Random life updates

Upgrading Tiger to Leopard does NOT work well. All of my important files are on an external and my actual computer is currently without an operating system.

I leave for France in 1 month and 10 days!

Brent doesn't want a relationship but continually wants to hang out. You men are weird.

Body Sculpting has made me so buff!

That is all for now.

Covering my seat

I'm now one of those people who carries a plastic bag to cover their bike seat just in case it rains.

Things with Brent are a train wreck. We patched things up and then something else happened a week ago and hasn't been normal since. I'm not going to let him go..."you lose 100% of the shot you don't take." I hope it's not too late.

The way I are

Filling out study abroad paperwork is STRESSFUL.

After this program, Timbaland and I will both be singing, "I ain't got no money, I ain't got no car to take you on a date." Ironically, I didn't even have a car last night! It was towed from my friend's apartment complex even though I was parked in her space. Dang that permit parking and $250 towing fees.

PS: This song is perfect for roboting.

New

New layout finally! Blogger has a new layout editor and oh my gosh it's amazing. It makes life so much easier without having to mess with the HTML. If I could hug blogger, I would. There is a slideshow "gadget" that I will add soon for your visual pleasure. Props to the people who created the improved features.

I'm having all sorts of man drama right now. My main concern is Brent. I'd been trying to drop my preconceived notion of him being a drunken idiot but who on the contrary is extremely smart and athletic. I finally gave into hanging out in attempt to turn over a new leaf after our ahem...night of passion a few months ago. But it went terribly wrong and now he's upset at me. Unfortunately, I just realized how much potential sober Brent contains. I want to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about everything after we return from spring break.

Going to Lake Tahoe for spring break with a new camera that actually takes pictures without pointing it at a bright light haha. Ol' 5-lb reliable lasted for over four years.

Speaking of age, Unpredictable has been around in some sort of way for 8 YEARS!!! Ahh, it makes me feel ancient and I'm not even old!

Only in college...

Only in college is it acceptable for a girl to meet a guy at a bar, dance and talk all night, allow him to continuously buy her drinks, go back to his parents "McMansion", pass out in his bed fully clothed, wake up to his older sister wondering whose high heels were by the door, meet his mom who kindly offers bagels and juice for breakfast like it's no big deal, then tell the guy "I don't do random makeouts" when he tries to kiss you while laying in his bed.

A constant battle: Trying to be more positive and push away negative energy that stems from my mind and sometimes come out of my mouth.

Something I'm looking into: Voluntary Simplicity. I recently learned about it from a workshop at the Sustainability Center...love that place and the people.

My ideas to remodel the Sustainability Center's basement are flowing. Things are starting to get underway with the technical construction issues. I have great visions for the end result.

All my single ladies

Pilates class has given me hardcore abs. Just one hour, twice a week. I love flexing and poking them, solely to feel how toned they are. Bahaha!

Devoting this time to wish you a Happy Singles Awareness Day!

I've recently begun volunteering at the Sustainability Center on campus. Upon discovering my interior design major, they asked me to re-do the entire basement into a lounge/meeting area. I've never done anything remotely close to a real project before but am thrilled, honored and not one bit apprehensive. The people there are great...well, the guys mostly. I accidentally flirted with a few (shhhh). Some of the women seemed skeptical.

The economy is terrible. Everything is closing and crumbling down. Obama, save us! At least gas is under $2. Funny: Bush-inspired Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor

Cute coffee shop guys = dud. Seemed like he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He's an amazing drummer though.

PS: Not everything has been finalized yet but I'm going to study in Grenoble, France this summer!!

Obama!

What an exciting, emotional day. :) I'm looking forward to the next 4 years of Obama's office. I haven't been able to catch much of the inauguration day coverage, except for a few speech excerpts and speculations about when Obama would be getting out of the limo. The only quality youtube video tweaks out on my compy. :\

"Cute coffee shop boy" and I from last term have been seeing each other a lot recently. The possibility of this becoming something more does not scare me. Maybe I am a changed woman. He's even breaking my space bubble and making me more comfortable with touching and being touched. He's a drummer too...Hot!

Anyway, I'm feeling emotionally weird and distant. So I'm going to do my nails and go to sleep.

Too many lovers

All of the sudden, I have all these guys at my feet and have no idea what to do. I made an error in judgement a few weeks ago that will probably cost me a friendship after I break his heart. I feel terrible yet strangely exhilarated by all this man attention.

Kauai was beautiful. I found my favorite beach in the entire world, Kaena Beach on the North end of the island. Pounding clear-blue waves, surrounding by imposing green mountains...Paradisio! I fell in love with the landscape, relaxed lifestyle and free ukulele lessons. I wouldn't mind having a house on that island someday. There was also something quite beautiful about the transients all over the island. They came from all walks of life and were completely free from. I would never have the balls to do that but secretly dream to.

My first studio class for Interior Design has started and I'm completely and utter excited to finally be doing something with my hands! No more bookwork. A few months ago, I attended to an interior design conference and it went GREAT. I walked into the featured building and thought, "This is what I want to do." It was a perfect revelation of sorts. I want to rennovate old buildings and make them LEED certified.

Green Macbooks!

Apple introduces green notebooks. It's about time! I want to get my hands on one of these babies to replace my poor, ailing (okay, old) Mac. This is so exciting. The impact of this on the computer world is HUGE! Within the next 2-3 years, all computers will be made like this or even better. Yes, minimizing waste and harmful compounds is a step in the right direction but eliminating them is even better. All this and more is in Cradle to Cradle (my other bible, next to He's Just Not That Into You), a great read for anyone who plans on living.

Coooold

It's 59 degrees in my room right now. It was probably colder in last year's apartment but my technologically advanced space heater has a digital thermostat to warn me of the coldness that lurks outside.

I got my second holes pierced in my lobes last night and taught people how to spray paint this afternoon. My cash funds are dwindling and I need some extra spending money. Today's paper said that the sensory lab on campus pays people for taste testing. Tempting. I've also thought about nude modeling for the art department. Not quite sure how to get in on that though.

Flawed

Well, I found my first flaw: my right shoulder is slightly lower than my left. It's most likely due to carrying my heavy school bag on my right shoulder for 5+ years. This could lead to back and neck pain later in life. My roommate and her friend discovered this while practicing for their university class. In the midst of all this perfection, can you believe it? (Ha, kidding.) The some-what lengthy reversal process will begin tomorrow with my bag gracing the left shoulder. Thankfully I have good posture, so that will help too.

There are a few potential men out there but nothing at the formal stage yet. :\

I ate two brauts for dinner tonight. They were delicious and temporarily filled my hot dog craving due to lack of man meat for almost a year. But as mentioned before, I'd rather be celibate than have some random penis in me.

Twilight comes out in less than 4 days! And yes, we bought tickets for the midnight showing.

Boots without the fur

So, I gave in. I bought them. Skinny jeans and a pair of brown boots. And I absolutely love them. The concept works very well in the rainy Pacific Northwest. My pants stay completely dry, even while wearing flats. One thing I will never do: Uggs.

Is fruit leather a nutritious food? Or one of those foods made to look healthy?

Apparently I'd been under watering my orchid, so the leaves are becoming wrinkly. Let's hope it's not too late to save it...it's a slippery slope out there in the plant world.

I'm seriously considering studying abroad in France this summer. It has to happen!

Yes we did

Obama Nation!

EDIT // This is still very emotional even three days after. I'm also so proud of us young people who showed up in records numbers and comprised almost 20% of the popular vote.

Good Dick

I'm dying this movie when it comes near me/out to video:



Shamefully (or proudly?), the girl reminds me a lot of myself. The synopsis makes so completely excited to see it. I feel it has the potential to make it to the all-time favorite list.

Cactus update

It died.

:(

Fierce farter

I just blew the loudest, most massive, Guinness Book of World Records-worthy fart known to mankind and no one was around to witness it!! It came out with such force that it hurt my butt.

Earlier this afternoon, I was consumed by pavement claustrophobia. Everywhere I turned, the ground was covered. Panicked, I walked along the wild grass blocks between the sidewalk and the road to calm my nerves. I'm surmising this happened because I haven't hiked for over a month or so.

Something I've never understood: leaf blowers. Why? Let the wind do it's job. And if people slip on wet leaves from time to time, so be it. They probably had it coming to them anyway.

My cactus has mealy bugs! Hence the leaves falling off and white residue. Poor little guy (Frederic Edwardo the third).

And it makes me wonder

I've been meaning to write for sometime now...

Coming back to school has been good, although I've been feeling a bit sad and lonely as of lately. I swear our apartment bathroom was made for little people, or at least very short ones. Everything is so low. I almost broke the toilet the first time I sat down.

