Mon passeport

All along I thought I was afraid of commitment. But recently I've come to realize it was because I haven't (hadn't..?) found the right person.

After I graduate from my 6-year college plan in 2011 (haha), I want to bum around the world a bit. Colorado, Hawaii, France, Italy, New Zealand, a few months here and there. Career-wise it wouldn't be good but life-wise it would be make perfect sense. I could possibly free-lance interior design. Finding inspiration and taking my designs in new directions from place to place. That would probably turn out to be more along the lines of "starving artist". God I hope I don't cut off my ear (sorry Vincet)!

My passport is itching to be used again. I looked up plane tickets to France during spring break. Round trip: $2,863. Maybe AirFrance isn't the best website to get the ticket.

My cousin got me a cute, knit hat and I'm excited to wear it.

Happy holidays everyone! :)

3 rules of Christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas time until three things happen:

1. A Christmas tree is hand picked and cut fresh from a Christmas tree farm. Then properly decorated the day after.
2. Snowed In by Hanson is played at least once.
3. Home Alone is watched. Home Alone 2 makes it even merrier.

Thus, it does not feel like Christmas.

Hola amigos!

My recent discovery: Mexico is rich with culture. Viejo Mazatlan is alive with art, music, theater and dance. People were bustling through the streets but relaxing in the town squares. The colors are so vivid. The architecture is a worn-in, lively take on old European style. It was all so inspiring. The beaches and sunsets are beautiful yet humble. The sand was littered with all types of shells (I returned with three bags full). An accomplishment was also made on my list of life goals: parasailing. It was so quiet in the sky, with a view for miles. I wanted to go higher!

The crashing waves outside of my window lulled me to sleep each night. The fruit was delicious. I believe I ate avocados, refried beans and chips and salsa almost every day. It was wonderful. :) The people were warm and understanding (mostly) and I found myself genuinely smiling. I somehow became the family linguist and was responsible for speaking broken Spanish. From time to time a few French words escaped my mouth.

This was my first time visiting a less developed country. It was slightly uncomfortable at first, seeing the poor neighbors and witnessing the people who are just trying to get by. I tried to be inconspicuous, wanting to hide from the image of the gringo: rich, pale and touristy. All attempts failed.

The market, oh the market! A crazy mixture of people, produce, cheap knick-knacks, interesting smells and dirty floors. It was much like the roads and it's drivers: chaotic. The are no rules in Mexico, only guidelines. It made me realize the rigidity of industrialized nations. How funny it was that we take things to such extreme and seriousness. Sometimes we forget how to live (love?). Relax. Enjoy. Smile.

I wish to see Travis, even if it was for a minute, to nuzzle my nose into his neck and tell him he is the most handsome man in the world. My playlist is in dire need of new music. Everything on it seems dull. Suggestions?!

"A man is the whole encyclopaedia of facts."

Sometimes it makes me sad and slightly frustrated that I will never be able to know everything there is to know and never be able to ready every book that has ever been written. Anxiety creeps into my stomach as I think of this impossible task. It is disappointing that I will never be able to accomplish this. So, I will try to learn and read as much as I possibly can.

I'm leaving for Mexico tomorrow for what should be a relaxing vacation. Bits of French will most likely slip out of my mouth, "Hola!", "Bonjour! Ca va?". After returning, I hope to spend the rest of winter break volunteering and making time for myself. Work seems unnecessary at the moment, prompted only by self-centered motives. It feels right to help the community and those in need.

What little I know about love

While laying in Travis' bed the other night (man mentioned in recent entries), tightly wrapped in his arms, it suddenly hit me that I actually liked him. I had been blocking these feelings and it had not crossed my mind until that moment. It scared the shit out of me. Since Don, I've become even less affectionate and sentimental and even more bitter [towards love and all things associated]. So as of lately, I've been trying to coach myself, taking baby steps and encouraging intimacy and sensitivity. There is no reason why I should be rejecting a chance for happiness. But it is by body's/mind's natural reaction.

I'm pretty sure Rudy Giuliani has a lisp.

A little M&M: Merlot and marketing

A glass of wine is a nice way to end a meal and eases one into doing homework for the night. A bit of natural mint chocolate chip ice cream a little later will top it off and make the evening absolutely delectable. Add to the mix some classical music.

From the description above, I feel like an old man that should be doing this in a Craftsman style house with an Oriental rug and wearing penny loafers. Not in a beautifully chic room (thanks to myself) wearing ripped jeans and a Roxy sweatshirt that needs to be washed. This is the beauty of college.

...Oh man, this would be even better if I was reading for Art History instead!

Salty nuts, too salty to eat

A can of mixed nuts continues to sit on my dresser. The can was nearly finished weeks ago and all that remains are a few too-salty nuts. I can't make myself throw it away (due to the fact that I love nuts) but I can't get myself to eat them either.

My "to-do" lists always seen to get ignored and pushed to the side. Therefore, I stuck it on my computer but so far it continues to be forgotten. I am good at ignoring things.

I dropped off my ballot on Saturday, it is always exciting to vote. I feel accomplished, not only for voting, but for squishing the elusive bull fly that has been buzzing about our chilly townhouse for the last week (sorry little guy but you had to go). Our townhouse has horrible insulation, thus leaving every room near freezing. The heat is expensive to run, so I try to use it sparingly...when I am desperate.

Guy who was no longer in the running is definitely winning right now. Let's hope he actually makes it. :) I feel if I disclose much more, it will be jinxed. Plus, everyone loves a little suspense.

