Happy New Year every one. :) I wish you all the best for 2007!
Ryan's gone psycho one me. Eeks.
Work is great (despite the clothes-folding). The people love me and I love them. I am so thankful for their generosity. I need to become more giving.
I like coffe but it makes me jittery/twitchy and slightly crazy.
Its always scary driving around New Year's Eve with all the drunk drivers. Stupidity.
I can't find the right bra with wear with my shirt tonight.
I'm wearing bright pink socks, its amazing.
Life is great.

For years, I've wanted to do something to help people and affect their lives. I wish I had millions of dollars to give to charity. I wish I had a stronger stomach to be a nurse, even a doctor. I wish I was good with large groups of kids to be a teacher. I've always felt like nuturing and comforting people. Then I realized last night that I could do that on a smaller scale by being a mom. I need to start volunteering again, too. Maybe there is some profession out that where I could provide nuturance to many. Any ideas?

Logan didn't fit my car, so I changed it's name to Luke. Its much more fitting, seeing as it is a sexy dark blue Mustang (2002). Must post pictures of it sometime. I haven't had any galmour shots with it yet.

My Grandma might be dying, she fell the other night and isn't doing well. She's 94 so I kind of thought she would live forever, you know? My mom is going up to see her tomorrow. I want to as well but fucking work has me scheduled all day...work isn't important, I want to see her. I feel guilty because I haven't seen her since August or so. We are only two hours apart so its not that hard to make the time. Why do we have so many regrets when people die or are on the verge of dying? Ryan needs to hold me and tell me its going to be okay.

I'm waiting for something or someone to change my life.

I feel so predictable lately. I'm stuck in a rut, doing the same things, eating the same things, thinking about the same things. I want to be more spontaneous and change things up a little bit. People get so comfortable and stuck in their ways and before they even realize it, its too late to change...I don't want to get this deep.

I saw Ryan last night. I told him the short version of why things weren't working and why I was frustrated. He is one of the most stubborn, unable to communicate people I've ever met. He said something about emotions and attachment and how it doesn't other him--if I wanted "to just be friends and fool around" that would be completely fine by him. Yeah the sex is great but no, HELL no! I told him I don't do that, it just ends up hurting me. "But what do you do when you get horny?" Fucking A. He and I have always been about sexual attraction and always will be. Why do I constantly try to make something more of it? I keep hoping that we'll connect on a higher level, although that will never happen. He's not serious and I am. I shouldn't have given him a second chance. I should've left the break up the way it was. I need to let go.

I can't come back home this summer. It would save money but I can't be in this household with my father's yelling and his negative energy. It punctures my soul to be around a person who doesn't love life. Being back for break reminds me of the verbal and emotional abuse that I left when I went away to college. He doesn't understand what's important in life. To him, life is business and business is life. No; people, friendships, relationships, love, nature, becoming a true and good human being, etc. are the most important things in life. My life is going to be beautiful, not bitter like so many other's in this world. And you know what? My life is already beautiful.

Ryan and I might be getting back together?! More on this later...

Commenters: <3 for Alex and Stephanie

EDIT // My horoscope said today "If something breaks down, this could be a sign that it needs to be eliminated from your life as you clean up your act and get ready for what's next." Maybe this is a sign for what's coming in a few days when me and Ryan "talk".

At work last night, Ryan didn't talk to me at first but then started semi-flirting. What the crap? I'm not sad anymore...just horny (all I can think about is good makeup sex) and disappointed at his low maturity level.

The lights keep dimming in my room. I can't tell if its really the lights or my eyes. Maybe I'm going crazy. Oh heck, that's already affirmative! I keep tossing and turning so much during the night, that my sheets are on the floor every morning and I wake up wrapped in the comforter.

I want someone to hold me and hug me--a big strong man. That's why I liked Ryan's body. He was so muscular and manly feeling. Aesthetically he was a man but mentally he was a child.

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. They came out kind of small, like bite-sized except a little bigger. It makes me feel like I can eat more of them because of their petit size.

EDIT // I think it would be fun to have a pig, they are just sooo freaking cute that it's hard to handle. It would also be fun to meet Will Smith. My phone is lonely now that it doesn't receive texts from that guy anymore. At least I'll save money on the phone bill...that is a good way to look at it.

