LAYOUT CONTESSTTT!!!! It is a little different this time since you will already know the general look and feel of the new layout from viewing at the images below. So upon your best judgement, please choose one of the following:

a)


- OR -

b)


- OR -

c)
I don't like any of them...Ashley, you really need to work on your "skills".

EDIT // The point of a layout contest is to actually vote. Exercise your voice!

People with amazing skill and talent, are they innately born and attracted to this activity? Or is something discovered and learned? How do you know you aren't missing out on being one of the best "so and so's" in the world? Why are people drawn to certain things and are particularly good at them while others are disinterested and untalented? This is something I'd like to get to the core of, to understand and find out...even though it is impossible to know such things.

Hmmm.

I can't figure out which layout to put up. I have three different takes on one main graphic and all of them are intriguing.

Plugs: Dmitri, RJA, Stephanie

The Photo Gallery is up! Thoughts, feedback, critiques, rants, raves, and praises are encouraged...even haikus if you are feeling the creative urge. New layout soon before I go back to school where my FTP goes screwy.

Tell me your hopes, dreams, fears or any random thoughts for the new year. We always say it is new, but really...what is new about it?

Before it is too late...Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. Be safe, happy and healthy for 2006. :)

I miss being a kid at Christmas. I miss "Santa's" annual visits and how my mom always filled the bottom of my stocking with oranges and apples. I miss the giddy feeling that only children have and the nostalgia of it all. Christmas was always filled with cheer, innocence and beauty (and sleeping in). Now it is just like "Eeh." Traditions are being broken and the spirit is not in the air. We didn't even get a god damn tree this year! Now that is screwed up.

I discovered working retail really isn't my "thing". Nine hours on my feet while being just about as bored as a blind person watching a silent film? No thank you. Bussing pizza is better than this.

Also, OSU Business advisors can suck iiiiiit. And they better be ready because it is huge and puts up a mean battle.

Thank you.

Plugs: Dmitri, Stephanie

1. I kissed a hot guy.
2. I miss my college friends.
3. I'm listening to Underneath (wtf is wrong w/me?)
4. I'm in a very good mood...and have been for many months on end. This is the longest stretch where happiness has outweighed the sadness.
5. I desperately need to brush my teeth.
6. I like sandwiches a lot.
7. I say "I" too much but don't know how to get around not saying it.
8. I feel have an awkward feeling that I will fall in love soon, in a very unexpected way, place, and time.
9. The holiday season stresses me out--gift giving is a pain but opening presents is one of the many joys in life.
10. I really need to go to a good concert.
11. I feel like painting and making a photo album of black and whites.
12. I really wish I could fly.
13. One of my biggest fears is letting people down or have them think badly about me...and E.T. (the alien, not the show).
14. I love being artsy.
15. I want to make a snowman and a snowangel.
16. And finally, if you've been able to sort through this mess of randomness, the photo gallery is really coming soon. I promise.

When I said I wanted to work this winter break, I meant a few hours here and there. Not freaking 8-9 hours per day almost all week! My gosh, when will I have time to do nothing? haha At least my pay check will be nice and healthy. Plus I sell jewlery so that is kind of fun :) Ahh the life a chain retail empolyee...

Um yeah and my legs are sore. That is quite sad.

Plugs: Will, Alex, Stephanie

This post is dedicated to all who have exams (particularly Stephanie). I am here to assist you in your many hours of procrastination, avoidance and dread.

I bought a new pair of jeans about an hour ago. Pure loooove and joy. Good thing I don't have a credit card because it would be maxed out on denim. Some of my weaknesses: cute socks and underwear, jeans, sexy high heels, the colors turquoise and raspberry-ish.

I made a free Christmas card yesterday (at the UO bookstore--someone slap me, I am such a trader). It felt so nice to be creative. It reminded me how much I miss it and how much I need it. Maybe instead of my ballroom class I will take an art course of some sort.

Mmm peanut butter is so good. If only we had some oreos.

By the time school resumes in January, I am going to have abs of fucking steel. They used to be sexy. Then laziness set in.

Edit // Dear God I'm starting to like (some) country music. Please smack me in the face really, really hard. Then repeat 5 times or as many as necessary. (Damnit, Sarah..look what you have done to me!)