A purrrrr in my lap

Yes, yes I'm-a-slackin. But for good reason! Our internet is unreliable and school keeps me busy. I joined the student chapter of ASID and am the webmaster for our campus club. At our meeting the other night, everyone looks so well put together, where as I was in jeans and a hoodie. Whoops. Note to self: must dress like a classy, fashionable interior designer at next meeting.

The guy I mentioned in the last blog is no longer in the running, at very most he is in last place. I went on a blind date last week. It was fun, seeing as it was my first one. (There is a kitty in my lap who is purring like a maniac as I'm writing this blog.) According to my friend who set me up, he is really into me. Supposedly I am one of the few people who has ever broken him down and made him sentimental. Aw. Too bad I'm not attracted to him. I never like the ones who are super nice and marked as a "good guy". We're supposed to hang out on Sunday.

My Grandma sent me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It made my day. :) Probably my week too with the way it is going. To add to stress and a dissatisfied love life, both of my roommates have had sex in our apartment except me. This is really unsettling!

The candle I lit is flickering...it is definitely Halloween.

Hello, stranger

It seems like months since my last post but in reality it has only been a few weeks. School is going well, busy but not stressful until this week. My roommates are woonnderrfull. We laugh quite a bit. Already there are at least 50 inside jokes. Ma chambre is coming together and will be near complete once I finish my painting...masterpiece! (Pictures will follow.) I met a boy. Actually, we've known each other for a year but have only recently started to hang out. He's tall and cute, reads books for pleasure and tells me "you're beautiful" in sign language. Hehe. Maybe this will lead to somewhere good for once.

I finally found a name for my Japanese Peace Lilly, Booda (intentional misspelling). Additionally, my three-stemmed "lucky" bamboo is now named Zeus. Everything else I wanted to write has suddenly escaped my mind...

A receipt to the past

I was cleaning my file folder this evening and discovered that receipts brought me back to the time and place of that purchase. The feelings, the mood, the event, the people, even the weather. It is like an unintended diary.

(con't on September 25...)

A friend and I from elementary school met up for dinner the other night. We had not seen each other in over 7 years. After all that time we still found something to laugh and talk about, even shared our liking of the same type of men.

Speaking of men, hardcore partying on Saturday proved that my mojo is oooon (maybe not now that I have a disaster of a hair color, refer below)! Despite the number of guys who wanted to make out with me, I did not kiss any of them. It seemed so disgusting and unfulfilling. It was only fun a few times freshman year. I need something real.

Hair disaster, part 2:
Going back and forth from "fix it" to "keep it," I decided to do the former. She toned it down, in which some of the formerly very blonde highlights turned gray. She then had to strip all of the color toner out of my hair to fix this mistake and re-dye my ENTIRE head. No more natural color, literally! All the fun (but sparse) firey red strands are gone, lost are the abnormally dark browns and the untamed blondes of birth. It now looks like someone pissed on my head. It disgusts me to even glance at it in the mirror. I feel like regurgitating in her face.

A platinum blonde (highlight) life

Lately I've been having very intense dreams, many of which are violent. In my dreams, I angrily yell obscenities to loved ones in raging outbursts, even get into fist fights. Sometimes I wake up with crusty eyes, as if I've been crying. I don't suppress anger during the day, so maybe it is the anxiety of moving and school starting again that has made my dreams become vicious.

It is my last day at home in Eugene before returning to school. So much packing, not enough time! It feels as if this summer went by quicker than any other (but don't we say that every year?). It was a little boring and kind of sad, due to the fact that we didn't go anywhere as a family and the emotional turmoil of a long distance relationship/relationshit.

This afternoon I went to the salon to highlight my hair with blonde in a natural-looking way, just like always. But it is BRIGHT and it is ABUNDANT. I'm supposed to be a cute, natural blonde, not an amateur porn star blonde! There is too much color in the front, framing my face with fake highlights and washing me out. Its saddening because she covered up all of my natural hair color. Now I look like all of the other dumb, blonde bitches.

Hmmm. So I'm excited to go back and party, meet a few boys, flirt a little. Whitney promised that we'd find me some "wiener," even some "romantic wieners". I had no idea such wieners existed. Wiener is a disgusting word. I always associate it with someone jiggling a cold Oscar Meyer wiener, almost as a ritualistic-type dance. Hahaha.

Hopefully Sara and I will go to Prince Puckler's tonight for a delicious ice cream sundae. You haven't experienced life until you've had one of their sundaes.

Goodbye left shoe, float on downstream

The layout is completed and links are working! Blogger has wonderful features. The only thing that saddens me is the fact that I don't have a "Quotes" section anymore. Maybe I should create it as one large blog post...because I do love me a good quote.

Yesterday was a hot summer afternoon as Katie and I climbed upon our innertube to float down the McKenzie River. The weight difference was not ideal for sharing such a flotation device. Needless to say, we got stuck on rocks and couldn't properly paddle our way through without spinning in circles. At the beginning of our adventure I lost my right flipflop by kicking our way off the bank. But 20 minutes downstream, my shoe appeared! It proved to be elusive as we came an arm's length away several times and could never catch the darn thing. It is now lost in the infinite abyss of the river. (And I feel guilty for "littering".)

The other day at work, one of the chefs gave me a scoop of ice cream and asked how it was. A delighted smile appeared on my face, as he compared it to a smile one has right after sex. The satisfaction of good sex and good food is very similar.