Ryan and I broke up last night. I was hoping that since we hadn't seen eachother in so long the chemistry would appear again. No luck. Nothing was there. As the night went on it felt wrong and forced to be affectionate with him. On the way back from the movie theater all I could think about was how wrong we were for eachother and how badly this wasn't working. I wanted to break up before I left but I couldn't do it. Instead I gave him and measly hug and a peck on the lips as I tried so hard to drive away without crying.

Later he texted me something like, "Why won't you get close to me? You're the most unaffectionate girl I've ever met." I told him the connection was gone and I don't feel the same way about him anymore. He agreed and said we should "just stop". I called him a few times after that but he wouldn't pick up his phone, instead resorting to texts (like fucking always) telling me he just wanted me to be happy and that I probably already have other guys in mind that aren't like him. No no no.

I cried. I cried silently for a long time. I didn't want it to end this way. All I want to do is talk to him. Damn him and his stubborn ass.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Not anger, maybe sadness mixed with the emotion of losing a friend (I hope to God we can still be friends because I can't imagine life without him. I think that is all we were destined to be).

EDIT // I feel so alone and lost, a deep melancholy has struck me. My first fucking boyfriend and nice guy and I can only keep him for two months.

EDIT #2 // Big, plastic nativity scenes that people prop up in their front lawns for the holidays are not only tacky but kind of creepy. There's something about poorly-painted plastic holy people that just isn't right.

Winter break, so lovely. Friends, sleep, food, Christmas lights (my favorite part of xmas. oh, and the smell too), holiday joys...then there is work and all those joys that come with working retail. People make too much of buying gifts. I would rather have a homemade card with a letter written from the heart than a random gift found at the mall. Maybe something small and very thoughtful to go with it, a gift specially catered to me. Too many presents are impersonal these days.

I received my first college 4.0 this term. I should've had it a couple of times last year but some teachers thought differently. Also, I bought a new blow drier the other day. I really like how it dries my hair but its SO loud. It sounds like I'm firing up a jet engine each time I use it.

I've been thinking--if I were an animal, I'd definitely be a wolf. They are amazing and beautiful creatures.

I ate a worm last night. It came from the boxed brownies we made, cooked worm as a weird texture. I thought I was going to barf so I washed it down the sink but two seconds later I realized I could've kept it for evidence and sued for thousands! Dang.

Ryan and I almost broke up this weekend. I got angry at his lack of effort, attention and seriousness. Amongst many things, I told him he is my number one. He said I shouldn't do that because he is his number one. At that point I felt the words forming in my head but I coudln't get them out of my mouth. Somehow he talked me out of it but its still unresolved (for me at least). When winter break starts, I want to take time apart so he can have time for himself, moving and starting his now job/career. I can't deal with a selfish person right now. I deserve more care and attention than that--which I don't think is too much to ask because I give the same in return.

I've had a re-occuring dream that I'm swimming in a pond that turns into a nasty swamp with scary water creatures and a slimy bottom. Once I get past that, the water is clear and scenery is beautiful. But the other night I had the same dream and the passage to the beauty was blocked off by a metal gate. What could this mean?

Mint Oreos are DELICIOUS.

I feel conflicted. Its always so up and down with Ryan. When we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I get all these strong feelings and I feel like I can't live without him. But this weekend when we spent time together, those feelings disappeared and I was left with annoyance and doubt, wondering why in the hell we were together. The attraction and special bond was gone. I feel like the distance and sex is the only thing keeping us together.

Speaking of sex, did you know that 80% of women don't/can't orgasm during sex? Those poor women, how the fuck do they survive?! Because it really is one of the best things in life.

Its hard to be away from Katie. Ever since 9th grade we've been close and saw eachother almost everday. Now that I'm not in Eugene anymore we don't talk as much and I really miss her. Although, when we do talk it is forver and it feels so good. I feel like a whole person again. Isn't it weird how (best) friendships can affect a person so much?

EDIT // The guitar Sarah gave me for free is fucking vintage; from the 60s/70s. Freaking sweet. I think it needs some new strings....and some lovin.

I've decided that sometime next year I will do a study abroad to France in the intensive language program. Then the following year, my senior year, I will go to Sweden as apart of the business degree (major=business, minor=French). I've picked Sweden to visit my roots, plus there has been so many good reviews about it.

Also, I would like to have a cafe (Cafe Dior..omfg, I love it). I might do a two-year interior design program at an art school if I feel restless and the longing need for creativity.