So I might as well shoot myself now...or cry really hard for days on end. Fuck. Fuck, this just fucking sucks. Why do I always screw myself over when someone good comes along? The only great guy that comes onto me, I fucking reject him and by the time I realize how amazing he is and how much I like him, he gets with one of my friends. I..ugh AHHHJH'. God damnit this hurts really, really bad.

My roommie is playing our "angry" music for me. haha She is great.

My lovlies: Alex & Stephanie

Edit / I just discovered that "Just Friends" by Gavin DeGraw is not a good song to listen to.

Southern Comfort isn't so comforting when you are hugging the toliet (but it tastes damn good going down). I've never been that shitfaced before and I don't want to again. Afer my puking escapade we came back here and kicked it with some friends til 6am. I was feeling fine, thinking "Heck yes, I'm not even going to have a hangover." When I woke up this morning I barfed again...and again. Everyone did say that despite all the shit that was going down, I still had a smile on my drunken face. And that my friends, is true Ashley style haha. My friends are amazing though and they showed how much they really care. How do you pay somebody back for that? Being just as supportive and caring in return? But it doesn't seem like enough.

Anyway, I think my drinking days are over for a while.

AHH I NEED TO CONFESS MY LOVE TO HIM BECAUSE IT IS KILLING ME INSIDE.

I had my chance but blew it. Hopefully I will get another.

// end outburst

I smell like fried/burnt food. Eww :\ I was going to upload my photo gallery (as suggested by Dmitri) but my FTP doesn't work here. Freaking A. Also, I've become a compulsive napper.

I have a feeling something wonderful is going to come about soon...then something horrible. There is nothing dead about dead week. I really need to find a job for winter break or else I will be bored shitless. This afternoon all the of washers and dryers were empty. It was the first time I didn't have to fight for a dryer. There is a certain male I can't get out of my head. I am forcing myself to blog, it is obvious?

A list of smiple yet amazing things:
-naps on rainy afternoons
-warm, fuzzy scarves (not a la Taylor Hanson..aww, Hanson..I forgot about you boys)
-laundry fresh out of the dryer
-hugs
-people who truly care for you
-black and white photography
-exotic flowers
-realizing what you want
-realizing what is important
-confidence
-a nice juicy piece of fruit (not to be taken sexually)

^^Feel free to add...

I've never had this hot of a guy go after me before. And he is actually making the effort to call, make plans, etc. Tall, strong, and sexy. Wouldn't it be amazing if it worked out? I would probably crap myself out of pure joy.

Also, I suuuck at cards. Like even worse than I do at pool...and that is pretty damn bad.

I attended my first screamo concert the other night. Music was good, singing was good, screaming was bad.

I feel like fucking dancing.

Plugs: RJA, Dmitri, Alex

Wow. I broaded my religious horizons tonight. It gave me some...interesting insight. Definitely not many that I agreed with, but interesting none the less. I already have light in my life without religious direction, thank you. And I am not sinning nor am I lost in a life of darkness and bad behavior becauase I do not follow the word of God. The band was good though.

I wish there was a person who could give me daily big, warm and fuzzy bear hugs.

Plugs: Dmitri, Alex, Stephanie

I have the sudden urge to march in a protest. People here don't protest. Where are you my liberal leaning counterparts? I feel so politically and creatively deprived here...must join some clubs to fill that void.

Plain and simple, I have become addicted to Nature Valley granola bars, online shopping, and visions of romance.

Speaking of romance, I had a vision of my love life today. I will date a few semi-preppy yet down to earth guys but end up marrying a ruggedly handsome outdoorsy-type. We'd live in the mountains, maybe own a few pigs (I've always wanted a pig) and a freaking awesome big, cuddly dog. We'd have a grand fire place and sit around drinking beer, naked and wrapped up in blankets enjoying eachother's company in the beautiful firelight. Talking sweet nothings with the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the background and snow gracefully dancing around our cozy home.

Plugs: Dmitri, Alex, Laura, Stephanie, and RJA (because he knows why)

Sooo, last night. Aaahaha. They always say it is a bad idea to start something with people in your dorm. If I would have reciprocated his affection, we would have had sex. Like woah, I'm not ready to be deflowered yet. Guys are so weird. Hmm so yeah, I will keep you guys posted on this situation.