The other week I had a hazelnut steamer with hemp milk. It was quite delicious. And being a strong supporter of all things hemp, it made me enjoy it that much more.

I had a nice day to myself not too long ago. On a drizzly but humid day after class, I ventured downtown and rummaged around the hippie bead shop and discovered a new/used bookstore. I bought a few books about Buddhism and some of Walt Whitman's works. The teachings of Buddhism have recently become more attractive to me, as I now have multiple books, meditate on occasion and try to practice everyday. Buddhism is quite a learning process of training the mind. It would be nice to have some sort of instruction, especially since campus life is preaches quite the opposite of Buddhist ideals. I'm thinking of contacting my Philosophy teacher from a few years ago. Continuing with my gravitation towards Buddhism, I went to a lecture on campus given by Robert Thurman about his new book, Why The Dalai Lama Matters. One of the greatest speakers I've had the pleasure to see. Not only is he very intelligent and inherently compassionate but he cracks hilarious jokes...and snorts at them! He described the Dalai Lama as a "zoloft of the people" haha. He was very inspirational and uplifting.

My Halloween costume is all assembled and Fern, my inner hippie, is ready to spread peace, love and the amazingness that is Led Zeppelin. I'm super excited! All I need is a Jimmy Page as my companion.

On Wednesday I became one of the editors of the art and literary magazine on campus. :) A passion for art runs deep in my veins and this is the perfect opportunity. I will be judging student works to be published in our quarterly.

Just last week I was walking to campus on a sun-drenched but crisp morning. I looked up to see bright yellow leaves blowing off a tree and into the wind, juxtaposed against the blue sky. It was a highly spiritual moment. I walked to class a little slower that day.

A change is gonna come

Viagra emails are somehow getting through my amazing spam filter and are showing up in my inbox. Angry face.

Today was my last day of work until the holiday season. I'm going to miss a lot of people there, everyone was so nice. One of the girls even made me a card. :) There was a lot of diversity at "big box". It will be sombering to return to OSU and be surrounded by relative sameness.


I know I've turned over a new leaf with accepting commitment and relationships when toasting to "love" completely drunk. :)

The seasons are changing, as the scent of Fall blows freely in the wind. This makes me uncomfortable because it's come up so suddenly. I'm not ready to accept Fall. Summer has been so grateful to me.

Beer

In my new experience of legal drinking, I've decided that Widmer Brother's Hefeweizen is my favorite beer on tap. Delicious.

Flattery

I've been working at Target for a little over two months and I've already trained two people and been in charge for half the store on multiple occasions. Last night, after hearing sad news (below), the store leader said he would like for me to become a manager and to stay with Target even after I graduate. He loves my positive and friendly attitude, he "knows a great team lead when he sees one". It was very flattering but my dreams are bigger. At least I know I'll always have a job and a reference.

The past couple of days I'd been having very strong premonitions that something bad was going to happen to someone I know. These feelings intensified yesterday mid-morning. Whenever a feeling like this comes along, it's always right. Consequently, last night at work I learned that my motorcycle-riding crush was in a bad motorcycle accident around lunch time, leaving him unable to walk for at least four months. My heart dropped to the floor. He is one of the nicest guys and to have this happen to him is shocking. We'd been talking this entire summer and our mutual attraction had been growing. This whole thing is very upsetting to me. All I want to do is see him, hear his voice, touch his face and kiss his lips. We've never even kissed (although there have been many conversations about it haha)! Everything is going to be so between with us now. Not seeing him at work is going to be very weird too. He's honestly part of this reason I enjoy working there. Obviously I've been suppressing feelings for him. No surprise there...

My heterosexual life partner Whitney is in France for the term and I missss her :(.

Hanson was amazing. The sold out crowd was energetic, friendly and mature. I think they were shocked at the energy of the NW fans that they've neglected to visit these past five years. Hanson's humanitarian efforts are also inspiring and commendable.

The word "cattery" was in the newspaper this morning. I found it so amusing that I want to include it in my vocabulary. Get thee to a cattery!

The boys are back in town

Only a few weeks left until I return to school and our apartment. The porch right outside of my bedroom is the perfect place to set my easel for outside artistry. I'm super excited but I don't want summer to end quite yet.

In the midst of summer activities of friends and flirts, I forgot to mention that I'm going to see Hanson perform tonight in Portland. It is about 5 years ago to date that I met them backstage at the Aladdin. How times have changed.

I may be getting myself into some trouble with a certain male but everyone needs a little trouble from time to time.

Every time my cactus is watered, it loses a leaf. I'm worried. Am I a bad plant owner?

I cannot turn my mind off to fall asleep!!

Keep on rockin'

My art class has opened my eyes to the versatility of charcoal. What was once my enemy has now become my best friend. I absolutely love working in this medium and plan to buy all the essential supplies.

Driving back from my final art class at the beloved hippie campus of UO, there was a guy strumming his electric guitar on the street corner. "Keep on rockin'!" he yelled enthusiastically. The poor guy wasn't getting any response, so as I drove by I threw up the devil's horns (for all things rock 'n roll) and made a hardcore rocker face. He was so excited and yelled ecstatically, "Rock on!! WOO!" I think we made each other's nights.

Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. It's a beautiful thing. Not to mention their swimming skills are exceptional. Lochte is is a gorgeous man, reminiscent of an ancient Greek. My mouth literally falls open and an "ooohhh" escapes while looking at pictures and/or watching him on TV. He is a gift from the Greek gods.

Oh! I was stung by a bee while on a bike ride with some friends this afternoon. Something dark and buzzing suddenly collided with my neck, followed by a dull, stinging pain. Only random, crazy things like that happen to me.

Natural paradox

The longer I go without sex, the more and more I crave hot dogs. Not the pathetic Ball Park Frank kind but the big, juicy Bratwurst kind. Pretty soon, brats are the only thing I'm going to be eating!

I have the sudden urge to make a glowstick dress and wear it to a rave, preferably a European rave.

EDIT // My new planner has a quote for each week. It's really nice.

My 21er was an epic event, spanning two cities in two weekends with many friends and too many free drinks.

I'm getting new glasses to replace my 8 year old pair à la Harry Potter. I've narrowed it down to three pairs, although the Gucci ones are my favorite.

The other day I realized one of my greatest fears is to end up on one of those dating websites.

Major crisis

My boobs have gotten smaller and I don't know why!! AHH! I'm angry, sadden and I feel like I have lost a part of myself. It must have something to do with a lack of man action. I'd rather have smaller boobs than be a slut. An actual relationship would be nice though. In time...only in time.

I jumped off a 30 foot bridge at Blue River Reservoir this afternoon. Then lounged around drinking cheap beer at the dock. Such a wonderful day, despite my coming to terms with a breast crisis.

The Dark Knight was great. Heath Ledger completely makes the film. A definite must-see.

Summer treats

Champagne mangoes are delicious and so are iced Tazo Passion teas infused with lemonade from Starbucks.

Pain au chocolat

In the past couple of months I've had numerous dreams about traveling to France. Many of which involve a dramatic scene a at pastry shop where I buy something chocolate.

Currently I'm reading "Sucidial Planet" in hopes to get everyday tips to become more eco-friendly. They argue that "every little bit helps" doesn't actually help. I beg to differ, every bit does help, especially if many participate. It may not be enough but at least it is something. I do concur that drastic change is needed soon to alleviate the strain we are putting on the planet. I'm scared for the future condition of our world.

I've always felt a strange connection to the Native Americans tribes in the Pacific Northwest. I would like to think that I was part of one in a past life.

Since being home, occasional feelings of being stifled have overwhelmed me due to the near impossibility of biking from place to place and the loss of freedom that comes from living on one's own. Curfew...really mom, really?

I've frequently been getting hit on (even at work by customers) by every man except the one who I really want. He's only been hinting at it. He melts my heart like butta.

We stood at easels in art class this evening and my drawing turned out crooked.

The clouds outside my window look like the ones from "The Simpsons".

Snickers sandwiches

I need to find "my place". You know, that one spot where you go alone to contemplate life and feel better. That will be my mission the next couple of weeks.

Exactly one more month until my 21st birthday.

Snickers Ice Cream Brownie Sandwich = SO GOOD. The closest thing to sex. Definitely an orgasm in the mouth.

If the fish swam out of the ocean

Over the weekend I helped Katie move to Portland and holy crap, there are some crazy people who live there! Love it...so much diversity (not just about ethnicity in this context) and activity! I've never gotten so many shouts and hollers in my life. I even had an admirer at Waterfront Park who kept skateboarding by and smiling. It was actually quite cute. I think I could live in the city for a while until nature would beckon me back. Also, Portland's "naked bike ride" is now on my list of life goals. They organize secretly due to the illegality, so I must find my way in.