Ryan is wonderful. We talk more consistently and he's doing the calling too (finally). Since I am back in town, I want to spend all of my time with him but that is utterly impossible because my parents don't know about him. I need to bring it up in stages instead of dropping the bomb that I am dating someone 6 years older. I've always thought of myself as sexually open, which I am...with others. But when it comes to Ryan I am shy and unimaginativeve. I don't know why. Maybe because I am intimidated by his experience and forwardness. Any good tips? desperately need to work on my dirty talk.

I'm so ready to eat a lot tomorrow.

<3 for Stephanie and Alex, it feels so good to have you guys comment on here again!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. Probably due to the fact that when we did become official, nothing changed. Being 30-some miles away doesn't allow the relationship to progress and grow. It's hard to have something real over the phone and when we see eachother once a week, if that. We're never NOT going to be long distance. It's always been difficult with us and it will always be difficult. I hope this improves because I can't deal with it. Sometimes I want to shake him and be like, "God Damnit Ryan, put in a little effort!!"

I really need some new socks for Christmas. All of mine are holy and dirty. Gross.

HOLY CRAP. Unpredictable is back up and running. After how many months?! Too many!! Your comments are overly welcome. :)

A longer, more insightful blog later.

I found my soccer shorts from middle school. They are actually quite comfortable despite the elastic being too tight. I've been trying to strech it out without any luck.

I also found some of my old pop CDs. Like Will Smith's "Big Willie Style" and "Willennium", Ricky Martin, and Backstreet Boys. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm enjoying listening to Will Smith.

No one in the Oregon job market wants my services. Le sigh. Unemployment is just wonderful. Although, this does give me more time to work on my abs and butt and important things like that haha.

I miss people commenting, you dunces!

People often underestimate me. Its because they don't take the time to get to know the real me, so they don't expect a lot and/or certain things. They are surprised when I do something great or out of the ordinary for what they think I am capable of. They say, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't think you could do that." Its like, WTF? You don't know me so shut your face!

I've also come to the realization that I do poorly in interview situations. I get way too nervous and flub up. Employers can't look past that, so they disreguard me, not knowing they are passing up a good worker. This also relates to the above paragraph.

I hope you are still celebrating the Beaver's National Championship, as I proudly am.

This has been one of the first late night bloggings in a while. Ah it feels nice. :)

HI. OREGON STATE BEAVERS ARE THE NATIONAL BASEBALL CHAMPIONS!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Our boys deserve it, they have been nothing but incredible all year. Coming from the loosers bracket then to come back and take the Nation Title is just crazy. It has been a pleasure seeing them practice at the beginning of this year out of my dorm window, to the games at Goss, to finally watching them win the world series. (And props to Mitch Canham for being incredibly good looking...just had to throw that one in there).

All should celebrate this amazing event in college baseball history. :)

Yay!

WTF? Zac Hanson got married!

Her dress is cute.

New layout. Its about stinking time, huh?

School is over. The first chapter of college life is done. Shit dawg (um?), I'm going the miss the dorms and (most) of the people. I made a hella lot of mistakes (I don't even want to begin to explain) but grew from them. I know who I am now more than ever. I'm finally completely happy with myself. I love life. Things changed, in a good way. :) I can't wait for next year in our cozy apartment, playing soccer and joining clubs. Next year is the year for me.

Over the past few years I've noticed my instinct is hella good. I think I might have been a psychic in my past life.

Don't lead me on, play me with, don't treat me as a flavor of the month (night?), don't disrespect me. I am better than that. Many men treat women like toys, using them at their own disposal when they want a little excitement. I am not one to treat as a toy. You don't know what you are missing by using me and not keeping me.

.......

The pictures are being stripped down, the rug is being rolled up and the clothes are being packed. Finals are being taken, books are being returned (or not purchased back..damn bookstore) and people are leaving. An empty room full of memories: lust, anger, sadness, happiness, bonding, crying, eating, snacking, napping....

Oh yes, my freshman year. My first dorm. My first roommate. Forever remembered.

More later. :)

Oh geeza, I am such an IDIOT. Why why why?!?! He is alawys my weak spot, everytime...every god damn time.

I was also shafted for the first time in my life (by someone different than above). Maybe I had it coming after all the guys I've rejected. I'm usually the rejecter, not the rejectee. Good thing my emotions weren't it in or else it would've been a great disappointment.

Anyway, finals are coming up. From now til the end of the week my stress is going to be high. I need to keep reminding myself to stay strong and focus on the moment.

I keep biting different parts of my cheek over and over. Blah. I don't know whether I have allergies or some sort of cold, either. Pooh.