Edit @ 11:26 pm // This is very odd. I don't know how to deal with this because I am so innocent when it comes to anything sexual. I feel pathetic saying it, almost prude. But I am not going to give myself away to some random guy. No good ever comes out of that. I am not going to let somebody use me. I deserve to be treated well and so does everyone else.

What an invigorating mid-morning; a nice workout with 15 minutes on the bike, 15 minutes on the eliptical, and a short run home in the rain. With my head down and hood on, halfway back I had a revelation and realized what a beautiful thing running in the rain is. I shed my hood and turn my face upward, soaking up all of it's glory. Oh, and my "Kickin' Workout Beats" playlist? ...It fucking rocks.

Plugs: Stephanie, Dmitri, Alex, Laura

ahaha I love OSU on the weekends. Last night I got wasted and had a really, really good time. Probably the best since I've been here. I hit on like..every hot guy in sight, laughed continuously for hours, danced my ass off, got invited to come back to bed with a boy (who was surprisingly sober yet very horny), and ate a cookie..or two. There is more substance behind these stories but maybe that will be for a later time. I have massive homework and plus I can't find my shoes. And also, my best friend is really the best.

Major commenters props: Laura, Nile, Dmitri, Alex

Got my freak on last night. Woot w00t. What dancing fools we were. I attract the weirdest guys haha. My butt is a little sore.

My best friend might be transferring to another school next term. This makes me really sad. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. :(

A photo gallery is coming soon! So be prepared.

Edit // I might like a new boy.

Here, I discovered that am either really happy or really sad. Lonely/jealous or loved/content. There is generally no middle ground. And the jealousy issue is a killer sometimes.

Plugs: Alex, RJA, Dmitri, Stephanie

My roommate used my speakers over the weekend while I was gone. They are switched in different places. You do NOT use my speakers without asking. The end.

I made a mistake on Friday that I think made him hate me (even more haha). I don't want to babble forever, so I will leave it at that. The fall out I predicted a few weeks ago has happened. We've basically stopped talking. It might be for the better because I think I liked the idea of him more than him. But fuck, I'm tired of being lonely.

Written at home while I was internet-less:

October 14, 2005 @ 7:14 PM

It's weird being home. Everything is so quiet. I haven't witnessed this much quiet in an extended period of time for weeks. I miss my dorm more now than I have missed home. Shouldn't it be the other way? It has also made me realize how disconnected I am with the world outside off OSU. I haven't read the paper in ages.

It's nice to stink up my own bathroom for once.

Plugs: Alex, RJA, Dmitri

Monster Cookies are divine. The ones they have here are so easily accessible and delicious. They are to blame when I get fat. It's not if, it's when. There are many bad temptations here. And bad music (my god people, get some taste!).

I do miss that comfort of deeply liking somebody. I've been trying to suppress any feelings that I have for him. Is that stupid? I still don't know what to do/think.

I have a longing urge to go shopping.

Plugs // RJA, Laura, Dmitri

Okay so I'm pretty much sad, depressed and confused right now. I feel a good cry coming on. I don't know how to handle all these emotions and thoughts.

More on this later, for I am hella tired and my bed is calling...

(cont. on Oct 7 @ 12:37 pm)

He came up and visited yesterday. It was going good until a certain point at conversation during diner. It made me realize how immature he is (despite his age) and what is motives are. I've done a lot of thinking and talking with people who I trust look up to. I can do better. I will always consider him a friend but I don't envision anything happening between us unless there is something much more deeper under his skin.

The Lovelies: RJA, Rain, Mez, Dmitri, Stephanie, Alex

College is fuunnn. Boys are fun. College boys are fun.

Shit. Sometimes you wonder if things are meant to be and why things go certain ways. Maybe all of them are signs. He tried to come up today but with my school schedule it wouldn't work. We agreed on the "next week" thing...but it is now or never. It's like when someone says, "I'll call you later, we'll hang out!" and you know it's not going to happen. They just say it because there is nothing else to say. I am determined not to let that happen.

I see many of potentials per day, so why do I keeping hanging on to him?

Room still smells like shit despite my air freshening attempts, although it is a little homier as we add to our decoration repertoire.

Plugs: Dmitri Von Klien, RJA, Alex, Janet

Underage drinking in the dorm is dumb. Blatantly drinking during the football game is dumb. Going out to a house party, fine. But why would you risk getting kicked out and fined just to get a buzz before you go out? People are stupid and I'm not going to participate in that. Sometimes my responsibility and fear of consequences takes the better of me and hinders me from having fun. I plan to go out but not be an idiot.