It seems as if Don as already moved on to another girl (thank you facebook for allowing me to be stalkerish). I was replaced. Just as I replaced the one before me. I feel alright now but if I ever see him again, I know it will hurt a little. Besides, I deserve much better than him.

PS: Feed should now be available. :) Link is located at the bottom right-hand side.

There's a lot of "almosts" out there

After difficulties with the eidas.org server, I've (temporarily) moved to blogspot. Images and links will be fixed accordingly within the next few days.

To sum up what you've been missing the past few weeks (Alex, Stephanie and Ryan...my loyally insane readers):

-Don and I broke up. He was "kind of" seeing other girls. Coward. I knew from the beginning this would happen but I decided to follow for heart instead of my head for once. What we had was definitely fun (but quite possibly lacking substance), so I hold no ounce of regret. Luckily my heart isn't broken, just fractured and bleeding. I already miss him so much and it completely hurts because I still care about him. It is really painful to know could do that to me, after all of our good memories. Time will heal this. And hopefully someone better will come along. Hopefully one day he'll realize what/who he lost.

The day/night that we hung out before things ended, The Doors were playing in the background. "The End" came on. As the lyrics "This is the end, beautiful friend, this is the end, my only friend" spoke softly through the speakers, it hit me in the deepest pit of my stomach because I knew it was the end. Holding his body through the rest of the song, dread filled mine as I knew it was only a matter of time before we wouldn't be looking into each other's eyes for too much longer.

-I found bedding, woohoo! The sheets are organic and the duvet is cotton sateen with an intricate, pasley print-esque design.

-I was reading my diary from high school the other night and god damn, I was fucking hilarious! Severely lonely and depressed, but funny nonetheless.

I actually bought Hanson's new album, The Walk and was met with a wonderful surprise--approval! It is better than Underneath. My favorite songs are leaning towards "Tearing it Down", "Running Man" and of course "The Walk". It is refreshing to hear Zac's voice...not that I am bias or anything. :) Oh it is so fun being a Hanson fan again, heh. If only they were coming to the Northwest on their tour because that would be quite fun and energizing. Hanson concerts are always a good time.

If I was an animal, I'd love to be an elephant, especially a baby elephant. It seems like a good life.

I keep dreaming of moving back to Corvallis and how much happier I'd be. Only a little over a month before it happens. It's not that I'm sad here, I'm just not super happy. Only average. Not that I am complaining because this summer has been great, seeing many friends and having adventures along the way. Sometimes I wish I could enjoy the moment and stop envisioning the near future.

For the past year or so, I've been trying to find some new bedding. The search has recently intensified but all shopping efforts have proved fruitless. I am too picky...with everything.

Updated: Quotes (Photo gallery?...hm, yeah. Coming soon.)

New layout! It was meant to be published sooner but oh well. I really wanted to get the photo gallery up and working as well but lack the time and willingness to fix the kinks.

I still spend the majority of my days inside, at the restaurant, becoming more melancholy as days go by without frolicking in the sun. It adds insult to injury when it constantly lacks traffic. They need to somehow figure out a way to lure customers in (cure our boredom, please!). And Don is leaving soon to fight forest fires for two months. Now my days are going to be sunless and lonely.

As of two days ago, I am no longer a teenager. I feel like I should reflect on my teenage years but am plagued by a writing/thought block. The twenty's shall be much better.

I'm working all day, everyday. When I get home, the days activities are done and there is no time for fun in the sun. My longing for the freedom of the "sunshiney" outdoors grows stronger as my skin becomes paler with each passing day I am cooped up serving burritos. My eating schedule has been thrown off due to work. This is one of the most unsettling parts because I strongly dislike eating at random, weird times throughout the day. It is throwing my body off and is most likely continuing my insomnia.

All this work for money. Really. It is not worth it. To waste life like this. Beautiful days gone by without a smile in the sun. All of this money...for what? To buy things? So empty. It feels better to give and to share my rewards. I want to save some for traveling, "my travel fund" from here on out.

EDIT // I created a recycle bin at work. It killed me inside a little each time something recyclable was thrown away. Also, I'm tired of using my fake nice voice and fake smile. It's not good for the face or persona once "normal" life resumes outside the restaurant.

Lately I've developed the bad and annoying habit of cracking my knuckles. I usually only do it when nervous/uncomfortable or bored. I've also been flirting a lot for no apparent reason. Which is very uncharacteristic because I am not the flirty type, nor do I ever instigate it. Maybe its for attention...because I'm certainly not getting much of it from Don. We are drifting apart but hopefully not losing interest.

The people at my new work are crazy! It makes it enjoyable because I am crazy too. I'm becoming more and more comfortable as a waitress but 6+ hours on concrete floors is draining, even with good shoes. The food is pretty tasty too. It is a "higher class" Mexican cuisine, instead of using refrieds they use black beans, etc.

I realized another one of my greatest fears today: getting locked inside a walk-in refrigerator (or freezer). The door at work sticks and every time I use it, a rush of panic surges through my body and my mind envisions me forever stuck in the walk-in fridge.

Downloading classic rock reminds me of how much I wish I would've been alive at this age through the 60's and 70's. The music, movements and the lifestyle seems to fit me. I would've been the greatest hippie ever.

I read not too long ago that seeing a spider before midnight is good luck, while seeing one after is bad. I saw two in my room today, one before midnight and the other after...hopefully this means I'll have neutral luck.

My abs have been looking very toned lately. I'm not really doing anything. I think its in correlation with all the sex. But that hasn't happened for a couple of weeks due to our distance. I miss him. A lot. He is always on my mind, whether in the back or front. Let us be true...