What ever happened to Edwin McCain? That guy has fucking talent. He needs to get back on the scene.

What should be the subject of my new layout?

(God I've become so dull, sorry all hahaha.)

I love crafting (..and downloading new music). I've missed doing artsy things this year. I'm seriously considering interior designer as a minor. Although I really want to do French because I need to achieve one of my life goals of becoming fluent in another langage. I have a lot of random life goals. Can you see me being an interior designer? I mean, I used to be obsessed with Trading Spaces, so that gives me automatic skills. Riiight. That is, if you call painting the wall with chickens and assembling unstable furniture skill.

Waiting for someone to call is killer. Maybe I should? Ahh.

TWO MORE WEEKS. And I'll still be a freshman...damn credits and Math 95 that didn't count for shit. I've already accepted the fact that I won't graduate in four years. Anyway.

The latest happenings in my world:

-Found the cutest apartment EVER. So excited its going to be ours in less than 1 week.
-Met the greatest guy ever. Actually quite normal and quite different from the norm. Maybe this will go somewhere?! AND when I wear heels he is still taller than me.
-Sobe claims they are a "healthy refreshment," but high fructose corn syrup is not considered healthy.
-My skin is a little dry for some odd reason. And I've been thristy a lot.
-I'm going to braid my hair in pigtails so it will be wavy.

What happened to all my visitors?

Hi. I got a car. My own car. Like, get-a-new-key-chain my car. Its a 2002 dark blue Mustang. I am happy. :) I need to name it something badass. Help?

Okay that is all!!

There's so much I want to do/accomplish in life. I don't want to focus on just one thing. What is the point in that when I could be an interior designer, make up artist, boutique owner, cafe owner, band manager, photographer, politician, chef, mom, fluent in French and Italian, indie record label CEO, graphic designer, ahh the possibilities are endless. I want to do so much, travel so many places and experience so many things. Why is it that society limits us to such little possibilities?

They shouldn't charge you for traveling the world. They should PAY you. Yeah, yeah, the economy, multi-national companies and are the reason, but still...the enrichment of one's mind and life is more important.

I've gone through such an epiphany this past week. Life changing epiphanys are fun.

Stress is a bitch.

As much as I have umm..experienced this year, I am glad it is coming to a close. I will miss some, remember some, and forget some. I think I need to move on to the next part of my life and get out of the social, crazy atmosphere of the dorms. I'm getting annoyed at the people around here...its time to move on and continue to the next phase of college. I've done the crazy shit everyone should do, now I am focusing on the importance of myself. A great many lessons have been learned.

Just so you know, this the first post coming from the OSU library.

I miss the hippie-ness from Eugene. I miss all the natural people. So many people here are fake, not being real to themselves. God, I am so gonna be an old hippie living in the woods using leaf toilet paper by the time I retire hahaha. I was going to say I would have a long gray beard but then I realized I was a female. My vision is slightly ruined now. Maybe my husband will have one.

I'm being a bitch to everyone lately. A mix of PMS and annoyance puts me in a shitty mood. Plus seeing the same faces and hearing the same voices everday makes me want to barf. I am not one for monotony...most of the time at least.

So I think I'm getting a car for next year. Woot.

I kind of want to get a tattoo. Something small and very hidden. Maybe like on the inside of my toe haha. That would be sweet. Mandy Moore has a star (or was is it a heart?) on hers.

Anyway, I am procrastinating like hell. But who knew? The library really IS a great place to get work done. *knock on wood*

Bob Marley always puts one at ease and in a good mood.

One of the best things you can to is respect yourself. Without that, no one will respect you. Take care of your body, mind and soul. Don't get caught up in things that don't matter. Set your priorities straight. Love yourself and all else will fall into place.

Do I ever have some fucking stories from this year...ahh, great college memories. Well maybe not all of them are that great but they sure are interesting. If only I could go into detial...maybe 4 years from now.

What are some of your amusing college stories?

I've been eating so many oranges lately that the nail I use to peel is turning orange in one spot. haha

I need a job for this summer. Shitty.

How do you know if a guy is 'the one'? Maybe not necessarily for life, but to date. Will you instinctual know it? I am so picky and my standards are so high, that I reject everything that is not perfect in my eyes. I have been bombarded with so many guys recently, what if I have passed up the one? I like being single but then again I want someone to love and I want someone to love me.

I don't want to pass up something beautifully amazing. It is hard to see everything clearly when you are blinded (at least in one eye) by someone else. Its hard to cope when you know that something might be right but its now unattainable.