Another thing on the to-do list: get a fart ringtone and have someone call me in class so it would go off and no one would suspect it was a phone!! It sounds ridiculous, I know, but the thought completely amuses me.

I'm obsessed with Sam Sparro at the moment, especially "Black & Gold," which talks about the absurdity of life. He is even political and forward thinking. I'd be a gay man for him.

I bought a "stunning" floor length gown today for no purpose at all except to have it. Sarah talked me into it and I couldn't refuse because it fits beautifully. Now I just need some sort of a ball to wear it to. And a Prince Charming. :)

Last year I had a crush on my Math TA and we had a tentative date for coffee that never happened. He recently contacted me again and asked if we could hang out, also adding that I was "very attractive" and was wondering what I thought of him. How awkward! I know he is foreign but there are no excuses.

Oh Ryan, my possible love interest rides a motorcycle.

EDIT // Another goal: Nude beach! There are many spots around Eugene. How exciting! Eugene also has a nude bike ride but like Portland's, I just missed it.

EDIT 2 // Goals: learn how to play the bongos and play them with the other drummers at the Saturday Market, go topless with body paint at the Oregon Country Fair

Covered in rain

The air was warm this evening and I went out on the balcony to let the rain hit my skin. I tipped my head back and allowed the sprinkles cover my body, becoming one with the purity of nature. Surrounded by friends and the fresh smell of a new rain (and a few cute men) made the night delightful.

I won $50 on a scratch-it the other day.

You had me at shabby chic

Pottery Barn. As much as I hate it, I love it. Their perfect, mass-produced products...I can't help it! I secretly wish to subscribe to their catalog for all of the design ideas, cut them out and paste them in my inspiration binder. What a hypocrite I am! I will admit to nobody else that I like this place or I will keel over in disgust and guilt.
(Feeling: shameful)

A lone blossom

One more final to go and Junior year is done. It has been an interesting experience living with Marie and Whitney. I don't suggest having three roommates because there is always "odd man out". In this case, it was Marie. Not because we purposely left her out but because she constantly alienated herself. Unfortunately, we only recently had a conversation to resolve everything. I'm definitely going to miss living with Whitney and the CAT! Oh kitty. It will be so lonely without her. The greatest thing is, our craziest nights have been sober nights. House hunting for next year is a disaster. With the way things are going, Marie and I might be homeless next year. What else? My life continues to be romantically uninteresting. The most exciting it gets is flirting and lots of chocolate. But I'm content...and maybe a little apathetic at times. Now back to Eugene for hopefully a wonderful summer (even though Katie will be in Portland)!

My Japanese Peace Lilly has bloomed again this year:

Haworthias and merde

I purchased a small Haworthia succulent from the Saturday Market today. This will make plant number six. I'd forgotten how fun and relaxing an afternoon at the market is, especially here in Eugene.

My cousin's husband works at a high-end, sustainable architecture firm in Portland where he most likely would've given me a summer Interior Design internship. For some reason, my parents and myself included, regrettably talked me out of it because I didn't have enough experience or a portfolio. They said it "wouldn't be worth" living up there to file papers or do other meaningless tasks all day. But really it would be worth it. It would get my foot in the door.

Merde!

I'm worried that I'm not sufficiently design-oriented. I don't sketch ideas...or have too many ideas in general. Is that bad? Yes. That deserves another "merde". If I had a premise or reason for sketching, that would help me along. Meaning, I need to start looking at spaces and thinking of ways to recreate them. Oh god! I'm not so scared about not good enough as much as I'm scared that my designs won't be original or revolutionary. Breathe in, breathe out and go buy some interior architecture and design magazines. (Not only do I talk to myself in real life, I do it in blogs now too. haha Yesss.)

Sweet puddle of juice

I'm typing this blog with while almost naked. Feels so great. I really think I could join a nudist colony and be comfortable.

I have a predicament with housing for next year: either live with two girl whom I know I wouldn't be very happy with, or live by myself for three months until Whitney comes back from France. Either way doesn't seem like very much fun. I'm in limbo.

Story time! There was a sticky puddle on the kitchen counter this morning. Out of disgust, I cleaned it up but it was back by the afternoon. Perplexed, I searched around for a leak in the ceiling or any problem. Nothing. I sniffed the mysterious puddle only to find it was sweet smelling. My eyes met with the nearby fruit basket and spied the culprit, a rotten tangerine dripping it's juice onto the counter.

She's free

That's it, I'm transferring to UO! I've always been an inner hippie but going to the campus yesterday to made me want to fully embrace it. The majority of OSU seems to be caught up in a superficial rat race. I'm restricted there. I don't realize how much I move with the crowd in until I'm removed from it. I felt free and relaxed on the UO campus. Being amidst people who also have organic souls, I felt quite at home. I'm not going to let my surrounding dictate how I feel or what I do, so OSU...expect a full-blown hippie coming Monday.

Obama's speech was enriching. Though seemingly tired, he was still inspiring. He is definitely a uniter whereas Hillary is more of a policy-maker. The McCain bashing was annoying, that is one thing I dislike about politics. But I like his direction of more affordable higher education and a healthier international environment. I also locked eyes with the most beautiful man I have ever seen. He had glowing olive skin with hazel green eyes and was even hippie-ish. I must see him again.

Hopefully I will secure a job shadow with an interior designer here in Eugene for the summer. In addition I've decided to take drawing and painting classes at UO...do the whole starving artist thing, spending my extra time reading, biking, hiking, playing tennis, etc. Just enjoying life and not having a strict schedule. Thus keeping with my flowy lifestyle.

I'm creating myself as how I want to be, a free and creative soul that is kind, content and hopefully one day, selfless. I like this. :)

No more hot pink water bottle

My Nalgene lid melted in the dishwasher. Now it smells like a pair of freshly waxed skis...not the greatest scent for a dishwasher. :\

I'm officially in the Interior Design program. It seems like much more than a year ago that I decided to switch my major. A few friends and I are going to see Obama tomorrow at UO. It's my first time seeing a presidential hopeful speak, so I'm super excited. This should help me decide who to vote for.

I've been uncomfortably cold and sweaty all day.

Quality in a square

Today, I ate an entire package of Ritter Sport's Milk Chocolate with Hazelnuts.

Buff girl

Yes, yes I'm here to blog! Stephanie reminded me it has been over a month (ah!). I'm not really sure where the time went. Just school, friends...nothing crazy. Life is good but maybe a little lonely at times.

Whistler was gorgeous (so many people)! I signed up for group lessons but it ended up being just me and the instructor. I can actually turn now but am still having some trouble with the toe-edge. The true test is if I can carry my new-found skills into next season.

I bought some peace sign panties a few weeks ago and am excited to wear them.

I'm getting buff! It's true. With tennis two times a week plus other activities at the gym, biking and running outdoors, I'm frequently flexing and admiring my muscles in the mirror. Haha.

3 more months until my 21er. :)

PS: I'm even biking to the organic grocery store. How I love being natural...

New and somewhat fresh

In a little more than 12 hours, I will be in Canada (Yes Ryan, Stephanie and Alex, it is true. How are you guys, by the way?). I've never been to Canada and am eager at the chance to possibly speak French...and buy Canadian candy and pretend that I'm not American for a second or two. The snowboard instructor at Whistler will hopefully teach me a thing or two. As of right now, my skills are horrible!

New layout too. Not quite what I had imagined but a change was needed and I was too lazy to make something spectacular. Plus green is always refreshing. I always feel like I can smell the color green, usually orange too. Brain associations are crazy.

EDIT // To all those having trouble viewing the layout, hopefully things are fixed. Let me know if not.

Soiled bathrobe

Coffee is not a good thing to drink when I am stressed. It make me even more anxious, crazy and sweaty. Bathrobes are also not a good thing for me to wear, let a lone anyone, while using the toilet. Weird things happen. Ehh...

I'm glad for the large window in my room. So much natural light.

I have a tentative blind date. Although the "blind" part once you visit their Myspace. Luckily mine is private, it keeps the mystery.

This is the orchid my parents gave me. Beautiful! Hopefully I can keep it alive long enough for it to grow a stem and bloom.

Foot stench

It's important to listen to that saying, "Never shop when you are hungry." Today I came away with a box of chocolate donettes, dark chocolate covered biscuit cookies, two burritos, chocolate soy milk, chips and ohhh a few healthy things.