I've been having trouble sleeping. So last night in hopes to cure the insomnia, I found a few Hindu symbols for tattooing. The intricate yet flowing details are beautiful. Everything about Hinduism has always intrigued me. Maybe I was a Hindu in a past life. Anyway, I would like to find a tattoo artist with extensive knowledge of Hinduism, so as to find a symbol, meaning and all, that suits me best.


Beauty in a line

Previous attempts to grow house plants and flowers have turned into failures, as I coined myself with having a brown thumb (as opposed to green...not like that other kind of brown, euuhh). But miraculously my thumb isn't so brown after all! By some twist of fate, I have three thriving house plants. One is a Japanese Peace Lilly (currently nameless, poor guy), which has at least doubled in size since November; second is a Dieffenbachia named Stimpy; third is bamboo which has three shoots to symbolizes happiness.

Do you have a pair of shoes that you always trip in? I wore that particular pair today. I tripped like three times, it never fails!

Today I also saw a Jamaican-looking guy downtown on a "low-rider" bicycle. It had a freaking huge stereo system attached to a cart the back, appropriately blasting Reggae. I can't even explain it, it was so amazing. It was so out of place, yet I admired the guy for his boldness. I wanted to stop and ask all sorts of questions. It would suck if he wanted to stop somewhere and had to lock up his bike...someone would definitely steal it! Or at least get a piece or two off of it.

My make-shift computer stand, consisting of the La-Z-Boy arm chair, is going to give me carpal tunnel. The problem with setting the laptop on my lap is the that bottom heats up quickly, thus making for a pair of very hot legs. It burns. And pillows won't do the job. The heat soaks through the thin ones and the keyboard is too high on the fluffy ones. What to do...what to do?

The day the restaurant opens and I start work has been pushed back another week. Leaving me a little less than 7 days to continue siting in a puddle of pure boredom. My mind is restless from lack of activity and stimulation. My friends work during the day, leaving only nights as a respite from my house. Being at home is not fun. Since my parents operate their business from home, they are always here, surrounding me. There is so much negative energy. It's suffocating. It leaves me annoyed and bitter.

EDIT // I researched my birth control, Aviane, online and found that other people have the same intense emotional symptoms as I (anger, depression, anxiety, along with decreased appetite, acne, etc.). This explains so much! I need to get off this shit and find something better...fast.

I think I'm suffering from a slight bit of paranoia. There's not just one paranoia but a multitude of fears and anxieties. I would create a list but feel like it would add to my already semi-crazed thoughts. Oh geez! Maybe a little meditation is needed to clear and calm the mind.

A new layout and completed photo gallery is coming within the next week or so.

And so, Ashley's saga of bad luck and misfortune continues. Last night I decided that I definitely need to drive up to see Don for a serious talk and possibly a "break up". It is always such a terrible emotional roller coaster with him, I've never cried about a man so much in my life. It is not healthy. The recent lies, omissions of facts and the "I don't want to be exclusively with you" vibes are enough. It has driven me past the point of crazy and into a neurotic, angry psycho.

This summer, the suffering must end and and revival of happiness must be met. A true happiness. A deep happiness that lasts forever.

EDIT // Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers Baseball team for winning another National Championship! Back-to-back...that's right bitches.

Someday, I want to get a big, hairy dog. Maybe something like a Newfoundland. There is something about a big, huge, cuddly dog that I love. I would also like to get a pot belly pig, especially for training purposes. And you know I would dress it up like that!

The family and I took a wonderful trip to the Oregon coast this afternoon. It had to be one of the most gorgeous, busiest days that I have ever seen. If you ever have a chance, visit the thunderous waves of Devil's Churn. There are lots of nooks and cranies to explore.

My job as a server at a newly opened restaurant starts in a week. As a first time waitress, I am hoping that I will have enough pep to last through my shifts so as to collect an extraordinary amount of tips. And hey, I even get to serve beer! Yeeah.

Something is making me depressed and putting me into a horribly foul mood, especially while at my house and around the parents. It feels like a combination of PMS, birth control and stress. Stress due to the fact of my distrust in Don. I suspect Don is/was dating other girls behind my back. Well maybe not dating but at least hanging out with them and omitting the fact that he is. I feel threatened. My heart can't take much more hurt from use and abuse.

I've decided that this whole "love" thing is not for me. The romantic, relationship scene is not my scene. I've always hated those questions, "Have you ever been in love?" or "Who was your first love?". A brick falls to my stomach as I think, "it is hard to love when no one has loved you back." Now I will proceed to live a loveless, lonely life, becoming a haggard old lady who lives in the forest and grooms her rock garden diligently...

EDIT // Or simply, I am lovesick.

No more first apartment. No more freedom of late nights and boys. No more crappy meals! While unpacking I noticed that all of my things still smell like our apartment. I already miss that place, it had molded into our space. I'm uncomfortable with being home, away from the surroundings of Corvallis, away from Don. He was such a sweetheart yesterday, helping me clean and move all of my stuff. We agreed to keep "casually dating" but without seeing other people. That was the best decision in our situation but it will be a long three months until my return. I must work and play very much so as to keep from being down.