I think I will just know it....I hope.

Love is a tough subject, so forget it. I've gone through a lot these past two weeks. I had a revelation on Sunday. My drinking was out of control. I was out of control. I had no respect for myself and I just didn't care. My motto was "Just fuck it."? I was already in the hole, so what was another mistake? My drinking started affecting others close to me, then I realized it had become a big problem. When my shit hurt other people it just had to be changed. I'm changing. Drinking not to get drunk as fast a possible, but to get a nice buzz and have fun. No more shows to put on. No more making out with random guys. No more crazy ass shit. I have potential to live up to. I have myself, and that is all I've got.

This made me giggle:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

So my date went well but not exceptional (I wore lip gloss, Alex). We had many things to talk about but I didn't do much of the talking. The beauty of me is that it takes time to get to know me, you just gotta let it flow and be around me. I hope to see him again but it wouldn't break my heart of I didn't.

ahaha I thought of something tonight, "I like my men like I like my pita chips, hard on the outside and soft on the inside."

Maybe going out tonight? I dunno. I gotta lay off on the booze, guys. For real. You don't even know...

Why do I alawys screw up? I wish this whole thing with him would stop happening and be over once and for all. I met a new guy, maybe he will change things. Although he is a fucking hardcore conservative. How in the hell could I endure that?

Shits complicated as fuck and it never goes the way its supposed to.

Goodnight, for now. I feel a little late-night-post arousal.

Plugs: Brittney, Alex

I love crazy nights. I always do stupid shit though. But I have to admit, I was rackin' in the boys last night.

Weekly guy update: I'm confused about a certain person...again :(. And of course, I still like my manly, rugged STUD. God he is a looker.

Recommend some good country songs!! My country playlist is so fucking weak. Actually, recommend good songs in general from any genre. I'm the mood to extend my library!

My Body Sculpting class is INTENSE. I did more lounges and squats in 50 minutes than I've ever done in my life. I convinced myself I was going to die and if not, it would be next class. My body better be fucking sculpted by the end of this term!

This mid-afternoon I discovered that Olay's Body Butter is a wonderful smelling delight in the shower that produces even softer skin. I would recommend this to any woman, or metro man.

Yay I love sun and flowers. :) Wouldn't it be a treat to have fresh flowers in your room everday? Think of how much happier we would be all be.

EDIT // My quads and butt are so sore that I move at the pace of an old woman with muscle problems and have immense troubles getting up and down from chairs.

Holla from Central Oregon. Love the freakin mountains! I'm going to make myself a nice steaming cup of hot mint cocoa provided by the condo, watch an ancient VHS tape, curl up with a good book, then go to bed in hopes of a good night sleep for a snowboarding adventure tomorrow. I'll be at the half-pipe doing 360's and 480's and what not, so I gotta get my rest.

I've been spending a lot lately, including a nice pair of jeans. Opps. That's a really bad weakness of mine, as most of you know. I want a huge closet full of clothes, neatly divided into sections; jeans, tank tops, tees, long shirts, a wall full of shoes, and of course, a wall full of underwear. Ahh, damn you clothes. It would be so much easier to be naked all the time. Do you know how much money we'd save?

Sometimes I feel so guilty for spending money. Then I realize that is what you do with money. And what else am I going to use it for? School? Psh, puuuulease. A little self-indulgence here and there isn't going to hurt.

I'm not really looking forward to living at home during the summer. I just want my own place right away! Come September I'm going to have to move into the apartment a couple weeks early to "get settled in" haaha *cough*. Do you even KNOW how many cute decorations I've seen?!?

NEW LAYOUT. It's about freaking time. The Photo Gallery was also updated, woot.

Hello Spring Break, sleeping in, shopping, friends, and snowboarding (and FTP that works!!). :)

My computer was making some funny noises (again). I was about to run to duck and cover 'cause I was pretty sure it was gonna blow!

I have a horribly girly crush on a reccent friend of mine. He is hot and rugged. The combination of his deep voice, laugh and smile, melts me to candle wax haha. His personality is just so cute, manly and outdoorsy. Tehe.

NEWS FLASH!! I failed my first class! Math 111, you are evil. Good thing I didn't resell my book... UPDATE UPDATE: I actually got a D+. Not just a D but a nice little plus attached. It's one of those grades that you joke about getting but hey, at least it is passing.