The other day I borrowed a friend's sneakers to play tennis and little did I know that they reeked like feet. Foot oder is on my list of "Worst smells in the world." But before I found out, I slipped on my own shoes. A few hours later, I took them off only to discover that my feet and (newly awesome) shoes also reeked! I've been diligently washing my feet and shaking Gold Bond Foot Powder into them, in hopes that the rank smell will dissipate.

Last week I took my gloves out of my school bag, seeing as the weather had changed. But alas, this week has called for the gloves to be put back in the bag for immediate use. Sun...come back!

:)

Since I stopped taking birth control a few weeks ago, I feel so much more...normal! And happier, sexier and vibrant. It probably has something to do with my new look on life as well. No matter what the cause, it is absolutely fabulous. Now I just need a good lay. Please? Please!! They should add "uncontrollable horniness" to the side effects of coming off birth control.

That is all.

New soul

I highly enjoy the T-mobile commercials where the guys tries to leave the perfect message for a girl but is all awkward and funny.

Things with Travis and I are over. Details are unnecessary because it's in the past. I'm leaving behind all of my emotional baggage from the past 2 years and starting fresh (and so clean). No more living in the past. I have a different destination now with more confidence and sass. There will be no more "dating," only serious relationships. I want something with substance and love. This may mean staying abstinent for a while (which is a shame because this sexy body should be getting laid! haha) but it's for my own good. I'm excited to start my new journey. This is the most free I've felt in a long time.

He's thinking (?): "Hey sexy lady, it was nice to know you but I got to move on"

Apparently, it is over with Travis. He's suddenly done a 180 personality change and stopped talking to me despite my efforts. It leaves me utterly confused and hurt. Things between us were so good last term. I want to call him out on it. He can't expect to treat me like that and get away with it. Maybe it is his new party-crazy roommates. Maybe he doesn't have enough balls to say he doesn't want to date exclusively. It could be anything. We probably weren't mean tot be. A part of me thinks I liked him simply because it was an easy way to stop thinking about Don. Travis was my rebound guy. I'm more upset and hurt that yet another "thing" did not unfold into a relationship, and that another guy treated me poorly. I have such horrible luck with men.

I was watching re-runs of Scrubs this evening and JD said, "People weren't meant to be alone." It's true. I sulked for a little bit as I reflected on my own pathetic situation. Single life is not fun. Nor is dating someone who you cannot trust. I have yet to figure out which is worse. At least being single you aren't stressed and paranoid about what your significant other might be doing behind your back.

...But miss waking up to him with his arms around me. His touch made me feel accepted. I hope that sometime we start talking again because I don't want to loose his friendship. And he was hella fun to party with.

Lately I've been feeling very self-conscious. Not so much with my looks but with my personality. I don't know how to explain it but it's fucking weird.

It snowed a couple of inches today and we didn't go out to play. Hopefully it will still be there tomorrow because I desperately want to make a snow angel. It's been years since that's happened!

Also, I will be turning 21 in 6 months and two days! Yeeah.

Date with an ass-plant

The slopes ungraciously welcomed me today. The sun turned to clouds and my smile into screams of frustration. My snowboard glared at me in anger. I scowled back. The mountain against me. No, me against the mountain. Anger at my lack of skill led to inability to enjoy the mountain's beauty. The wind breathed hard. It let out wet snow that met my face like ice. I returned to the truck and found one of my boots had broken. Another sign. I should have stuck to skiing all of these years. At this point in my life, I would've been damn good.

The black shirt I wore on New Year's stained my favorite bra that cost almost $50. What once looked new, now looks dirty and worn. God damn Oxy Clean didn't do a thing.

EDIT // The "Oldies" station has stopped playing "all of your favorite hits from the 50's and 60's" and is now playing shit from the 80's. What the hell?

We're jammin' (and I hope you like jammin' too)

2008...Hangovers are fun. This nasty one didn't go away until 5 this evening. I hippie-danced like crazy last night! Oh it was fantastic. Lately I've taken up socially smoking with a natural substance that is not cigarettes. But one cannot call oneself a real hippie without participating in smoking this herb, I guess. Now I feel the need to get some sort of Bob Marley paraphernalia and hang it up in my room. Maybe a Rasta shrine or two throughout the house. A penis-shaped pipe. Hahaha.

With all this talk of herbs and reggae, I've seemingly forgot about what else there was to blog about.

Mon passeport

All along I thought I was afraid of commitment. But recently I've come to realize it was because I haven't (hadn't..?) found the right person.

After I graduate from my 6-year college plan in 2011 (haha), I want to bum around the world a bit. Colorado, Hawaii, France, Italy, New Zealand, a few months here and there. Career-wise it wouldn't be good but life-wise it would be make perfect sense. I could possibly free-lance interior design. Finding inspiration and taking my designs in new directions from place to place. That would probably turn out to be more along the lines of "starving artist". God I hope I don't cut off my ear (sorry Vincet)!

My passport is itching to be used again. I looked up plane tickets to France during spring break. Round trip: $2,863. Maybe AirFrance isn't the best website to get the ticket.

My cousin got me a cute, knit hat and I'm excited to wear it.

Happy holidays everyone! :)

3 rules of Christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas time until three things happen:

1. A Christmas tree is hand picked and cut fresh from a Christmas tree farm. Then properly decorated the day after.
2. Snowed In by Hanson is played at least once.
3. Home Alone is watched. Home Alone 2 makes it even merrier.

Thus, it does not feel like Christmas.

Hola amigos!

My recent discovery: Mexico is rich with culture. Viejo Mazatlan is alive with art, music, theater and dance. People were bustling through the streets but relaxing in the town squares. The colors are so vivid. The architecture is a worn-in, lively take on old European style. It was all so inspiring. The beaches and sunsets are beautiful yet humble. The sand was littered with all types of shells (I returned with three bags full). An accomplishment was also made on my list of life goals: parasailing. It was so quiet in the sky, with a view for miles. I wanted to go higher!

The crashing waves outside of my window lulled me to sleep each night. The fruit was delicious. I believe I ate avocados, refried beans and chips and salsa almost every day. It was wonderful. :) The people were warm and understanding (mostly) and I found myself genuinely smiling. I somehow became the family linguist and was responsible for speaking broken Spanish. From time to time a few French words escaped my mouth.

This was my first time visiting a less developed country. It was slightly uncomfortable at first, seeing the poor neighbors and witnessing the people who are just trying to get by. I tried to be inconspicuous, wanting to hide from the image of the gringo: rich, pale and touristy. All attempts failed.

The market, oh the market! A crazy mixture of people, produce, cheap knick-knacks, interesting smells and dirty floors. It was much like the roads and it's drivers: chaotic. The are no rules in Mexico, only guidelines. It made me realize the rigidity of industrialized nations. How funny it was that we take things to such extreme and seriousness. Sometimes we forget how to live (love?). Relax. Enjoy. Smile.

I wish to see Travis, even if it was for a minute, to nuzzle my nose into his neck and tell him he is the most handsome man in the world. My playlist is in dire need of new music. Everything on it seems dull. Suggestions?!

"A man is the whole encyclopaedia of facts."

Sometimes it makes me sad and slightly frustrated that I will never be able to know everything there is to know and never be able to ready every book that has ever been written. Anxiety creeps into my stomach as I think of this impossible task. It is disappointing that I will never be able to accomplish this. So, I will try to learn and read as much as I possibly can.

I'm leaving for Mexico tomorrow for what should be a relaxing vacation. Bits of French will most likely slip out of my mouth, "Hola!", "Bonjour! Ca va?". After returning, I hope to spend the rest of winter break volunteering and making time for myself. Work seems unnecessary at the moment, prompted only by self-centered motives. It feels right to help the community and those in need.

What little I know about love

While laying in Travis' bed the other night (man mentioned in recent entries), tightly wrapped in his arms, it suddenly hit me that I actually liked him. I had been blocking these feelings and it had not crossed my mind until that moment. It scared the shit out of me. Since Don, I've become even less affectionate and sentimental and even more bitter [towards love and all things associated]. So as of lately, I've been trying to coach myself, taking baby steps and encouraging intimacy and sensitivity. There is no reason why I should be rejecting a chance for happiness. But it is by body's/mind's natural reaction.

I'm pretty sure Rudy Giuliani has a lisp.

A little M&M: Merlot and marketing

A glass of wine is a nice way to end a meal and eases one into doing homework for the night. A bit of natural mint chocolate chip ice cream a little later will top it off and make the evening absolutely delectable. Add to the mix some classical music.

From the description above, I feel like an old man that should be doing this in a Craftsman style house with an Oriental rug and wearing penny loafers. Not in a beautifully chic room (thanks to myself) wearing ripped jeans and a Roxy sweatshirt that needs to be washed. This is the beauty of college.