Now I must create my yearly "Summer To-Do" list full of adventures. Ideas are welcome! So far:
- Running, Tennis, Yoga, exercises with the fit ball
- Paint, scrapbook, random crafting
- Hike, bike, float the river
- Trips up to Portland and Corvallis
- Volunteer, donate clothes
- Try new recipes and expand recipe library, BBQ
- Pick fruit and veggies
- Continue speaking French with Whitney over the phone
- Maybe fall in love :)

This list makes my life sound kind of pathetic. haha

Our apartment is no longer ours. Sierra just took off and I am left with an empty apartment of boxes and a few scattered pieces of furniture. Moving out and goodbyes are always so sad. I don't really know what to do, its so lonely. Hopefully I will see Don tonight before he comes over tomorrow to help me move. Meaning, he will be meeting my parents...Aaaand this is the point where I freak out!

I want to be with him but I wonder if our connection is strong enough to last the summer. We should have spent more time together in the past three months to strengthen our bond. Maybe I am underestimating our power but it will simply be if we want it to and if we try. This is not just a "spring fling".

Edit // Right after Don agreed to hanging out tonight, he said he have to cancel because he didn't get much sleep last night and was tired from moving and work, but will "be here early to help me move!". He knows it is my last night here! I had to ask to spend the night because I didn't want to stay in my lonely apartment. I think I'm in the process of being thrown to the curb and it really hurts.

What is so wrong with me that I am never good enough for anyone? What is so wrong with me that no guy ever truly wants to be with me? Is is really too much to ask for care and love in return?

PS: Subway napkins don't make good tissues.

My specialty: making a fool of myself and screwing things up at the same time.

It seems as if Don is avoiding the subject of being exclusive. I'm so scared that if I bring it up, he'll say he doesn't want to be with me. This is the first time in my life that I've been completely sure about wanting someone. I don't want this to be another "Ryan" ordeal where I give him an ultimatum, it shouldn't be like that. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is the one who should be doing something.

...Things will work out the way they are supposed to. Until then, my stomach will be in knots and my stress level will be ever-rising, as I am lost in a world of dreams.

Inspired by Ryan's many posts about budgeting, I've decided to cut unnecessary spending and decrease the amount of "necessities". Inspiration also comes from my checking account with $1.02. Great job!

This school year is coming to a close in the next two weeks and I am freaking the fuck out. What am I going to do without Don?! Even thinking about leaving makes me emotional. God, I am such a wimp. We still haven't established what we are even though it has been almost 3 months. It makes it especially hard because we are so busy with finals that there is not much free time to spend together. I can't deal with this right now. :(

I get annoyed when awoken from a nap. Especially when then the noise continues, making it virtually impossible to fall back asleep.

Je veux ensemble avec lui.

It is official, one of my works was selected to be showcased at the main building on campus. I'm practically famous now. Ha. :)

We finally found a townhouse for next year, it is perfect--spacious, affordable and relatively new.

As with Don, when I talk about him an unconscious smile appears on my face that won't go away even if I try. I don't want to go back home for the summer...this month and part of next needs to last as long as possible. But the days are quickly slipping away through our fingers.

I can't stop eating the chocolate almond bark my mom and I made over the weekend. I have no self control at the moment.

The sun lifts your spirits, it even makes you feel prettier (I feel pretty, so pretty, and briiiight!).

I can't sleep due to the excitement and inspiration of finally figuring out what I want to do for my final project in my first introductory design course. If only there was such thing as a 24-hour craft store. The feeling of being inspired unleashes my happiness and relieves all stress. I feel free and unrestrained. "In-the-artistic-mode" is something that you cannot describe, only feel...just like many other things in life. I also think my artwork has made it into a gallery on one of the main buildings on campus...

Whitney says I have it bad for Don, and I have to admit that she is right. Or at least I am half-way there. :)

PS: When is "The Walk" being released in the US?

The trash can was overflowing this afternoon, which is a common occurrence in our home despite all efforts to recycle. I lifted the bag and wearily tied it, gagging at the scent of rotting garbage and the discovery of liquid mold at the bottom. I washed it out and left it on the porch to dry in the heat of the day. Retrieving it tonight, I gazed at the stars for a few seconds as cars drove by on the busy street. Star gazing while all other civilization is in a bustle is somewhat lonely. It made me feel disconnected to the world and all other beings. Shutting myself back into the great indoors, I came upon this thought:

Doesn't it seem pointless to have a lock on a screen door? I believe they are there merely to give people a false sense of security.

I actually went to the gym this afternoon. It has been many-a-weeks since a good work out has happened, especially since last term it was my second home. My poor muscles are out of shape (while typing this as I'm eating a cookie heh...).

My mom asked me yesterday when she came to to visit if I would like to go to Europe this summer. Oh YESSS! Je parlerai Français quand nous serons en France! Ouuuiiii. She also surprised me with a 3-stemmed bamboo plant symbolizing happiness, which I have a lot of lately. My life feels so much better with Don. People shouldn't make your break your happiness, but they do. I want to be around him all the time, touch him and hold him. To be in his arms as we laugh about something stupid. Slowly it is happening.

EDIT // "Quotes" was added to the content.

Stress mania this week! Too much of midterms, reading, assignments, and finding a place to live next year. The stress of all of this and more has manifested itself on my face as a large, painful zit.

With Don, things are going well but our status is still up in the air. I'm taking it lightly, in hopes that one day it will be a mutual understanding that we are together. For some reason that scares me because visions of what happened with Ryan flash through my head.

So much to do and so little time. Less school and more free-time...that only happens in dreams.

After what you feel like is a thorough and complete brushing, only to your dismay a few minutes later, you find remaining plaque. How can one get rid of all plaque without the use of an electric toothbrush (annoying sound, no vibrators in my mouth...thanks)? Is there is certain toothbrush that will aid with better results? Or is it all in the wrist? I'm sure after proper technique, one would have almost-perfectly clean teeth.