I think I've lost my mojo. No joke. Or at least partially because it hasn't been working at full capacity or functioning like normal. Its really depressing. I need to branch out and hang out with new people. My life seems so boring and monotonous lately, I need some new friend to liven it up. I'm disinterested in most of the clubs here and the only other thing I can think of is sorority. And that makes me want to barf.

Blah. I'm kind of in a funky mood. :\ I go through so many highs and lows like a manic depressive.

Oh and I don't think any ass kicking will be needed, Alex. :) Thanks though, babe. Me and him mended our relations and everything is better than it was before...and hopefully it will continue to improve.

Going to a concert the other night reminded me how much I love live music and how much there is a void in my life without it. I need to go to more shows, despite the fact that I'm basically broke (or will be soon). I also love Portland. Aahh, I want to live in a Portland high-rise apartment. haha Such a lofty, goal...I know. I also freaking LOVE snow and the mountains. I think I will end up living in the mountains at the end of my life because nature is where its at!

And ahaha oh no...oh freaking no. Not again, opps. :\ Its so hard to keep our hands off each other. I don't think I should be laughing.

Moving along, MY HOOPS BROKE. Only like the 3rd time I've worn those earrings? Damn things can't stand a drunken night of dancing, unclasping and getting stepped on. What has quality control come to these days?

First off, I fucking love our baseball team and baseball players. I'm going to either date or marry a baseball player and that's all there is to it (I've already slept with one, so hey! I'm off to a good start). Second, a girl has morals if she doesn't have sex with a guy after the first night of meeting him, NOT issues. Ugh.

Its bad when you're kissing one guy and thinking about another...especially when it happens to two different people. I just can't get this dude out of my head. Fuck. I'm in denial about love.

I'm dancing around in my pink-stripped bathrobe and cleaning my room (while "spicing up my life" with the Spice Girls. That shit is classic, okay?). Whheeee.

EDIT // I need to meet more people that have good connections. I'm getting sick of some people around here.

I got my first offical booty call on Friday night. It was...funny? I hope that is not all I mean to him. I said "NO. We can't keep fooling around, it is not right." But hot damn, he was really trying to drunkenly convince me.

When I went home this weekend my mom gave me sweet smelling Dafny from our yard to bring back. Love my mommy. :) I also bought some hot pink playing cards (drinking games saayy whhaatt? Erh, I mean...I quit.) and more undies. I have a horrible obsession with cute underwear and the color pink.

I might be visiting one of my childhood best friends from Washington that I haven't seen in yeeeaaars. Oh my gosh I'm excited :)

Today in Relaxation I had an epiphany from my instructor's wise words: focusing on breathing, inner peace, unrestricted energy, not digesting toxins. So I'm becoming a straight up vegetarian (almost). I'm going to be eating only free-range or wild meat, and foods that are organic, natural and most of all, alive. Everything that is processed is going to be scrapped (with the exception of chocolate). Since there are not many choices on campus like this, it is going to be difficult but I will do it. This makes me miss Eugene. Oh Eugene, where are you when I needed you?

I've been wanting to do this for a while but haven't had the motivation. Now I have the will and power to change and cleanse my soul. Breathing clean air, observing nature and taking in it's energy, walking with my inner core instead of my head, living for the moment, not giving into urges that come from emotional and physical stress, and engaging my whole body into life. Ahh, the feeling of freshness and purity. It is beautiful.

This makes me want to become an organic chef and devote my life to all things natural and inner peace.

I miss the smell of hippies...

For the first time in a while, I don't have that much weekend assignments. Days of overwork have lead to exhaustion. Finally, I am (slightly) free!!

Well shit, folks. You know the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Californication"? That is what down last night, minus the "cali". Me and him CANNOT be around each other and drink. It is always a bad combo that leads to disaster. At least it was better than last time! haha Its kind of really fucking funny though. College is about making mistakes and learning from them right? Obviously I didn't learn the first time. There will not be a third unless our relationship status changes to something official...and I don't really want that to happen. I can't do "fuck buddies" and I can't do "together".

This is a lot of poo. :(

I had a realization the other night--guys only see my exterior, cute, fun, and a crazy drunk. They don't see past that into my interior. I am so much more than a ditzy party girl. I don't like the image I am portraying right now because people get the wrong impression and don't know there is a real person behind this facade. I want guys to see that I am fun but have depth. I can be a closed book, you have to work hard to get to know me and it might take a while, but it is well worth it.