...Oh man, this would be even better if I was reading for Art History instead!

Salty nuts, too salty to eat

A can of mixed nuts continues to sit on my dresser. The can was nearly finished weeks ago and all that remains are a few too-salty nuts. I can't make myself throw it away (due to the fact that I love nuts) but I can't get myself to eat them either.

My "to-do" lists always seen to get ignored and pushed to the side. Therefore, I stuck it on my computer but so far it continues to be forgotten. I am good at ignoring things.

I dropped off my ballot on Saturday, it is always exciting to vote. I feel accomplished, not only for voting, but for squishing the elusive bull fly that has been buzzing about our chilly townhouse for the last week (sorry little guy but you had to go). Our townhouse has horrible insulation, thus leaving every room near freezing. The heat is expensive to run, so I try to use it sparingly...when I am desperate.

Guy who was no longer in the running is definitely winning right now. Let's hope he actually makes it. :) I feel if I disclose much more, it will be jinxed. Plus, everyone loves a little suspense.

A purrrrr in my lap

Yes, yes I'm-a-slackin. But for good reason! Our internet is unreliable and school keeps me busy. I joined the student chapter of ASID and am the webmaster for our campus club. At our meeting the other night, everyone looks so well put together, where as I was in jeans and a hoodie. Whoops. Note to self: must dress like a classy, fashionable interior designer at next meeting.

The guy I mentioned in the last blog is no longer in the running, at very most he is in last place. I went on a blind date last week. It was fun, seeing as it was my first one. (There is a kitty in my lap who is purring like a maniac as I'm writing this blog.) According to my friend who set me up, he is really into me. Supposedly I am one of the few people who has ever broken him down and made him sentimental. Aw. Too bad I'm not attracted to him. I never like the ones who are super nice and marked as a "good guy". We're supposed to hang out on Sunday.

My Grandma sent me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It made my day. :) Probably my week too with the way it is going. To add to stress and a dissatisfied love life, both of my roommates have had sex in our apartment except me. This is really unsettling!

The candle I lit is flickering...it is definitely Halloween.

Hello, stranger

It seems like months since my last post but in reality it has only been a few weeks. School is going well, busy but not stressful until this week. My roommates are woonnderrfull. We laugh quite a bit. Already there are at least 50 inside jokes. Ma chambre is coming together and will be near complete once I finish my painting...masterpiece! (Pictures will follow.) I met a boy. Actually, we've known each other for a year but have only recently started to hang out. He's tall and cute, reads books for pleasure and tells me "you're beautiful" in sign language. Hehe. Maybe this will lead to somewhere good for once.

I finally found a name for my Japanese Peace Lilly, Booda (intentional misspelling). Additionally, my three-stemmed "lucky" bamboo is now named Zeus. Everything else I wanted to write has suddenly escaped my mind...

A receipt to the past

I was cleaning my file folder this evening and discovered that receipts brought me back to the time and place of that purchase. The feelings, the mood, the event, the people, even the weather. It is like an unintended diary.

(con't on September 25...)

A friend and I from elementary school met up for dinner the other night. We had not seen each other in over 7 years. After all that time we still found something to laugh and talk about, even shared our liking of the same type of men.

Speaking of men, hardcore partying on Saturday proved that my mojo is oooon (maybe not now that I have a disaster of a hair color, refer below)! Despite the number of guys who wanted to make out with me, I did not kiss any of them. It seemed so disgusting and unfulfilling. It was only fun a few times freshman year. I need something real.

Hair disaster, part 2:
Going back and forth from "fix it" to "keep it," I decided to do the former. She toned it down, in which some of the formerly very blonde highlights turned gray. She then had to strip all of the color toner out of my hair to fix this mistake and re-dye my ENTIRE head. No more natural color, literally! All the fun (but sparse) firey red strands are gone, lost are the abnormally dark browns and the untamed blondes of birth. It now looks like someone pissed on my head. It disgusts me to even glance at it in the mirror. I feel like regurgitating in her face.

A platinum blonde (highlight) life

Lately I've been having very intense dreams, many of which are violent. In my dreams, I angrily yell obscenities to loved ones in raging outbursts, even get into fist fights. Sometimes I wake up with crusty eyes, as if I've been crying. I don't suppress anger during the day, so maybe it is the anxiety of moving and school starting again that has made my dreams become vicious.

It is my last day at home in Eugene before returning to school. So much packing, not enough time! It feels as if this summer went by quicker than any other (but don't we say that every year?). It was a little boring and kind of sad, due to the fact that we didn't go anywhere as a family and the emotional turmoil of a long distance relationship/relationshit.

This afternoon I went to the salon to highlight my hair with blonde in a natural-looking way, just like always. But it is BRIGHT and it is ABUNDANT. I'm supposed to be a cute, natural blonde, not an amateur porn star blonde! There is too much color in the front, framing my face with fake highlights and washing me out. Its saddening because she covered up all of my natural hair color. Now I look like all of the other dumb, blonde bitches.

Hmmm. So I'm excited to go back and party, meet a few boys, flirt a little. Whitney promised that we'd find me some "wiener," even some "romantic wieners". I had no idea such wieners existed. Wiener is a disgusting word. I always associate it with someone jiggling a cold Oscar Meyer wiener, almost as a ritualistic-type dance. Hahaha.

Hopefully Sara and I will go to Prince Puckler's tonight for a delicious ice cream sundae. You haven't experienced life until you've had one of their sundaes.

Goodbye left shoe, float on downstream

The layout is completed and links are working! Blogger has wonderful features. The only thing that saddens me is the fact that I don't have a "Quotes" section anymore. Maybe I should create it as one large blog post...because I do love me a good quote.

Yesterday was a hot summer afternoon as Katie and I climbed upon our innertube to float down the McKenzie River. The weight difference was not ideal for sharing such a flotation device. Needless to say, we got stuck on rocks and couldn't properly paddle our way through without spinning in circles. At the beginning of our adventure I lost my right flipflop by kicking our way off the bank. But 20 minutes downstream, my shoe appeared! It proved to be elusive as we came an arm's length away several times and could never catch the darn thing. It is now lost in the infinite abyss of the river. (And I feel guilty for "littering".)

The other day at work, one of the chefs gave me a scoop of ice cream and asked how it was. A delighted smile appeared on my face, as he compared it to a smile one has right after sex. The satisfaction of good sex and good food is very similar.

It seems as if Don as already moved on to another girl (thank you facebook for allowing me to be stalkerish). I was replaced. Just as I replaced the one before me. I feel alright now but if I ever see him again, I know it will hurt a little. Besides, I deserve much better than him.

PS: Feed should now be available. :) Link is located at the bottom right-hand side.

There's a lot of "almosts" out there

After difficulties with the eidas.org server, I've (temporarily) moved to blogspot. Images and links will be fixed accordingly within the next few days.

To sum up what you've been missing the past few weeks (Alex, Stephanie and Ryan...my loyally insane readers):

-Don and I broke up. He was "kind of" seeing other girls. Coward. I knew from the beginning this would happen but I decided to follow for heart instead of my head for once. What we had was definitely fun (but quite possibly lacking substance), so I hold no ounce of regret. Luckily my heart isn't broken, just fractured and bleeding. I already miss him so much and it completely hurts because I still care about him. It is really painful to know could do that to me, after all of our good memories. Time will heal this. And hopefully someone better will come along. Hopefully one day he'll realize what/who he lost.

The day/night that we hung out before things ended, The Doors were playing in the background. "The End" came on. As the lyrics "This is the end, beautiful friend, this is the end, my only friend" spoke softly through the speakers, it hit me in the deepest pit of my stomach because I knew it was the end. Holding his body through the rest of the song, dread filled mine as I knew it was only a matter of time before we wouldn't be looking into each other's eyes for too much longer.

-I found bedding, woohoo! The sheets are organic and the duvet is cotton sateen with an intricate, pasley print-esque design.

-I was reading my diary from high school the other night and god damn, I was fucking hilarious! Severely lonely and depressed, but funny nonetheless.

I actually bought Hanson's new album, The Walk and was met with a wonderful surprise--approval! It is better than Underneath. My favorite songs are leaning towards "Tearing it Down", "Running Man" and of course "The Walk". It is refreshing to hear Zac's voice...not that I am bias or anything. :) Oh it is so fun being a Hanson fan again, heh. If only they were coming to the Northwest on their tour because that would be quite fun and energizing. Hanson concerts are always a good time.

If I was an animal, I'd love to be an elephant, especially a baby elephant. It seems like a good life.

