I feel conflicted. Its always so up and down with Ryan. When we are apart, I miss him like crazy. I get all these strong feelings and I feel like I can't live without him. But this weekend when we spent time together, those feelings disappeared and I was left with annoyance and doubt, wondering why in the hell we were together. The attraction and special bond was gone. I feel like the distance and sex is the only thing keeping us together.

Speaking of sex, did you know that 80% of women don't/can't orgasm during sex? Those poor women, how the fuck do they survive?! Because it really is one of the best things in life.

Its hard to be away from Katie. Ever since 9th grade we've been close and saw eachother almost everday. Now that I'm not in Eugene anymore we don't talk as much and I really miss her. Although, when we do talk it is forver and it feels so good. I feel like a whole person again. Isn't it weird how (best) friendships can affect a person so much?

EDIT // The guitar Sarah gave me for free is fucking vintage; from the 60s/70s. Freaking sweet. I think it needs some new strings....and some lovin.

I've decided that sometime next year I will do a study abroad to France in the intensive language program. Then the following year, my senior year, I will go to Sweden as apart of the business degree (major=business, minor=French). I've picked Sweden to visit my roots, plus there has been so many good reviews about it.

Also, I would like to have a cafe (Cafe Dior..omfg, I love it). I might do a two-year interior design program at an art school if I feel restless and the longing need for creativity.

Ryan is wonderful. We talk more consistently and he's doing the calling too (finally). Since I am back in town, I want to spend all of my time with him but that is utterly impossible because my parents don't know about him. I need to bring it up in stages instead of dropping the bomb that I am dating someone 6 years older. I've always thought of myself as sexually open, which I am...with others. But when it comes to Ryan I am shy and unimaginativeve. I don't know why. Maybe because I am intimidated by his experience and forwardness. Any good tips? desperately need to work on my dirty talk.

I'm so ready to eat a lot tomorrow.

<3 for Stephanie and Alex, it feels so good to have you guys comment on here again!

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. Probably due to the fact that when we did become official, nothing changed. Being 30-some miles away doesn't allow the relationship to progress and grow. It's hard to have something real over the phone and when we see eachother once a week, if that. We're never NOT going to be long distance. It's always been difficult with us and it will always be difficult. I hope this improves because I can't deal with it. Sometimes I want to shake him and be like, "God Damnit Ryan, put in a little effort!!"

I really need some new socks for Christmas. All of mine are holy and dirty. Gross.

HOLY CRAP. Unpredictable is back up and running. After how many months?! Too many!! Your comments are overly welcome. :)

A longer, more insightful blog later.