I've been very disappointed in myself lately. Not just school wise, but with my actions and behaviors. I feel like I've not been the nicest person to people who don't desrve it. I've also let myself down, doing shit that really isn't me. Sometimes you get caught up and loose touch of reality and the important things, thus diving into unhealthy habits.

Also, I really fucking LOVE country now. Not that pop country shit but that stuff you can rock out to. I've offically been converted (sadly and unforfunately). "Pickin' Wild Flowers" by Keither Anderson, AAAaahhhhhh! The end.

Winter term? No, this is "Ashley gets fucked" term. I've managed to fail yet another midterm. What in the hell is going on? I mean seriously, when the fuck did I become so stupid? Ashley does not get F's. Ashley does not miserably fail anything. And it is not just the fact of getting a bad grade, it is the fact that I know I can do a hell of a lot better.

This must be my time to finally get screwed over because I'm really screwing up in life right now, in more than just school. Ever since that one night with "him" it has gone down hill. Maybe this is a mental problem.

I've never failed anything in my life so I don't know how to deal with this.

Thank you Silverchair and your wonderful angry music. I'm also drowning my pain in chocolate. What is a healthy way to deal with failure? And if you say exercise I will slap you because that does not really help.

I think I might drop out of college and become a make up artist. Yes. Well, then go to a beauty school because you will soon be seeing me do all the make up for the hottest runway shows, exotic photo shoots, and dramatic TV series'. Be ready. Maybe I should graduate fro the lame ass business program first?

I desperately need to make out with the boy next door. DOH. Damnit. I wasn't supposed to admit that to myself. I was supposed to be over him.

I'm wearing my new jeans. Weee.

This post is dedicated to Stephanie! Just for youuu haha :)

Current Music: "Sunrise" - Norah Jones (I told myself I would never like her but this song is beautiful...)
Current Mood: STRESSED! My social and school calendars are packed.

The most stupid, idiotic and unlucky (yet slightly funny) shit happens to me!! Whenever I'm with him it is always a night for the record books.

I don't think it is right for me to be bleeding this much. My roommie was like, "you need to get on birth control to control that flow!" haha Yeah. That plus dancing does NOT equal good times. Get the picture? Then multiply it by 5,000.

I. LOVE. BEER. (now). It has gone from hate to love. I can pound those suckers and enjoy it. And hey, that is what college is about...drinking cheap beer and finding ways to get it for free. I'm also growing an increasing tolerence. I'm not such a light weight anymore.. (Why do I always talk about alcohol now? Is that one of the signs of dependence?)

Ooh oh oh, did I tell you I got a 40% on my math mid term...a solid forty! YES. When the FUCK did I get so stupid?!?

"Must Be Doing Something Right" by Billy Currington IS FREAKING AMAZING PEOPLE. God damn. Coming from a girl that strongly dislikes country (except when she is intoxicated and getting her groove on), that is saying something. It is the lyrics. And his silky voice. It is my new obsession that has gone terribly wrong (much like a lot of retarded events in my life. What is with parentheses tonight?)

I'm talking like I'm on some kind of drug. Maybe it is all those vitamin C drops. Can you overdose on those things? You must be thinking I'm even more crazy than before. But that is what I love about this site. I can write anything and not have a care in the world about what anyone thinks.

I'm completely awake at it is almost 4 am. Agggg grrr arggg errrggg ehhh AAAAUGGG!

Love, depression (and PMS) shouldn't mix. Could it really be love or just my imagination? There is an interesting article about love/passion in the latest National Geographic that my roommate bought. It had caused much thought, maybe too much.

Ewww there was some weird sticky crap in my hair.

The brownies at the dining center are delicious.

Le siiiiigh.

I was talking to some friends about my *cough* drinking habits. I asked if it was widely known on my hall that I am found of the bottle and they replied with vigorous head shakes and "Oh yeah!"s. haha Opps? I mean, it is only on the weekends, and I'm not that wild.

I've been thinking about doing some modeling for the art department on campus. $30 for a 2 hour session, nude though. Not that I would mind, I am very comfortable. :) Maybe next year when I need the money more.

Look at my cute new wedges! So stylin'.

I can't believe it is already time for mid-terms. Good lord where is this year going? I want to cherish it forever because there will never be anything like these days again...