I need him to visit to see if my feelings have changed and/or if they are true (haha I'm so needy). Either way, he has changed my life. (My Dove chocolate fortune said to 'Send a love letter this week' *raises eyebrows*).

In the past couple of days I've done more walking and tripping then I ever have. I seriously trip at least 2-3 times a day. haha It's great comedic relief.

Mad crazy party last night. /Kidding/. When we got there, the keg was dry. We walked around for an hour trying to find something else. I have blisters on all four sides of my feet to prove. The end.

I have a sinking feeling that me and him are going to have a fall out if we don't see one another soon.

My roommie got us a rug but it smells like shit and I don't know how to tell her.

Plugs / RJA, Stephanie, Dmitri

Is there a good way to hide the ugliness of 5 million cords? My desk is engulfed in hordes of them. My freaking cool mouse pad doesn't work with my mouse, the drag is horrible. How disappointing. I desperately need more decorations. This place is so sterile looking.

He called me. <33 He never fades from my mind. I'll see something/someone that reminds me of him and my mind goes off into a distant land. It's kind of comforting in a way.

Ahhh college life. I've met a lot of nice, new people. We're attempting to get our room all settled and cozy. My roommate seems pretty cool so far. Our hall is a bit quite. Everyone looks so young.

I chickened out last night. I couldn't get myself to tell him how I really feel. We had a good night though. His hugs are great. Today he texted me a couple of times, once asking if boys were allowed in my dorm and again saying that he would have to come up and visit. Wheee. I love being in his company and I miss it horribly. I miss the way he makes me laugh. I miss the way he makes me smile. I miss the way he makes me feel.

Tuesday is the big day. Dorm life will be a different experience, I hope I adjust alright. I'm going to fucking miss his ass. I don't think I'll ever meet a person like him again.

Tomorrow I'm either making a move or telling him the way I feel. I honestly have no idea how we are going to end up. It would be so much easier if he confessed his love (if he has any) but life/love isn't that way. /Aw, he just texted me./

I'm trying to keep it cool but secretly I'm stressing. This whole packing business can be overwhelming. I know I'm going to forget something important.

Dmitri: No doubt I will. :)

This could go two ways--an incredible relationship or a beautiful friendship. Obviously the former is preferred but either way would be satisfying. He is an amazing person that I never want to lose contact with. We'll see what happens in these days to come...

He. Is. So. Cute. Wheee.

The end.

Plugs: Dmitri, RJA

I can't stop thinking about him. It's gotten to the point where it's horribly annoying. Before it was comforting but now it needs to stop. Is it supposed to be like this? Is this normal? I think I really will insane if this continues. Hell, I don't even know if he likes me back. If he doesn't it will surely break my heart.

I've never had my heart broken. I don't know if I could emotionally handle rejection at that level. Yes, I've had my feelings hurt with the dreaded situation of "my crush ended up asking my friend out". But daaang. This is a lot of poo.

I need a hug.

Plugs: RJA, Mez, Dmitri

So I wrote a really sweet entry late last night and then my browser quit (okay, actually it was quite lame but that is unimportant). Shit, I really wish I wasn't leaving now...and it's all because of a boy. A new one, a better one, a beautiful one that makes me smile and laugh and feel all giddy like a little girl. Last night was much fun. I can't recall the last time I felt that happy. Why did he have to come into my life at such an inconvenient time? I could go on forever about him but alas, I don't want to bore you.

Woah, my hair is short. I'm still getting used to seeing myself with shoulder length hair and side bangs.

Things are winding down, work is coming to an end, high school is finally left behind. It is all so sad yet refreshing at the same time. There are things, people, and memories that I will hold closely to my heart and never forget. To me, that is beautiful.

<3: Laura, Stephanie, RJA, Dmitri

No more am I going to let you hold me down. For I am in control of me. I am free on my own behalf. Your fears will not become mine. Your protection has hindered my growth. Now I am reborn, creating my life the way I want it.

In the words of Eric Cartman...

Utter madness. Sheer chaos. Is this world.