My dental hygienist once told me that people who are right-handed brush more thoroughly on the left side of their mouth, and vice versa. The technique would have to include use of both hands. But in what kind of motions--scrubbing, rubbing, circulating, turbulating, a combination of all and more?

Oh Don, how much he makes me laugh. I'm constantly smiling and laughing when he's around. It seems like things are back to normal between us, if even better. :) Tonight was perfect, short but sweet.

Now I must take a quick adventure to the grocery store for an emergency stock up of ice cream. Earlier tonight, shortly after Don left, I got out a dish and spoon only to open the freezer to find it was void of ice cream. Such a disappointment. Now I can't stop thinking of ice cream. It is hindering me from studying.

I'm crying so hard right now that my whole body aches and my hands are shaking. Why is it that I always have to fall for the men who don't treat me right and see how amazing I am? Why is it that I never feel good enough for any guy? Why do I have to be passionate and get so emotionally invested?

Now my whole body is shaking. My heart aches as is becomes more broken. From every man. From every soul that has used or hurt me.

An eternal hurt that will always be there. I can't take this anymore.

I just made the best turkey chili, basically by scratch too. I also ate it out of my favorite bowl, which made it that much better. My cooking skills really are advanced for a poor, inexperienced college student. I at least had to brag on my blog; if only you guys could smell and taste it.

And with Don? It has been amazing. I overreacted that one day (PMS). It would be nice to know what we are though. Here we go again...

My house plants are currently thriving *knock on wood*. College has cured me of my brown thumb (not like that) and has given me the green thumb to beautify our apartment with leafy, organic life.

I love a nice, cold high-quality beer. But then again, who doesn't?

Don really is an ass hole.

What a fucking tool.

I am so much better than that.

The end.

In an attempted to see what Don would do during this week apart, I've not called or texted him. Instead, I left it up to him do the work...and well, he has. Last night he told me that he missed me (aww). That's not something you'd expect after hanging out only two times. Maybe this is a sign for good things to come. :) I really can't wait to see him, then again I almost don't want Spring Break to end. Spending time with my friends and family without a worry of school or work is absolutely fabulous.

In his latest email, my TA (refer to previous entry) asked me out to coffee sometime. Heh. What is with me getting all these men lately? I like it.

I got a new phone today, to replace the old P.O.S., but the iTunes feature is not compatible with Mac. You think it would be considering iTunes is an original of Apple. Balls.

Katie and I went shopping today, where I splurged on a black leather BCBG purse: stylish but classic with an irresistible hot pink lining.

My foreign Math Teaching Assistant from this past term, whom I had an undying crush on, just emailed me to see how I was doing and if I did well in the class (cute). I meant visit him during office hours, purely with the means to seduce him (hehe) but never got the chance. I would see him random places around town, Starbucks, walking home on a Friday night with pounds of math books and homework to do. He is adorable.

I cannot wait to get back to school and see Don (Mr. Slightly-Punk). Plus this term should be wonderful. Spring term is always a good one with the flowers, sun and good spirits.

PS: It was Unpredictable's 6th fucking birthday on Feb. 25. I was like what...12, 13 years old? Jesus Christ!

EDIT // I would also like to mention something about a new fad that is sweeping the nation (maybe the world...my fellow Canadians, I would like your input): the fashion sneaker. Quite comfortable yet fashionable and colorful. At first I was against the trend but have come to love it once I reluctantly joined in. Also, "sneaker" is on my list of "All Time Favorite Words of the English Language".

OH. LA. LA. (Yes, a dramatic French "Oh la la" is direly needed in this case). More later on this certain subject *mr.slightlypunkomgheisamazing*. I don't want to say any more and jinx it.

One final down, two more to go and more than half of a 6x6, 1 lb. fudge brownie eaten solely by me. Opps. :) And what's even better is that strawberries were on sale 2 for 1! A brownie and strawberries makes a wonderful snack(s).

Mr. Slightly-Punk redeemed himself. But like any female, I played hard to get and we aren't hanging out until after finals (even though he suggested tonight). Ha. By playing hard/very hard to get, females assume that if the male really wants you he will keep trying, and if not then he wasn't that into you in the first place (great book, by the way). Maybe this isn't true but most of us females like to believe so.

I was also asked on another date by a guy whom I lived with in the dorms last year. Heh, I must be radiating some sort of single card. Or maybe I am just that smokin. Yes, yes, that is it.

During the upcoming Spring Break, I feel that a longing to finally create and post the "Photo Gallery" will gracefully fall upon me, so as to provide you with joyous moments in my life.

PS: Why is it that somehow I end up talking about food in every other blog?

The date with Mr. Slightly-Punk went very well, amazing actually. He is freaking hilarious, so much so that I accidently snorted while laughing. Whoops. One of the best parts is that I can truly show him my real (dorky) personality. We have another date this weekend. I'm hoping that he is the change that I need.

The flowers are blooming. The sun is shining. There is finally life on campus. People are actually outside enjoying the beauty of nature instead of hovering inside, fearing it's wrath.

Finals=next week=procrastination=much eating of chocolate=I better get all A's.

Edit // Mr. Slightly-Punk is a tool. I think he was going to blow me off tonight until I called him. I don't know what to do, I've never been blown off before! WTF, asshole.