I keep dreaming of moving back to Corvallis and how much happier I'd be. Only a little over a month before it happens. It's not that I'm sad here, I'm just not super happy. Only average. Not that I am complaining because this summer has been great, seeing many friends and having adventures along the way. Sometimes I wish I could enjoy the moment and stop envisioning the near future.

For the past year or so, I've been trying to find some new bedding. The search has recently intensified but all shopping efforts have proved fruitless. I am too picky...with everything.

Updated: Quotes (Photo gallery?...hm, yeah. Coming soon.)

New layout! It was meant to be published sooner but oh well. I really wanted to get the photo gallery up and working as well but lack the time and willingness to fix the kinks.

I still spend the majority of my days inside, at the restaurant, becoming more melancholy as days go by without frolicking in the sun. It adds insult to injury when it constantly lacks traffic. They need to somehow figure out a way to lure customers in (cure our boredom, please!). And Don is leaving soon to fight forest fires for two months. Now my days are going to be sunless and lonely.

As of two days ago, I am no longer a teenager. I feel like I should reflect on my teenage years but am plagued by a writing/thought block. The twenty's shall be much better.

I'm working all day, everyday. When I get home, the days activities are done and there is no time for fun in the sun. My longing for the freedom of the "sunshiney" outdoors grows stronger as my skin becomes paler with each passing day I am cooped up serving burritos. My eating schedule has been thrown off due to work. This is one of the most unsettling parts because I strongly dislike eating at random, weird times throughout the day. It is throwing my body off and is most likely continuing my insomnia.

All this work for money. Really. It is not worth it. To waste life like this. Beautiful days gone by without a smile in the sun. All of this money...for what? To buy things? So empty. It feels better to give and to share my rewards. I want to save some for traveling, "my travel fund" from here on out.

EDIT // I created a recycle bin at work. It killed me inside a little each time something recyclable was thrown away. Also, I'm tired of using my fake nice voice and fake smile. It's not good for the face or persona once "normal" life resumes outside the restaurant.

Lately I've developed the bad and annoying habit of cracking my knuckles. I usually only do it when nervous/uncomfortable or bored. I've also been flirting a lot for no apparent reason. Which is very uncharacteristic because I am not the flirty type, nor do I ever instigate it. Maybe its for attention...because I'm certainly not getting much of it from Don. We are drifting apart but hopefully not losing interest.

The people at my new work are crazy! It makes it enjoyable because I am crazy too. I'm becoming more and more comfortable as a waitress but 6+ hours on concrete floors is draining, even with good shoes. The food is pretty tasty too. It is a "higher class" Mexican cuisine, instead of using refrieds they use black beans, etc.

I realized another one of my greatest fears today: getting locked inside a walk-in refrigerator (or freezer). The door at work sticks and every time I use it, a rush of panic surges through my body and my mind envisions me forever stuck in the walk-in fridge.

Downloading classic rock reminds me of how much I wish I would've been alive at this age through the 60's and 70's. The music, movements and the lifestyle seems to fit me. I would've been the greatest hippie ever.

I read not too long ago that seeing a spider before midnight is good luck, while seeing one after is bad. I saw two in my room today, one before midnight and the other after...hopefully this means I'll have neutral luck.

My abs have been looking very toned lately. I'm not really doing anything. I think its in correlation with all the sex. But that hasn't happened for a couple of weeks due to our distance. I miss him. A lot. He is always on my mind, whether in the back or front. Let us be true...

I've been having trouble sleeping. So last night in hopes to cure the insomnia, I found a few Hindu symbols for tattooing. The intricate yet flowing details are beautiful. Everything about Hinduism has always intrigued me. Maybe I was a Hindu in a past life. Anyway, I would like to find a tattoo artist with extensive knowledge of Hinduism, so as to find a symbol, meaning and all, that suits me best.


Beauty in a line

Previous attempts to grow house plants and flowers have turned into failures, as I coined myself with having a brown thumb (as opposed to green...not like that other kind of brown, euuhh). But miraculously my thumb isn't so brown after all! By some twist of fate, I have three thriving house plants. One is a Japanese Peace Lilly (currently nameless, poor guy), which has at least doubled in size since November; second is a Dieffenbachia named Stimpy; third is bamboo which has three shoots to symbolizes happiness.

Do you have a pair of shoes that you always trip in? I wore that particular pair today. I tripped like three times, it never fails!

Today I also saw a Jamaican-looking guy downtown on a "low-rider" bicycle. It had a freaking huge stereo system attached to a cart the back, appropriately blasting Reggae. I can't even explain it, it was so amazing. It was so out of place, yet I admired the guy for his boldness. I wanted to stop and ask all sorts of questions. It would suck if he wanted to stop somewhere and had to lock up his bike...someone would definitely steal it! Or at least get a piece or two off of it.

My make-shift computer stand, consisting of the La-Z-Boy arm chair, is going to give me carpal tunnel. The problem with setting the laptop on my lap is the that bottom heats up quickly, thus making for a pair of very hot legs. It burns. And pillows won't do the job. The heat soaks through the thin ones and the keyboard is too high on the fluffy ones. What to do...what to do?

The day the restaurant opens and I start work has been pushed back another week. Leaving me a little less than 7 days to continue siting in a puddle of pure boredom. My mind is restless from lack of activity and stimulation. My friends work during the day, leaving only nights as a respite from my house. Being at home is not fun. Since my parents operate their business from home, they are always here, surrounding me. There is so much negative energy. It's suffocating. It leaves me annoyed and bitter.

EDIT // I researched my birth control, Aviane, online and found that other people have the same intense emotional symptoms as I (anger, depression, anxiety, along with decreased appetite, acne, etc.). This explains so much! I need to get off this shit and find something better...fast.

I think I'm suffering from a slight bit of paranoia. There's not just one paranoia but a multitude of fears and anxieties. I would create a list but feel like it would add to my already semi-crazed thoughts. Oh geez! Maybe a little meditation is needed to clear and calm the mind.

A new layout and completed photo gallery is coming within the next week or so.

And so, Ashley's saga of bad luck and misfortune continues. Last night I decided that I definitely need to drive up to see Don for a serious talk and possibly a "break up". It is always such a terrible emotional roller coaster with him, I've never cried about a man so much in my life. It is not healthy. The recent lies, omissions of facts and the "I don't want to be exclusively with you" vibes are enough. It has driven me past the point of crazy and into a neurotic, angry psycho.

This summer, the suffering must end and and revival of happiness must be met. A true happiness. A deep happiness that lasts forever.

EDIT // Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers Baseball team for winning another National Championship! Back-to-back...that's right bitches.

Someday, I want to get a big, hairy dog. Maybe something like a Newfoundland. There is something about a big, huge, cuddly dog that I love. I would also like to get a pot belly pig, especially for training purposes. And you know I would dress it up like that!

The family and I took a wonderful trip to the Oregon coast this afternoon. It had to be one of the most gorgeous, busiest days that I have ever seen. If you ever have a chance, visit the thunderous waves of Devil's Churn. There are lots of nooks and cranies to explore.

My job as a server at a newly opened restaurant starts in a week. As a first time waitress, I am hoping that I will have enough pep to last through my shifts so as to collect an extraordinary amount of tips. And hey, I even get to serve beer! Yeeah.

Something is making me depressed and putting me into a horribly foul mood, especially while at my house and around the parents. It feels like a combination of PMS, birth control and stress. Stress due to the fact of my distrust in Don. I suspect Don is/was dating other girls behind my back. Well maybe not dating but at least hanging out with them and omitting the fact that he is. I feel threatened. My heart can't take much more hurt from use and abuse.

I've decided that this whole "love" thing is not for me. The romantic, relationship scene is not my scene. I've always hated those questions, "Have you ever been in love?" or "Who was your first love?". A brick falls to my stomach as I think, "it is hard to love when no one has loved you back." Now I will proceed to live a loveless, lonely life, becoming a haggard old lady who lives in the forest and grooms her rock garden diligently...

EDIT // Or simply, I am lovesick.

No more first apartment. No more freedom of late nights and boys. No more crappy meals! While unpacking I noticed that all of my things still smell like our apartment. I already miss that place, it had molded into our space. I'm uncomfortable with being home, away from the surroundings of Corvallis, away from Don. He was such a sweetheart yesterday, helping me clean and move all of my stuff. We agreed to keep "casually dating" but without seeing other people. That was the best decision in our situation but it will be a long three months until my return. I must work and play very much so as to keep from being down.