A person doesn't realize how attached they are to their surroundings until hits them with the fact that they are leaving. As much as I don't like Eugene, I love it. I love it's little quirky attributes, the odd beauty you can find walking down the streets, the hippies (the hippies!!), but most of all I'm used to it. This is what I know. I don't know much else. From this point on, I'm going to be creating a new "Eugene" for myself. This intrigues me but scares me at the same time.

I hope that next year I can post here with many a great stories...and bad ones too. I want to fuck up, make mistakes, and grow. I want to have fun and enjoy my youth in all it's youthful glory..or something to that sort. I don't want to become another drab individual always looking for something better. Most of all, I want to find myself and feel completed for the first time in my life. I know this will not happen in a mere 4 years but over a lifetime.

I feel much more clear-headed after writing that (did I just have a mini-revelation?). Oh the joys of blogging.

Plugs: Laura

EDIT // I got some kickin' speakers for my dorm room today. Plus a printer AND the perfect academic planner. YES.

Somedays I think I like him and others I don't. Isn't it weird how interaction between two people, depending on the intensity, can make or break an attraction? There is also another boy man. *giggle* Oh he is super. Super sweet, super funny, super cute with a super smile. Supa, supa, dat's supa (haha how fun it is to quote old hanson videos). He is one of those guys you can tell is a genuinely good guy that would be worth pursuing. If only I wasn't leaving in a couple of weeks, then me and him would be togetha. Oh fho sho!

I finally jumped into the new and improved technology pool and got a camera flip phone. It is tres fun.

Random, funny quote of the day: "Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States." --Jon Stewart

Props to the Canadian, Blink fanatic, and X-Filer...love you guys. :)

New stiggin' friggin' layout (featuring Mischa Barton)! Let me know your thoughts, for they are always appreciated. In the past six months my graphic design activity has dropped significantly, so this layout sprouted from a creative burst of design energy.

I'm making it a habit to do my lame pilates/yoga video every day since I terminated my gym membership due to work schedule conflicts (sometimes they make me open the restaurant at 10 am, ew). I don't know if it is working but it's quite relaxing on the muscles.

I might go make brownies.

I also might like a boy. I haven't decided yet/haven't accepted the fact that there might be a possible crush. Just something childish out of a lack of boredom.

Plug: x

I think I've learned this summer to cherish what I have, because nothing ever stays the same.

Today I was contemplating space time. I thought, "There are no time zones in space, so how can they tell what time it is?" Then it occurred to me that time in space doesn't even matter. Maybe time in years, centuries, and millenniums, but certainly not in minutes.

The only thing keeping me from closing this site is the past. I have a hard time getting rid of things I've kept so close to my heart for so long.

Occasionally at work I have the strongest urges to butt in on people's conversations. Eves dropping is quite entertaining and I can't suppress the need to put my five cents in.

I'm finding all these people from my old elementary school in Washington on thefacebook and is it weeeeird, man. Really weird. It's odd to think of those people as grown up because in my mind they are all little 5th graders.

This blog is going downhill. Hopefully it will make a turn for the better and win the tour de blog when college starts in the fall. I have no idea what I'm talking about at this point so I dearly excuse any random, unexplainable words that come out of my mouth. No hands, actually. My hands get dry from work, so sometimes I use lotion. The non-greasy kind (of course).

Question of the day: What would your catch phrase be if you were a playa (assuming you aren't one)?

The past, present and future changes of this year feel like they almost belong to someone else. Graduation, working, legalization, college seem so "adult", yet I feel so immature and inexperienced. I've accepted these changes but my problem is that I haven't embraced them.

OSU Registration, with the intent to make us feel like all-grown up collegiates, only made me feel younger. High school still lingered in the auras of the attendees. Fresh minds and eager spirits. It reminded me of the term "eager beaver" which is kind of ironic considering we are the Oregon State Beavers (haha hot damn, I'm full of puns). By the way, I'm taking badminton Fall term lmfao. It can't get any cooler than that.

My feet smell horrible! It must be the thin socks creating some sort of smelly sweat complex.

I painted today and it reminded me how much I love arting (why isn't that a word?).

Wonderful, lovely, amazing commenters: Mez, RJA, Sez

Shit. Almost two months. The dry spell will be cleared up very soon. Until then, think of how I can celebrate my 18th birthday on the 27th of this very special month of July.