Lately I've had a difficult time because I've had an urge not to wear clothes. Just to run around in my bra and undies, or even naked. Clothes feel so...restrictive. According to "him" that would be fine because "I have the body for it...so anytime you feel like not wearing clothes, come up to our room!!!" Ugh. Even more shit happened. I swear, that kid brings about so much drama. So I'm going to stop talking about him every entry before one of you smacks me in the face saying SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I just ate a Reese's we've had in our room since September. Those things have enough preserves in them that it should still be fine anyway (hopefully).

I hate it when they are cleaning the bathroom and I have to take a shit.

Being the blonde I am, I forgot that my FTP doesn't work here so I can't upload the new layout or photos for the gallery.

One crazy drunken night after another. Do you always find random bruises on your body after one of these nights? Because I always do!

WHY do I always mess shit up for myself? I finally cried and it felt good. It made me realize how much I really do like him and how much I probably just fucked it up (again). It is not because he was "my first," I've had these feelings for a long time, crazy intense ones. Could it be love? I always thought that if you were in love you wouldn't have to ask--you'd know. We both agreed that it wouldn't work out but now that is all I can think about. Just to hold each other, feeling the embrace and the beauty of what we have, fulfilling my dream of cuddling by the fire in a mountainous cabin. That sounds wonderfully amazing. Geez, I've never had so much emotional turmoil over one guy before.

Ooh I wish I had an answer, a sign from the mother earthly heavens haha. I trust that everything will go work out and that he feels just as much as me.

I just found a piece of pure red hair on my head.

I could kill for a huge delicious sandwich right now!!

Love: Alex

Edit // We talked...again. And we are going out on a date next week. Wow? YES. I'm really, really excited. :) Hopefully this will turn into a something very very good. The way the we look at one another, the way we communicate, flirt and touch. I can feel it. It has to mean something, right?

I got my ears pierced, WHEEE. They look so cute with little pink sparkly studs. It gave me such a high, I'm really hyper and in a particularly good mood with this adrenaline rush. I wanted to get something else done but didn't know what.

I feel like highlighting my hair with a lot of blonde. I'm in such a mood for change, maybe because of other recent changes *cough*. I'm glad that if fate had me lose my virginity that night it was with a guy I trusted and felt comfortable with. It happened at the wrong time and wrong place. I used to be into him but was just getting over it at the time. We are on really good terms though and definitely agreed to continue being friends. I will always remember him, and in a positive note.

Commenters: Laura, Alex, Stephanie

Oh guys I kind of messed up. At least he is a good guy...

More later, I am mentally (and physically) exhausted.

Oh my gosh, I feel so free and liberated. I am suddenly over him!! After months of brooding, confusion, lust and (one) cry...it is complete and I have moved onto the friends stage. Woot. Come and get me boys, Ashley is out to play haha :) I'm a nerd.

One of the many guys I danced with tonight had like ROCK solid thighs. Mmmmm yes (Although I am still a sucker for the tall and lean). Tonight was fun. J'adore dancer avec les garcons et avec moi et mon tres stupide moves de dance. Hooray for franglais.

I'm in such a funny random mood, Ow OOWWWWW! I'm getting my nipples pierced tomorrow. Ahaha Not really just the ears.

PS: Keep voting on the layouts! ...And I love each and everyone of your silly little booties (I swear I only had a shot. I didn't even get a buzz so don't start with me bitches. I am totally getting my second wind and a blog is not the right place to let it out. Ugh, where is my blow up Jude Law doll when I need it? gahaha.)

LAYOUT CONTESSTTT!!!! It is a little different this time since you will already know the general look and feel of the new layout from viewing at the images below. So upon your best judgement, please choose one of the following:

a)


- OR -

b)


- OR -

c)
I don't like any of them...Ashley, you really need to work on your "skills".

EDIT // The point of a layout contest is to actually vote. Exercise your voice!

People with amazing skill and talent, are they innately born and attracted to this activity? Or is something discovered and learned? How do you know you aren't missing out on being one of the best "so and so's" in the world? Why are people drawn to certain things and are particularly good at them while others are disinterested and untalented? This is something I'd like to get to the core of, to understand and find out...even though it is impossible to know such things.

Hmmm.

I can't figure out which layout to put up. I have three different takes on one main graphic and all of them are intriguing.

Plugs: Dmitri, RJA, Stephanie

The Photo Gallery is up! Thoughts, feedback, critiques, rants, raves, and praises are encouraged...even haikus if you are feeling the creative urge. New layout soon before I go back to school where my FTP goes screwy.

Tell me your hopes, dreams, fears or any random thoughts for the new year. We always say it is new, but really...what is new about it?