Now I must create my yearly "Summer To-Do" list full of adventures. Ideas are welcome! So far:
- Running, Tennis, Yoga, exercises with the fit ball
- Paint, scrapbook, random crafting
- Hike, bike, float the river
- Trips up to Portland and Corvallis
- Volunteer, donate clothes
- Try new recipes and expand recipe library, BBQ
- Pick fruit and veggies
- Continue speaking French with Whitney over the phone
- Maybe fall in love :)

This list makes my life sound kind of pathetic. haha

Our apartment is no longer ours. Sierra just took off and I am left with an empty apartment of boxes and a few scattered pieces of furniture. Moving out and goodbyes are always so sad. I don't really know what to do, its so lonely. Hopefully I will see Don tonight before he comes over tomorrow to help me move. Meaning, he will be meeting my parents...Aaaand this is the point where I freak out!

I want to be with him but I wonder if our connection is strong enough to last the summer. We should have spent more time together in the past three months to strengthen our bond. Maybe I am underestimating our power but it will simply be if we want it to and if we try. This is not just a "spring fling".

Edit // Right after Don agreed to hanging out tonight, he said he have to cancel because he didn't get much sleep last night and was tired from moving and work, but will "be here early to help me move!". He knows it is my last night here! I had to ask to spend the night because I didn't want to stay in my lonely apartment. I think I'm in the process of being thrown to the curb and it really hurts.

What is so wrong with me that I am never good enough for anyone? What is so wrong with me that no guy ever truly wants to be with me? Is is really too much to ask for care and love in return?

PS: Subway napkins don't make good tissues.

My specialty: making a fool of myself and screwing things up at the same time.

It seems as if Don is avoiding the subject of being exclusive. I'm so scared that if I bring it up, he'll say he doesn't want to be with me. This is the first time in my life that I've been completely sure about wanting someone. I don't want this to be another "Ryan" ordeal where I give him an ultimatum, it shouldn't be like that. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is the one who should be doing something.

...Things will work out the way they are supposed to. Until then, my stomach will be in knots and my stress level will be ever-rising, as I am lost in a world of dreams.

Inspired by Ryan's many posts about budgeting, I've decided to cut unnecessary spending and decrease the amount of "necessities". Inspiration also comes from my checking account with $1.02. Great job!

This school year is coming to a close in the next two weeks and I am freaking the fuck out. What am I going to do without Don?! Even thinking about leaving makes me emotional. God, I am such a wimp. We still haven't established what we are even though it has been almost 3 months. It makes it especially hard because we are so busy with finals that there is not much free time to spend together. I can't deal with this right now. :(

I get annoyed when awoken from a nap. Especially when then the noise continues, making it virtually impossible to fall back asleep.

Je veux ensemble avec lui.

It is official, one of my works was selected to be showcased at the main building on campus. I'm practically famous now. Ha. :)

We finally found a townhouse for next year, it is perfect--spacious, affordable and relatively new.

As with Don, when I talk about him an unconscious smile appears on my face that won't go away even if I try. I don't want to go back home for the summer...this month and part of next needs to last as long as possible. But the days are quickly slipping away through our fingers.

I can't stop eating the chocolate almond bark my mom and I made over the weekend. I have no self control at the moment.

The sun lifts your spirits, it even makes you feel prettier (I feel pretty, so pretty, and briiiight!).

I can't sleep due to the excitement and inspiration of finally figuring out what I want to do for my final project in my first introductory design course. If only there was such thing as a 24-hour craft store. The feeling of being inspired unleashes my happiness and relieves all stress. I feel free and unrestrained. "In-the-artistic-mode" is something that you cannot describe, only feel...just like many other things in life. I also think my artwork has made it into a gallery on one of the main buildings on campus...

Whitney says I have it bad for Don, and I have to admit that she is right. Or at least I am half-way there. :)

PS: When is "The Walk" being released in the US?

The trash can was overflowing this afternoon, which is a common occurrence in our home despite all efforts to recycle. I lifted the bag and wearily tied it, gagging at the scent of rotting garbage and the discovery of liquid mold at the bottom. I washed it out and left it on the porch to dry in the heat of the day. Retrieving it tonight, I gazed at the stars for a few seconds as cars drove by on the busy street. Star gazing while all other civilization is in a bustle is somewhat lonely. It made me feel disconnected to the world and all other beings. Shutting myself back into the great indoors, I came upon this thought:

Doesn't it seem pointless to have a lock on a screen door? I believe they are there merely to give people a false sense of security.

I actually went to the gym this afternoon. It has been many-a-weeks since a good work out has happened, especially since last term it was my second home. My poor muscles are out of shape (while typing this as I'm eating a cookie heh...).

My mom asked me yesterday when she came to to visit if I would like to go to Europe this summer. Oh YESSS! Je parlerai Français quand nous serons en France! Ouuuiiii. She also surprised me with a 3-stemmed bamboo plant symbolizing happiness, which I have a lot of lately. My life feels so much better with Don. People shouldn't make your break your happiness, but they do. I want to be around him all the time, touch him and hold him. To be in his arms as we laugh about something stupid. Slowly it is happening.

EDIT // "Quotes" was added to the content.

Stress mania this week! Too much of midterms, reading, assignments, and finding a place to live next year. The stress of all of this and more has manifested itself on my face as a large, painful zit.

With Don, things are going well but our status is still up in the air. I'm taking it lightly, in hopes that one day it will be a mutual understanding that we are together. For some reason that scares me because visions of what happened with Ryan flash through my head.

So much to do and so little time. Less school and more free-time...that only happens in dreams.

After what you feel like is a thorough and complete brushing, only to your dismay a few minutes later, you find remaining plaque. How can one get rid of all plaque without the use of an electric toothbrush (annoying sound, no vibrators in my mouth...thanks)? Is there is certain toothbrush that will aid with better results? Or is it all in the wrist? I'm sure after proper technique, one would have almost-perfectly clean teeth.

My dental hygienist once told me that people who are right-handed brush more thoroughly on the left side of their mouth, and vice versa. The technique would have to include use of both hands. But in what kind of motions--scrubbing, rubbing, circulating, turbulating, a combination of all and more?

Oh Don, how much he makes me laugh. I'm constantly smiling and laughing when he's around. It seems like things are back to normal between us, if even better. :) Tonight was perfect, short but sweet.

Now I must take a quick adventure to the grocery store for an emergency stock up of ice cream. Earlier tonight, shortly after Don left, I got out a dish and spoon only to open the freezer to find it was void of ice cream. Such a disappointment. Now I can't stop thinking of ice cream. It is hindering me from studying.

I'm crying so hard right now that my whole body aches and my hands are shaking. Why is it that I always have to fall for the men who don't treat me right and see how amazing I am? Why is it that I never feel good enough for any guy? Why do I have to be passionate and get so emotionally invested?

Now my whole body is shaking. My heart aches as is becomes more broken. From every man. From every soul that has used or hurt me.

An eternal hurt that will always be there. I can't take this anymore.

I just made the best turkey chili, basically by scratch too. I also ate it out of my favorite bowl, which made it that much better. My cooking skills really are advanced for a poor, inexperienced college student. I at least had to brag on my blog; if only you guys could smell and taste it.

And with Don? It has been amazing. I overreacted that one day (PMS). It would be nice to know what we are though. Here we go again...

My house plants are currently thriving *knock on wood*. College has cured me of my brown thumb (not like that) and has given me the green thumb to beautify our apartment with leafy, organic life.

I love a nice, cold high-quality beer. But then again, who doesn't?

Don really is an ass hole.

What a fucking tool.

I am so much better than that.

The end.

In an attempted to see what Don would do during this week apart, I've not called or texted him. Instead, I left it up to him do the work...and well, he has. Last night he told me that he missed me (aww). That's not something you'd expect after hanging out only two times. Maybe this is a sign for good things to come. :) I really can't wait to see him, then again I almost don't want Spring Break to end. Spending time with my friends and family without a worry of school or work is absolutely fabulous.

In his latest email, my TA (refer to previous entry) asked me out to coffee sometime. Heh. What is with me getting all these men lately? I like it.

I got a new phone today, to replace the old P.O.S., but the iTunes feature is not compatible with Mac. You think it would be considering iTunes is an original of Apple. Balls.

Katie and I went shopping today, where I splurged on a black leather BCBG purse: stylish but classic with an irresistible hot pink lining.

My foreign Math Teaching Assistant from this past term, whom I had an undying crush on, just emailed me to see how I was doing and if I did well in the class (cute). I meant visit him during office hours, purely with the means to seduce him (hehe) but never got the chance. I would see him random places around town, Starbucks, walking home on a Friday night with pounds of math books and homework to do. He is adorable.

I cannot wait to get back to school and see Don (Mr. Slightly-Punk). Plus this term should be wonderful. Spring term is always a good one with the flowers, sun and good spirits.