It seems like a blogging dry spell has fallen upon me these past few days. I am very sorry to my three loyal visitors. So from the depths of my cozy bed, I introduce to you the latest entry:

Most of the people at work are very friendly and nice. There is one girl who is super cool and slightly reminds me of Daria. She has been nice from day one but not in a fake, over-exaggerated way. My hands are dry and have started to peel in some areas from touching water all day. The life of a busser is truly glamorous. I also need to start learning everyones names, especially my managers. I'm so bad with names (doesn't everyone say that?).

Since reading about the "all who is inside of a car looks like they are riding in a funeral procession" part in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, I've realized how true that is for others and myself. I feel confined in a car, trapped behind glass. Maybe that is why I'm not too fond of driving. I need something more free and open. Instead of buying a car a few years down the road, I might just get an electric bike. If I wasn't so chicken I'd consider a motorcycle. But I'm not that hardcore yet.

Lately I've been going through this miniscule "save the earth" phase. I've been recycling eeevverything at home, and while at work, feeling guilty about throwing a recyclable in the trash. As well as thinking if I had to get a car it would be a hybrid or an even eltectric (if they didn't make them so ugly. Why can't they make "healthy" car good looking?) There is also some good news--if you visited the "saveourvalley" link I posted a few entries back, you'll be glad to know that there will NOT be a power plant going in. The proposal was scrapped after the company classified it as an "unsuitable area with much opposition".

I beat my high score on Pac Man today.

PLUGS: Alex & RJA

I registered to vote yesterday. It was a proud moment in my life. :)

I'm having second thoughts about this dorm thing. Considering I hate public restroom/communal bathrooms, it will be an interesting challenge. See, I need privacy on the throne. I need to sit my little butt down, get relaxed and comfortable to make the best of my bathroom experience. And how could I do that knowing that 5 million other asses have been on that toilet. I'm fine with my own poop germs, but other peoples'?...forget it!

After months of a dry spell in the unemployed but looking life, I have hit some gold. Over the past few days I've had two interviews and two others that I had to shoot down because I landed a job. Wooh! I'll be busing at a local pizza joint. haha And wearing a sweet uniform too.

Plugs: Michelle, Alex, Johnny Crash (aksjdfhaksdhf I love the Bleu Jeans idea. Simply perfect.)

Watch out world, I am armed and so very, very dangerous. I now have an Oregon Foodhandler Card. Beware, because I can legally cook your food. And please, stay out of the danger zone (aka 41-140 degrees).

I think I found my destiny on the working environment, or perhaps a short-lived destiny in retail; owning a jeans store. I don't know why I never thought of this before, but while watching "A Makeover Story" on TLC (shut up, it's my lunch time ritual) it suddenly hit me, and was like, "Omfg this is the coolest idea ever." So I need to think of some good names. Not anything corny like Bean's Jeans, or trendy like Da Sweetest Jeans in Da Hood (because frankly a business would fail miserably no matter what is sold with a name like that). Something hip yet classic is the cure.

Da sweetest commenters in da hood: Johnny Crash, RJA, Michelle, May...you guys are keepers. :)

Last night I had a dream that I wrote the coolest blog entry ever. But to my dismay it never materialized into the conscience world. And I can't quite remember what it was about. For some reason elephants are coming to mind.

No one visits this side anymore. It's sad.

I missed the Elvis movie w/Jonathan Reese Myers. His lips are amazing. I want to be his Valentine (and take that whichever way you want to, ha).

Have you ever wanted something sugary (or any food for that matter) so bad but when you finally eat it, it is just run of the mill and doesn't live up to your sugary dreamy thoughts? BUT THEN you keep doing that and each time you are let down, again and again but you STILL crave it even with knowing the end results. Shit's weird like that.

Helloooo friends. I got my hair cut today. She curled in loose curls so it's all fun and bouncy. And it smells really nice. I contemplated buying the products because lately my hair and been dry and damaged but I didn't want to be set back 2398472984729374 dollars. So I bought a white skirt at Old Navy instead. That justification doesn't work but whatev.

This weekend I'm going to attempt to make a home-made frappuccino. Those things are the shit. (God...it's only Monday..NOO).

So I got to thinking earlier this afternoon, when I'm employed I'm going to blow my first paycheck on over-priced but good quality hair products and make up. It's nice to pamper yourself once in a while.

I have designed a new layout but am not sure if I could put it up quite yet. What are your thoughts? Yes? No?


lmfao That is a classic. This guy's good.