A Little Moment, A Little More Happiness
Best. Day. Ever. When someone asks for your number it always brightens your day:

Sierra and I were working out at the gym, lifting free weights and getting sooo buff. I noticed the abnormally number of attractive males, one in particualy who was dressed slightly punk (my weakness). We innocently eyed each other as I thought to myself, "I wish I was brave enough to talk to him." Later we attempted an ab workout called the "prayer" and for some reason I couldn't get in the correct form. A muscley, preppy and obvious gym rat showed me ther right form and later asked if he could join us haha. We left after that.

Walking out of the gym, out of the corner of my eye I see Mr. Slightly-Punk running around the track. I try to mumble something to Sierra, "that's him" as he comes running toward me, with full concentration on me. And like a scripted movie, he says something like, "I know this is kind of weird, but can I have your number to call you sometime?" HOLY SHNIT! Yes! I was very energetic and nice (according to Sierra). All I really remember is concentrating and trying so hard not to shake as I was writing my number down. That moment seems so clear in my head. This is what I needed. A little pick me up, a little hope. Even if he doesn't call (which he will be *crazy* not to), it will still make me smile.

That afternoon at Safeway, I tried to pay for my groceries with my OSU ID card. The checker said that it made his day haha. The small moments are always the ones that make you the happiest.

Isn't it funny how there are so many ups in downs in life? Right now, it is definitely an up--a stark contrast from a few days ago when I felt hopeless and alone. This afternoon, my roommie and did a little shopping. I got cute shirts on sale, one of which says "Peace Forever" and a small but cheerful indoor plant for my room. We made a quick stop at the quaint downtown Starbucks, where I ran into my TA who I have an undying, girly crush on. I can't resist a smart, funny, foreign man who also speaks French (in addition to his native language (Moroccan). He was SO nervous and twitchy when I was talking to him, it was absolutely adorable.

I'm getting addicted to coffee. Mochas, yuumm. I'm excited because now my mom and I can go out for coffee. I changed my major. More specifically, I added one--Interior Design. Yes, I'm doing it! It will mean four more years of schooling but its worth it. So now I'm double majoring in Business and Interiors, most likely with a minor in French. Sometimes I make too lofty of goals for myself but I know I can do it. I plan to offer eco-friendly design solutions, like opting for bamboo instead of rare rain forest woods, materials and products with low amounts of chemicals, etc.

My roommate is wonderful. We're always cracking each other up, making up the most random funny things to laugh at. Its such good medicine :). We can also talk of serious matters, which makes for a great balance.

I feel like something "incroyable" is going to happen very, very soon.

I discovered the most mouth-watering ice cream in the WORLD--Ben and Jerry's "The Gobfather". It is a delicious blend of rich chocolate ice cream, chocolate coated almonds and swirled with marshmallow cream. In this particular carton, the marshmallow cream and chocolate had slightly melted together, creating a beautifully creamy taste of goodness. It is THE BEST ice cream I've ever had, hands down.

By the way, I was tempted to put the above paragraph in caps.

The guy my cousin is trying to hook my up with looks like Nathan from One Tree Hill. It's quite enjoyable. :) I've been working out a lot and my abs, butt and thighs are like rocks. Hello definition, nice to meet you (again). Its been a while.

Relevant, random updates from the life that tingles with every touch, transferred to the blog that makes you hang on every word:

• My Mustang (Luke) is no longer a Purebred. The dented bumper from the accident was generic (can you hear the disdain in my voice?). This is slightly saddening. At least he still looks sexy. PS: I had separation anxiety for 2 days while while we apart. I'm really pathetic. He's the only stable man in my life, what can I say?


• My grandma underwent surgery for amputation of her leg because of gangrene. She is recovering well so far. I'm still having a difficult time wrapping my head around this, or dealing with it, really. The word amputation conjures images of the civil war and I shiver. It's scary.


• I really do love my friends so much. The subtle things they do make you feel so good. :)


• On Wednesday, I'm going to volunteer orientation at the Humane Society. AHHH (this word comes up as "AHOY" in spell check hahaha yesss). Puppies and kitties!!! I'll pretty much fall in love there.


• Ryan attempted to talk to me the other day...Through texts BRAGGING about himself. It was disgusting. A guy in my business class freakishly reminds me of him, almost like they could be long lost brothers. Its kind of creepy but hot at the same time. I want him.


• I felt like I was 10 years-old all day today, it was quite great actually. Cheery, way too dorky, in a constant motion of dance. In fact, it is still continuing to this very moment.


• I'm changing my major to interior design tomorrow. I'm freaking excited. Je serai INCROYABLE!

It just so happens that I picked out the juiciest, ripest, most delicious pineapple EVER on the face of the earth. Slicing this succulent tropical fruit of the gods (if its not a fruit of the gods, then shame on them), my mouth waters in anticipation. I let out a loud orgasmic "MMMmmm!!" as the sugary goodness melts in my mouth. With each proceeding bite, a delightful feeling overwhelms my body as more "mmmmm"s unconsciously escape. I do a little thispineappleisdeliciousi'msofuckinghappy dance and decide at that very moment that pineapple is one of the most amazing fruits ever.

A bout of loneliness has swept over me this past week. I haven't felt alone like this in a while. So many people depend on me, I'm tired and worn of helping and listening to others babble on about their problems or good fortune. It seems like everyone is too caught up in their own issues to ask how I am. I have all this love that I want to share with someone but no one to share it with. I'm giving and giving but not receiving. So in turn this love, this undirected love, turns into an extreme amount of loneliness. Maybe I should put some of it towards myself.