PS: It was Unpredictable's 6th fucking birthday on Feb. 25. I was like what...12, 13 years old? Jesus Christ!

EDIT // I would also like to mention something about a new fad that is sweeping the nation (maybe the world...my fellow Canadians, I would like your input): the fashion sneaker. Quite comfortable yet fashionable and colorful. At first I was against the trend but have come to love it once I reluctantly joined in. Also, "sneaker" is on my list of "All Time Favorite Words of the English Language".

OH. LA. LA. (Yes, a dramatic French "Oh la la" is direly needed in this case). More later on this certain subject *mr.slightlypunkomgheisamazing*. I don't want to say any more and jinx it.

One final down, two more to go and more than half of a 6x6, 1 lb. fudge brownie eaten solely by me. Opps. :) And what's even better is that strawberries were on sale 2 for 1! A brownie and strawberries makes a wonderful snack(s).

Mr. Slightly-Punk redeemed himself. But like any female, I played hard to get and we aren't hanging out until after finals (even though he suggested tonight). Ha. By playing hard/very hard to get, females assume that if the male really wants you he will keep trying, and if not then he wasn't that into you in the first place (great book, by the way). Maybe this isn't true but most of us females like to believe so.

I was also asked on another date by a guy whom I lived with in the dorms last year. Heh, I must be radiating some sort of single card. Or maybe I am just that smokin. Yes, yes, that is it.

During the upcoming Spring Break, I feel that a longing to finally create and post the "Photo Gallery" will gracefully fall upon me, so as to provide you with joyous moments in my life.

PS: Why is it that somehow I end up talking about food in every other blog?

The date with Mr. Slightly-Punk went very well, amazing actually. He is freaking hilarious, so much so that I accidently snorted while laughing. Whoops. One of the best parts is that I can truly show him my real (dorky) personality. We have another date this weekend. I'm hoping that he is the change that I need.

The flowers are blooming. The sun is shining. There is finally life on campus. People are actually outside enjoying the beauty of nature instead of hovering inside, fearing it's wrath.

Finals=next week=procrastination=much eating of chocolate=I better get all A's.

Edit // Mr. Slightly-Punk is a tool. I think he was going to blow me off tonight until I called him. I don't know what to do, I've never been blown off before! WTF, asshole.

A Little Moment, A Little More Happiness
Best. Day. Ever. When someone asks for your number it always brightens your day:

Sierra and I were working out at the gym, lifting free weights and getting sooo buff. I noticed the abnormally number of attractive males, one in particualy who was dressed slightly punk (my weakness). We innocently eyed each other as I thought to myself, "I wish I was brave enough to talk to him." Later we attempted an ab workout called the "prayer" and for some reason I couldn't get in the correct form. A muscley, preppy and obvious gym rat showed me ther right form and later asked if he could join us haha. We left after that.

Walking out of the gym, out of the corner of my eye I see Mr. Slightly-Punk running around the track. I try to mumble something to Sierra, "that's him" as he comes running toward me, with full concentration on me. And like a scripted movie, he says something like, "I know this is kind of weird, but can I have your number to call you sometime?" HOLY SHNIT! Yes! I was very energetic and nice (according to Sierra). All I really remember is concentrating and trying so hard not to shake as I was writing my number down. That moment seems so clear in my head. This is what I needed. A little pick me up, a little hope. Even if he doesn't call (which he will be *crazy* not to), it will still make me smile.

That afternoon at Safeway, I tried to pay for my groceries with my OSU ID card. The checker said that it made his day haha. The small moments are always the ones that make you the happiest.

Isn't it funny how there are so many ups in downs in life? Right now, it is definitely an up--a stark contrast from a few days ago when I felt hopeless and alone. This afternoon, my roommie and did a little shopping. I got cute shirts on sale, one of which says "Peace Forever" and a small but cheerful indoor plant for my room. We made a quick stop at the quaint downtown Starbucks, where I ran into my TA who I have an undying, girly crush on. I can't resist a smart, funny, foreign man who also speaks French (in addition to his native language (Moroccan). He was SO nervous and twitchy when I was talking to him, it was absolutely adorable.

I'm getting addicted to coffee. Mochas, yuumm. I'm excited because now my mom and I can go out for coffee. I changed my major. More specifically, I added one--Interior Design. Yes, I'm doing it! It will mean four more years of schooling but its worth it. So now I'm double majoring in Business and Interiors, most likely with a minor in French. Sometimes I make too lofty of goals for myself but I know I can do it. I plan to offer eco-friendly design solutions, like opting for bamboo instead of rare rain forest woods, materials and products with low amounts of chemicals, etc.

My roommate is wonderful. We're always cracking each other up, making up the most random funny things to laugh at. Its such good medicine :). We can also talk of serious matters, which makes for a great balance.

I feel like something "incroyable" is going to happen very, very soon.

I discovered the most mouth-watering ice cream in the WORLD--Ben and Jerry's "The Gobfather". It is a delicious blend of rich chocolate ice cream, chocolate coated almonds and swirled with marshmallow cream. In this particular carton, the marshmallow cream and chocolate had slightly melted together, creating a beautifully creamy taste of goodness. It is THE BEST ice cream I've ever had, hands down.

By the way, I was tempted to put the above paragraph in caps.

The guy my cousin is trying to hook my up with looks like Nathan from One Tree Hill. It's quite enjoyable. :) I've been working out a lot and my abs, butt and thighs are like rocks. Hello definition, nice to meet you (again). Its been a while.

Relevant, random updates from the life that tingles with every touch, transferred to the blog that makes you hang on every word:

• My Mustang (Luke) is no longer a Purebred. The dented bumper from the accident was generic (can you hear the disdain in my voice?). This is slightly saddening. At least he still looks sexy. PS: I had separation anxiety for 2 days while while we apart. I'm really pathetic. He's the only stable man in my life, what can I say?


• My grandma underwent surgery for amputation of her leg because of gangrene. She is recovering well so far. I'm still having a difficult time wrapping my head around this, or dealing with it, really. The word amputation conjures images of the civil war and I shiver. It's scary.


• I really do love my friends so much. The subtle things they do make you feel so good. :)


• On Wednesday, I'm going to volunteer orientation at the Humane Society. AHHH (this word comes up as "AHOY" in spell check hahaha yesss). Puppies and kitties!!! I'll pretty much fall in love there.


• Ryan attempted to talk to me the other day...Through texts BRAGGING about himself. It was disgusting. A guy in my business class freakishly reminds me of him, almost like they could be long lost brothers. Its kind of creepy but hot at the same time. I want him.


• I felt like I was 10 years-old all day today, it was quite great actually. Cheery, way too dorky, in a constant motion of dance. In fact, it is still continuing to this very moment.


• I'm changing my major to interior design tomorrow. I'm freaking excited. Je serai INCROYABLE!

It just so happens that I picked out the juiciest, ripest, most delicious pineapple EVER on the face of the earth. Slicing this succulent tropical fruit of the gods (if its not a fruit of the gods, then shame on them), my mouth waters in anticipation. I let out a loud orgasmic "MMMmmm!!" as the sugary goodness melts in my mouth. With each proceeding bite, a delightful feeling overwhelms my body as more "mmmmm"s unconsciously escape. I do a little thispineappleisdeliciousi'msofuckinghappy dance and decide at that very moment that pineapple is one of the most amazing fruits ever.

A bout of loneliness has swept over me this past week. I haven't felt alone like this in a while. So many people depend on me, I'm tired and worn of helping and listening to others babble on about their problems or good fortune. It seems like everyone is too caught up in their own issues to ask how I am. I have all this love that I want to share with someone but no one to share it with. I'm giving and giving but not receiving. So in turn this love, this undirected love, turns into an extreme amount of loneliness. Maybe I should put some of it towards myself.

I don't even know what it takes to make me content anymore. I'm not unhappy with myself, just unhappy with things around me. My life isn't really progressing, only school, sleep and eat. Nothing to make it better or amazing. I should be happy with my surroundings but it seems so blah that I can't make an effort to genuinely laugh. It's like I'm floating through the days, not fully digesting the beauty of life. The absence of people has also exacerbated the situation. An out-of-the-way apartment is such a contrast to the busy dorms of last year. I like alone time but not for all the time. My life has become so predictable and boring. That's it, I am bored with everything.

Now I feel a slight relief knowing that I am not insanely unhappy. Just bored.

Edit // I feel *much* better now that Marie and I had our little "dinner date". I have hope in life, partly because I pretty much rock at cooking lol. Making new recipes is super fun. At this very second I've decided to make one new recipe per week.