I don't even know what it takes to make me content anymore. I'm not unhappy with myself, just unhappy with things around me. My life isn't really progressing, only school, sleep and eat. Nothing to make it better or amazing. I should be happy with my surroundings but it seems so blah that I can't make an effort to genuinely laugh. It's like I'm floating through the days, not fully digesting the beauty of life. The absence of people has also exacerbated the situation. An out-of-the-way apartment is such a contrast to the busy dorms of last year. I like alone time but not for all the time. My life has become so predictable and boring. That's it, I am bored with everything.

Now I feel a slight relief knowing that I am not insanely unhappy. Just bored.

Edit // I feel *much* better now that Marie and I had our little "dinner date". I have hope in life, partly because I pretty much rock at cooking lol. Making new recipes is super fun. At this very second I've decided to make one new recipe per week.

This morning Willamette Valley Oregonians were awoken to freezing rain. Like the idiot I usually am, I drove to school at 7:30 AM without checking the school closures, sliding on the ice the way there. I don't know how I survived, I must have good karma today. Aimlessly walking around campus, a tall sandy-blonde 20-something college guy approaches me with a smile telling me school is closed until 11. We have "icey" small talk then go our separate ways, he back home and I to the warmth of the café. Like stated earlier, my idiocy didn't realize until a few minutes later the the dangerous conditions were just an excuse to talk to me. He saw this beautiful girl that he wanted to talk to and alas, there was something to talk about. Now I sit here wondering what would've happened if I told him my name.

I got into a car accident the other night. Someone rear-ended the person behind me, so they smashed into me. Looking in my rear-view, there was nothing I could do except keep my foot on the break and scream. Luckily there was only minimal damage, as the bumper has to be replaced. But I'm angry because my car is hot and theirs were definitely not.

Edit ; NEW layout feat. Katherine Heigl. I remember seeing her in Disney's Wish Upon A Star many years ago and I wanted to be her. Your feedback would be great, seeing as this is one of the first layout's I've made in months.

How I saved a life or two
By Ashley, Unpredictable Blogs

It began this evening as my roommate Sierra and I pondered what to eat for dinner. "Want stir fry?" Sierra exclaimed. "YEAAAS," I responded, in the mood for a greasy, Americanized Asian entrée properly juxtaposed with brown rice. We went about chopping veggies, chicken and heating up the wok--the works. The oil was poured into the wok and seconds later the chicken followed.

Suddenly, a loud "WOOOSH!" sounded and large flames erupted from the wok. We stood brain-dead, staring at the blazing fire in our kitchen. Only a slight moment passed before we began to scream. Sierra reached for water as I gasped, "NOOO!! We need baking soda!!!!" I scrambled to find baking soda in the cupboards. Pancake batter...no, cake mix...no, some unopened box of powdery stuff...we don't have time!!, my head screamed as I envisioned the whole apartment going up in flames. I reached for the other cabinet, seeing only sugar, as smoke filled the air. FINALLY, flour! I take oversized handfuls and throw them at the blazing wok of chicken. The fire dissipated immediately. Smoke filled the room. We opened the windows as the shrill fire alarm rang in our ears. I continued to throw flour on the cindered chicken (somehow realzing, in the midst of this crisis, how enjoyable the feeling of soft flour is when it surrounds one's hands), so it wouldn't erupt again (you never know).

Adrenaline rushed through in my veins as my body realized the near-death experience that just took place in our quaint apartment kitchen. I did not even think about my actions, I just did. My body's primal instincts took over; my normal thought did not catch up until much later when my hands began to shake out of fear.

Since the "Ryan thing" is over, I miss the feelings associated with liking and being with someone. And I do miss him. I still want him to be apart of my life but only in a friend way. That doesn't seem to be what he had in mind though. I think about him everyday without even meaning to. It's like his in my subconscious...creepy. I'm not going to let myself fall into a lonely depression because I don't have attention from a man. That would be pathetic. Its just that I have a strong desire to show someone my world. (Not in that way, you dirty whore.) What's worse is that I feel like I've lost my touch, my mojo.

Has anyone sold something, particularly textbooks, on Amazon.com? If so, please let me know how it was/if its worth doing.

More blogging later when I don't have to wake up at 6am for an 8 o'clock, two hour business law class.

Turning on the TV to Comedy Central, awaiting for an hour of Scrubs, I catch an interview with Deepak Chopra on the Colbert Report. Tempted to change it, as I do not like the Colbert Report, Deepak's insightful words touched a part of me that is not touched everday. It was a sign of some sort. Looking at his books fills me with some emotion that I cannot even describe. I can't wait to once again, enrich my life by ready books of non-Western thought and spirituality.

Books on the power of nature will also be in my future. A trip to the used books store is needed!

Sometime, I would love to learn how to fly a plane. And paraglide too. The thought of wind against my face as I glide over the beauty of the Earth is simply enchanting.

I also had a revelation of sorts, I'm thinking of majoring in Dietetics with a double minor in French and Business Administration. It's a lot of fucking Bio and Chem and that is the only thing holding me back. Those are my weakest areas of study. I'll probably end up being in college for like 7 years haha. Dietetics seems like the right thing to do with my love of food and desire to help people, and its something I've always thought about doing. Once school starts in a few weeks, an advisor appointment is in order.

New Year's was kind of fun. Drama, drinking...lots of drinking (we got into a bar, well a restaurant bar), socializing, taking pictures of me and Katie with some random camera in the bathroom, and all that good stuff.